GLB

{ }

2012-02-06T11:38:00.000-08:00

Nothing like some sweet springtime flowers from my dear boy to make my day a little brighter...

today is a brave day.

2012-02-02T08:01:00.001-08:00

[ ]

2012-01-30T09:13:00.000-08:00

“God’s grace deems us to be someone
before we become someone—we’re important
before we’re important
and lovely before we are lovely.”
{Russ Masterson}

lasting.

2012-01-19T08:48:00.000-08:00

This week I have felt honored to read the thoughts of a gentle old man who journaled and shared his thoughts while going through the painful process of watching his wife die (this after many years of her struggling with intense sickness). Today was his final letter, as she slipped away to be with Jesus. Being a part of the stories he has shared, I've absorbed it all, and my heart feels a deep sorrow - and also a deep hope. His writing has been honest and the emotions he has shared - raw.

To see a love that withstood so much pain in this life, and a devoted love like none I've ever seen - is inspiring.

What rings truer than true, is where Jesus is so obvious and bright.

It's something different than what most marriages display, sadly.

I want a truth-saturated-love like that, a real and lasting love.

I'm beginning to realize that the first step is a crucial mind-shift,

beginning with the belief that - happiness is only a by-product of holiness - happiness, does not beget holiness.

Marriage is about our sanctification...happiness - is one of those

beautiful bonuses that comes along with it.

Life is a lot less about us than we ever grow up believing it is.

And I'm beginning to love that truth.

_

2012-01-17T06:31:00.001-08:00

yellow roses.

2012-01-11T06:53:00.000-08:00

My favorite boy surprised me with roses, coffee

and chocolate at work...my three loves... :)

He's pretty spectacular.

skewed perspective.

2012-01-08T19:23:00.000-08:00

We must be careful not to get too focused on the shadows...
the shadows are only evidence of the greater light.

We find life in the Light — not in the shadows it casts.

new year.

2012-01-03T15:18:00.000-08:00

2012

I'm expecting you to be absolutely wonderful.

.

2011-12-22T09:25:00.000-08:00

"I am dark, but lovely."

Song of Solomon 1:5

reoccuring wanderlust.

2011-12-21T07:45:00.000-08:00

When I think of all the places I still want to travel...

My mind starts racing and my heart starts dreaming.

There's so much beauty still to see.

Give me a backpack and let me see the world.

23.

2011-12-01T09:25:00.000-08:00

Roses, everywhere...

Sparkling-clean house to come home to...

Jon's cake-creation...

More and more flowers!

Beautiful lights...

Olive Garden - yumminess?

And...my cute little baby!

It was a birthday to be remembered!

I feel so very fortunate...

Thank you friends, for a beautiful birthday.

Thank you God, for beautiful friends.

.

2011-11-23T06:55:00.000-08:00

These words find a place I cannot explain. Alive and painful all in one, they are strikingly beautiful. And their incapability to be explained, is what only makes them only more beautiful.

That's the way I'd like to write.

We’re all born to broken people on their most honest day of living

and since that first breath... We’ll need grace that we’ve never given

I've been haunted by standard red devils and white ghosts

and it's not only when these eyes are closed

these lies are ropes that I tie down in my stomach,

but they hold this ship together tossed like leaves in this weather

and my dreams are sails that I point towards my true north,

stretched thin over my rib bones, and pray that it gets better

but it won’t won’t, at least I don’t believe it will...

so I've built a wooden heart inside this iron ship,

to sail these blood red seas and find your coasts.

don’t let these waves wash away your hopes

this war-ship is sinking, and I still believe in anchors

pulling fist fulls of rotten wood from my heart, I still believe in saviors

but I know that we are all made out of shipwrecks, every single board

washed and bound like crooked teeth on these rocky shores

so come on and let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief

and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach

come on and sew us together, tattered rags stained forever

we only have what we remember

I am the barely living son of a woman and man who barely made it

but we’re making it taped together on borrowed crutches and new starts

we all have the same holes in our hearts...

everything falls apart at the exact same time

that it all comes together perfectly for the next step

but my fear is this prison... that I keep locked below the main deck

I keep a key under my pillow, it’s quiet and it’s hidden

and my hopes are weapons that I’m still learning how to use right

but they’re heavy and I’m awkward...always running out of fight

so I’ve carved a wooden heart, put it in this sinking ship

hoping it would help me float for just a few more weeks

because I am made out of shipwrecks, every twisted beam

lost and found like you and me scattered out on the sea

so come on let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief

and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach

come on and sew us together, just some tattered rags stained forever

we only have what we remember

My throat it still tastes like house fire and salt water

I wear this tide like loose skin, rock me to sea

if we hold on tight we’ll hold each other together

and not just be some fools rushing to die in our sleep

all these machines will rust I promise, but we'll still be electric

shocking each other back to life

Your hand in mine, my fingers in your veins connected

our bones grown together inside

our hands entwined, your fingers in my veins braided

our spines grown stronger in time

because are church is made out of shipwrecks

from every hull these rocks have claimed

but we pick ourselves up, and try and grow better through the change

so come on y'all and let’s wash each other with tears of joy and

tears of grief

and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach

come on and sew us together, were just tattered rags stained forever

we only have what we remember

red.

2011-11-21T09:05:00.000-08:00

I noticed this photo the other day on a blog, and couldn't get away from just how lovely it is. I'm not sure what it is that draws me so much to the woman in the photo...maybe it's her curly hair springing every which way - her bright red flowered shirt, or maybe the fact that her name is "Star". Everything about her appearance suggests that she lives life, free as a bird. Winsome and bright. I don't know what it would take for me to let go of the worries and thoughts that often grip so tightly to my mind. I would love to make just one decision and watch my life transform from it's overly contemplative state to an always hopeful spirit.

When I stepped into God's presence last night, during the music as it played...he took my hand - and we ran. The sky was white, the field was knee high with golden grass...and all we did, was run. The breeze whipped around me, and my heart felt light. As the music changed, he pulled me up short and with one arm held above my head, he twirled me and we danced. I laughed.

"Majesty" the words expanded, and burst. "His grace has found me just as I am."

"Just a few more minutes with you please..." I pleaded, "Just a few more..."

"Let's do this again soon" He said in his warm voice.

A break, and the music changed again. The perfect song for the perfect moment. I lifted my head with the biggest smile across my face. "I've finally found where I belong...I've finally found where I belong, in your presence...I've finally found where I belong, Lord...To be with you, to be with you" The words never truer. This place with him, this place where I am truly myself. Where nothing else exists to furrow my brow. Only laughter, and deep soul-filling joy. "I am my Beloved's and He is mine" the lyrics broke into my state of mind and looking up at him, my mouth filled with the words, "So come into your garden and take delight in me...take delight in me..delight in me, delight in me..." Saying it again wasn't enough, again, again. "Delight in me...God delight in me."

I'm desperate for Him to change me. Desperate to be His delight.

{what really matters}

2011-11-16T07:16:00.000-08:00

this video is a must see...

...

2011-09-22T08:53:00.000-07:00

I'm learning that love is a lot less about emotions, and a lot more about choice. Choosing to love, is choosing to love the good, the bad, and everything in-between. Choosing to love, is choosing to

put yourself second not first.

{ }

2011-08-26T15:34:00.000-07:00

Sometimes what we want,

isn't what we need.

I'm trying to let go.

Gracie.

2011-08-03T17:32:00.000-07:00

I miss being a little girl sometimes.

I was the chubbiest little three year old - with dimples, rosy cheeks,

and a hearty laugh that would have made anyone laugh.

The naivety, the fearlessness, the love for the little things...

simple. It was simple to be young.

I'd do anything to erase the years of experiences, pains, realizations...to go back to that season of a carefree soul.

But the truth is, I wouldn't know what I had - I didn't know it then - if I erased everything I've been through since then, I would have no point of comparison.

I wonder if I am doing that now in my life...

...not realizing what I have.

I want to see it.

I want to re-awaken to the beauty of living.

{always} changing

2011-07-21T12:22:00.000-07:00

So this is me, sitting in my new office.

I'm the new Graphic Designer at JBU, and so far I'm loving it.

More than I ever expected loving an 8-5 - complete with cubicle - job.

{Hooray!}

Here's to, new beginnings and a fresh season of growing.

{I'm excited to see what God's got in mind.}

{.}

2011-07-13T11:33:00.000-07:00

It's a grey and rainy day, but a day so full of promise.

uncovered.

2011-07-08T20:40:00.000-07:00

I want it to be His beauty, that remains.

foreign to a dreaming heart.

2011-07-05T14:18:00.000-07:00

I want to learn to be content with where I am.

love where I'm at.

live wholeheartedly in the present.

pancakes.

2011-06-28T11:33:00.000-07:00

pancakes.

possibly my favorite staple food.

Adele.

possibly my new favorite musician.

Susan.

definitely. one of my favorite people.

the combination today - excellent.

Pancakes bring back all sorts of memories for me. Saturday mornings waking up to Mum working hard to make enough for five hungry children. New Zealand, living on my own and making them nearly every night due to my nearly non-existent cooking skills. Sitting in the kitchen today having them once again, it amazed me to think of how everything has changed in such a short time. My whole life looks different. God is so good, and I am so thankful.

the knot to undo.

2011-06-24T10:54:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it seems like the biggest threat to a relationship you're in

...is yourself.

I promise.

I'll let go of the gripping fears.

I'll forget the calendar dates.

the ones that set the paranoia deeper.

I'll close my eyes.

I'll let it be just me and you.

But baby, I'll always be a work in progress.

soon, but not yet.

2011-06-21T16:28:00.000-07:00

One day I'll be who I was meant to be.

When the "not yet" portion of God's kingdom is brought into fruition,

things will no longer be such a shade of grey.

His glory seen clearly in comparison to my depravity.

Nothing else will matter quite so much.

Romans 7:21-25

"So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me

through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

My soul is weary from the constant wrestling of heart and flesh.

Oh for the day I breathe without restraint.

worth it.

2011-06-17T15:30:00.001-07:00

{ }

2011-06-13T14:16:00.000-07:00

I don't always want to,

but I'm working to make the best of

what this is.

what I've got.

what I am.

.

2011-06-07T12:21:00.001-07:00

I just want to live, to love.

.

2011-05-27T14:25:00.001-07:00

discipline

2011-05-15T21:34:00.000-07:00

life goal: to find a bridge across the gap between how things are - and how they should be.

answer: Jesus.

There seem to be these really poignant times in my life where I am smacked rather rudely with the reality of my own messiness. (we could use another word here).

fact: life is hard.

question: what will we do with it?

I need a good kick in the behind from God. (I said this to a friend, then rather timidly looked up and added - "Oh! - A gentle one that is, please." You have to be careful what you ask for.)

I've been feeling generally unmotivated lately. Overwhelmed with the ways I'm failing to balance my life. Failing to spend the time I need with God. Not wanting to face up to the things I know Him and I need to tackle. Feeling like I can't live up to the expectations of friendships.

short story: things need to change.

the beginning: a new habit of prayer

thank goodness He's always loved me in my darkest times.

...

2011-05-11T16:43:00.000-07:00

"Your arms are long enough to reach
and Your eyes are sharp enough to see

When I'm outrunning you,

You're out running for me."

sea salt.

2011-05-04T21:13:00.000-07:00

I have days of missing Maine.

the lighthouses.

the coast.

the seafood.

the summer camping months.

One day, I'll take my children there.

let it be true.

2011-05-03T00:26:00.000-07:00

I want to love you more than I do.

{I can't seem to pray much more than that.}

repeat.

{ }

2011-04-23T20:20:00.000-07:00

I think you and I...

...could take on the world.

{hiding}.

2011-04-21T15:38:00.000-07:00

life is beautiful.

now go find it.

{ }

2011-04-15T23:08:00.000-07:00

I hate injustice.

building a quest.

2011-04-14T18:46:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like as soon as my ideas have hit the air they are doomed for failure, however they also seem to burst inside me until I let them out...so here I am letting them run
wild and free.

Summer plans:

Buy a bike. With a basket. In a creamy, pastel color.

Begin my endeavor to learn Spanish.

Experiment with cooking cuisine from different cultures.

Get a good, solid tan that makes me miss New Zealand less.

Buy a ticket to another country, and leave for a week...or two.

Take more photos.

Get my Etsy shop up and running.

Spend more time with my eyes open wide for people's needs. And do something about them.

Grow my nails out. (I feel like this goal must conclude each goal list I make or something would be admiss...appreciate the well-placed intention?)

{I've got a million dreams spreading through my veins.}

namesake.

2011-04-12T00:03:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it feels like I'm not enough.

Sometimes it feels like I'm too much.

Sometimes the lies scream louder than the truth.

But baby, I'm so much stronger than you think.

There's a lot of hope in this heart.

I want His light, His love. to be my bright anticipation.

I want the atmosphere to change with knowledge of His presence.

I want to change the atmosphere with His presence.

fragrance.

namesake.

the reason for my creation.

Every day, it's only clearer.

"grace finds beauty in everything"

{U2}

2011-04-10T11:44:00.000-07:00

sometimes I like to pretend that I am a

hippie-Indian-princess.

with braided hair and a winsome heart.

strong.

carefree.

fiercely loyal.

I always want to be the kind of woman who takes on life with gusto.

Someone who never lets life take over her.

let my soul run free.

2011-04-04T17:02:00.000-07:00

I like empty places.

free-spirited places.

where my soul can breathe deeply and rest.

where I feel alive.

where nothing can touch me.

where everything waits...just for adventure.

I like the places people rarely find time to visit.

those places with their own distinct feeling.

peaceful places.

beautiful places.

take me to those places.

{"Wilderness is not a luxury, it is a necessity."}

feel my heart {beat}.

2011-03-30T13:40:00.000-07:00

I just want to live loud.

The songs and {rushings} of my heart materialized into reality.

And not that I hope to do these things, but that I fully intend to do these things.

these days...

2011-03-24T17:54:00.000-07:00

My heart has only smiles.

obey.

2011-03-21T14:16:00.000-07:00

How much do you love me?

Obedience brings freedom.

Our actions, only symptoms of our hearts.

Beautiful illusions will never last as a substitute for truth.

{Isaiah 30:8-21}

Go now, write it on a tablet for them, inscribe it on a scroll, that for the days to come it may be an everlasting witness.These are rebellious people, deceitful children, children unwilling to listen to the Lord's instruction. They say to the seers, "See no more visions!" and to the prophets, "Give us no more visions of what is right! Tell us pleasant things, prophesy illusions. Leave this way, get off this path, and stop confronting us with the Holy One of Israel!" Therefore, this is what the Holy One of Israel says: "Because you have rejected this message, relied on oppression and depended on deceit, this sin will become for you like a high wall, cracked and bulging, that collapses suddenly, in an instant. It will break in pieces like pottery, shattered so mercilessly that among its pieces not a fragment will be found for taking coals from a hearth or scooping water out of a cistern." This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says: "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it. You said, 'No, we will flee on horses.' Therefore you will flee! You said, 'We will ride off on swift horses.' Therefore your pursuers will be swift! A thousand will flee at the threat of one; at the threat of five you will all flee away, till you are left like a flagstaff on a mountaintop, like a banner on a hill." Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him! O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."

I want to love you with my actions.

mm.

2011-03-17T10:55:00.000-07:00

the newest perfume on my wishlist.

2011-03-14T13:24:00.000-07:00

So...there's this boy...

I like him. :)

[fun...unexpected...and really exciting.]

this is all of me.

2011-03-10T10:50:00.000-08:00

Today, I exchange ashes for a crown of beauty.

Giving up a spirit of despair, for a garment of praise.

2011-03-08T08:48:00.000-08:00

Some days I still feel defeated.

But I know the name of the game is shame, and I won't play that anymore.

So whether I drag, or scrape my way to Jesus...

I will be found in Him.

matter of trust

2011-03-07T13:26:00.000-08:00

He always provides.

deep breath

always.

my element

2011-03-03T12:12:00.000-08:00

In two short weeks, I will have a (temporary, as it may be) place to call my own.

Let the dreaming & designing begin.

bare

2011-03-02T21:53:00.000-08:00

He said, "It's always been your heart I've wanted...and that is all."

It was me, He wanted.

2011-02-27T22:00:00.000-08:00

faithful.

"My God is faithful"

My friend Susan says that's stamped on me. On her. On him.

It's the reason the thoughts only linger.

The words no longer stick,

to the fabrication of my heart.

Your plea is loud, yes.

Your dying lyrics, sweetened.

Oh I feel them, I feel them to my deepest part.

I have known them, but I no longer claim them.

Love is greater than the illusions we build.

And the ashes we diminish it to.

Your mouth forms music but all I see is your chest caving in.

The desire is greater than what was lost.

Your contracting lungs struggle to swallow your pride.

If you can be brave enough to see that it was His eyes you saw.

His gaze you wanted.

His laughter you loved.

His child-heart you danced with.

That space in your soul will find hope when you find truth.

And love will not harm you.

It will bring you home.

2011-02-25T11:17:00.000-08:00

I'm having one of those days where it would be much more satisfying to scream than smile.

[ ]

2011-02-24T11:00:00.001-08:00

Dear Spring,

2011-02-22T10:52:00.000-08:00

I have such high hopes for you.

& much anticipation.

park visits

patchwork picnics

daffodils

busy sidewalks

greener branches

floaty dresses

puffy clouds

peach iced tea &

thunderstorms.

Really, you can't come soon enough.

portion of His grace

2011-02-20T21:26:00.000-08:00

The One who is, who was, who will always be.

I was made for worship.

Nothing else, but for Him.

What a beautiful, beautiful thing.

I've begun Beth Moore's study, "Breaking Free" - along with seventy other women of Siloam I've leaped into something I know can only be good. Beth Moore is witty, inspirational, and best of all - she scours the Word as someone deeply in love with each piece and each truth. Today's portion of the study was on pride, and oh man, did it hit hard. God has perfect timing that rings with truth of His pursuit. I knew there was a problem, I just needed the diagnosis. He laid it out for me, and I saw everything fall together. The thing is, seeing the problem is only the beginning. From there action, submission - and a breaking of my own desires to recall the faithfulness of God - and to glory in the fact that He is God - and I am not. Pride breeds when we let ourselves take the glory only God deserves.

He's done so much, how could I dare step in the way to promote myself?

I've done nothing.

Thankfully, He isn't about to let me stand in the way any longer.

2011-02-19T23:27:00.000-08:00

I really missed them today.

new season

2011-02-17T19:48:00.000-08:00

I have a secret...things are going to start looking a little

different around here.

Post: 556

2011-02-16T17:28:00.000-08:00

"To say that I am made in the image of God is to say that love is the reason for my existence...for God is love."

{Thomas Merton}

2011-02-15T21:02:00.000-08:00

One day, I want a house all my own. fresh, and piney. Is that a word? Now it is.

I also spent this past month - through the blizzards, snowmaggedon, and other strange snow happenings...muttering under my breath that upon my dead body, I'll one day have a fireplace in my bedroom.

And - thanks to Pioneer Woman, I now feel my house would be incomplete without a cowboy to go along with it...you know, it's sort of a package deal. Twofer. (Note use of new word #2...never mind, it's in the dictionary.) Think - John Paul White and Marlboro Man mix. Mm.

Okay, that's all the daydreaming I'll do for today. Off to bury myself under my quilt, clothed in every layer of clothing I own. If there was a winter-haters-anonymous, I would pass out buttons and be the president.

I'm ready to leave again...

2011-02-13T12:16:00.000-08:00

this is my new fashion lust...

2011-02-11T10:06:00.000-08:00

the art of beautiful living.

2011-02-10T18:18:00.000-08:00

I like to dream of becoming a mix between Beth Moore and the Pioneer Woman (Ree Drummond).

To have a friend tell me today that she thinks I actually could...felt really empowering...and incredibly exciting.

2011-02-09T18:27:00.000-08:00

maybe the bitter root is more twisted than I realized.

I can't seem to make it stop.

Ezer Kenegdo

2011-02-06T22:20:00.000-08:00

I was trudging through the untouched, soft and drifty snow the other day...I had quite a walk ahead, but I was enjoying myself and taking advantage of the quiet to have a casual conversation with God.

It's hard to stop.

Especially during a time of transition when your world is momentarily turned upside down and there are people to see, errands to run.

I enjoy God in my relationships, but I have to make myself stop and enjoy Him alone as well. While I breathed the cold air in and out, I had the thought that during this season of my life, God is like my Boaz. My needs are really practical things, food, a place to live, transportation...similar to Ruth I have been uprooted and am alone to provide for myself. I love picturing God as my Boaz. My "Ezer Kenegdo" - my sustainer. This Hebrew phrase was first used in the Bible when God describes Eve and her role to man, but it is also used throughout the Bible in explaining God coming to us in desperate time of need. (Psalm 121:1-2)

Sometimes trusting God with emotional issues seems somehow more "manageable" than the crucial things we need on daily basis for living.

I am discovering this to be a hard place, more difficult than where I've been before. It takes a "one day at a time" mentality, and a lot of courage. But in it - I am already discovering the deep protecting, caring, nurturing - heart of God. He sustains me. Every single day I see my needs met and I feel strong in knowing it's Him I get to be with. He is my Boaz, and no one else - and I love that. I feel something similar to a jealousy for Him, but not jealousy...more of - that place in my life is sacred - it's just for Him, and there is nothing at war within me contesting that or wanting something different. - And that...if you can understand, is such a good, good feeling.

deja vu

2011-02-01T14:08:00.000-08:00

It's blizzard weather today. How absurd.

I live here again...where it snows...where things close,

and shut down.

Where it's freezing cold without any chance of a tan. Ha.

Mumford and Sons have put me in a melancholy mood today with the familiar lyrics and the grey sky outside. I do so love them though.

Some people think moving countries is a piece of cake - to them I would say - GO do it - THEN you're entitled to an opinion. Sorry, had to vent on that one.

It's strange "going backwards" in life. This was a different time, a different stage, a different mindset.

I'm afraid of the parts of me that haven't changed.

As if they could somehow nullify the changes that have been made.

I left some things on purpose.

Being a world away I forgot what I wanted to.

I miss that luxury.

Siloam Springs, AR

2011-01-31T19:43:00.000-08:00

Hello again, it's been a while.

_

2011-01-26T20:48:00.000-08:00

How do you feel?

Well right now, I hate it.

Explain.

I can't.

Did you make the right decision?

You would know the answer to that as well as I do.

What are you going to do about it?

Yes, well that's where we're left isn't it?

.

2011-01-23T20:24:00.000-08:00

Life is about choices. How many times have you heard that said?
Well, it's true.

My mind has been heavy with decisions..."the world is your oyster"...but what do I want? Where do I want to be? Who do I want to surround myself with? What important things can I not live without? They are harder questions than they seem,
because they require a choice.

And as with every choice, something is lost.

"A godly woman hopes in God, and nothing else. She is brave when facing the future...believing in a sovereign God." -John Piper

Be brave Grace, at least this time.

{ and all that miscellaneous... }

2011-01-19T19:43:00.000-08:00

Current weather today: 75 degrees and humid.
Currently listening to: Pyro by, Kings of Leon.
Currently loving: Angelina Jolie's fashion sense in The Tourist. I'd steal her wardrobe in a heartbeat.

[ ]

2011-01-17T00:06:00.000-08:00

when I love you more

than I love myself

I am really loving you less

loving myself less than you

I make it harder

for you to love me

your love for me

is so very dependent

on the love I have for myself

and my love for you

will be stronger

if you love yourself the way you love me

-Ulrich Schaffer

something less, and something more.

2011-01-16T02:16:00.000-08:00

I've always been a girl with fairly traditional ideas and thoughts for how I wanted my future to play out. You know, you do the whole "fall in love, get married, have children, live beautifully thing"...but lately...I don't know...I've found things coming out of my mouth that I never expected to hear. Maybe it's been moving to a another country where their ideals are slightly different, or maybe it's just the place I'm at.

I've been watching friends get engaged, married, and watching people as they parent. It's all nice...and they seem genuinely happy...but I can't help feeling like I want more out of life than that. Is that terrible? Maybe I'm being incredibly selfish at this point in my life, but there is a whole lot of world out there I want to explore, things I want to do, adventures and risks I want to take...I love the endless possibilities. It seems like a fairly straightforward assumption to say that the way to achieve different "results" in life is to take a different path...and that is exactly what I am aiming to do.

Normal has never held my attention for long. Anyone could tell you that.

disappear

2011-01-13T00:52:00.000-08:00

I keep everything. No, really.

Today I went through the tedious process of cleaning out my e-mail inbox. My "drafts" box went from 537 to 147 messages...I thought that was a small success.

My drafts are full of everything from miscellaneous quotes I want to remember, photos I need to save, mailing addresses, phone numbers, grocery lists, even a recipe for my mum's pancakes.

If we've had a heart-to-heart e-mail conversation, I've got it. If we're really good friends, you may even have your own folder. I know...I know...excessive.

It's not just my e-mail inbox that is nearly bursting...

Birthday cards, thank-you cards, some scrap of paper with a meaningful note...I keep them all.

Photos...if they're really special, sometimes I save them in two different places.

...Journals...from since I was eight years old.

I'm afraid of forgetting.

I once had someone tell me, "You'll remember the things you're meant to remember, and the other things won't matter."

It's a pretty simple thought...but at the time I heard it, I hated it.

Now, I'm realizing the goodness in it.

I am trying to learn to hold things more loosely, letting some things slip through my fingers.

There's a beauty in letting things go...

life doesn't feel as heavy.

Things still matter.

And the things that really matter, won't ever actually be forgotten.

It's sort of like learning to give your heart a break...and it feels good.

cherry.

2011-01-12T01:02:00.000-08:00

The other day a friend and I were chatting over a cup of coffee, when all of a sudden she exclaimed, "You've gone American all of a sudden!" I burst out laughing, apparently I've begun speaking more like a Kiwi - reverting back to "American"

only when I'm excited.

Oh, New Zealand, the things you've done to me.

Did I mention that I am revelling in the fact that it is a blistering warm January? Because I am, very much so.

I love every minute of these sun rays.

2011-01-11T01:48:00.000-08:00

I love feeling pretty.

I love feeling feminine.

I love becoming the woman God's made me to be.

a slowly crept in chill.

2011-01-09T16:01:00.000-08:00

I've been really disappointed by people lately.

And I suppose I've let them all stack up on each other, to form one big lump in my throat.

It's hard not to find it discouraging.

It's in the sharper-than-usual words,

the words edged with jealousies, bitterness, insecurities...

and words that sound nice but aren't followed through...

I'll make you a priority, but only when I feel like it.

And we all do the same.
.

I look at myself...

I've let, I'm letting...people down - I struggle to follow through,

I offer only what's left of an exhausted and busy friendship.

...I have been shown grace, I must do the same,

or I would not be living true.

love

because we're all broken people with messed up lives.

so this, is what that was all for.

2011-01-06T18:36:00.000-08:00

Pedaling up a hill today on my bike ride home from work I felt really strong. Not just because I was persevering physically, but because inside I feel...for once...like a strong woman. Moving to New Zealand and creating a life for myself has been one of the most challenging, and yet rewarding things. I threw myself into loneliness and discomfort, and struggled for a good couple months, but how faithfully God saw to it that I received everything I needed. - And surrounded me with the people I needed.

I feel really confident with God, I'm tasting His goodness and seeing one mountain conquered...and bigger ones to come. It makes me really excited about life, in an altogether scary sort of way.

*

2011-01-04T19:27:00.000-08:00

Oh, Two thousand and eleven...You put a sparkle in my eye...there's just so much to look forward to.

nothing certain.

2010-12-27T04:02:00.000-08:00

Do you ever look at your life and wonder how you got to be where you are?

For two weeks I've been able to put most everything on hold and have a holiday, but Thursday...it all returns full force.

Though Christmas was different, I am thankful for the time spent with people who love me - and people who I love. God has surrounded every season and time in my life with beautiful people. I have an incredible family whose love for God is a rich legacy to carry on.

I enter 2011 confidently, only through meditating on God's faithfulness and outstanding love. I have never been at such a precarious place, with such fear of the uncertain. Yet His wisdom to us is that we are - "...not anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving..." presenting our requests to God...(Phil. 4:6)

"Thanksgiving"...a thankful heart is a heart that knows what God has done...and finds security in knowing His nature. We know who He has been...we know personally, His withstanding kindness...and in that - we can come boldly to Him and trust Him with our deepest hopes, and most vulnerable fears.

Really, it's all about letting go.

Side note: I'm also realizing my blog posts are pretty heavy these days - bear with me.

.

2010-12-23T01:37:00.000-08:00

You're the only one who really matters, aren't you?

Merry Christmas Jesus.

2010-12-19T18:07:00.000-08:00

I found myself wondering if you felt it

when my heartbeat left yours

...you know...

...if you noticed something change.

{I probably wonder things I shouldn't.}

limbo.

2010-12-17T23:12:00.000-08:00

Nobody tells you that being young feels like this.

I am overwhelmed with options. I think I make decisions more monumental than they probably are, and over analyze them too much...but I don't want regrets...who does, really.

People often give the advice, "follow your heart, do what you want to do...do what you love..." I wonder if anyone else feels like a stranger to themselves. I wish I knew what my heart wanted. I don't feel passionate about one career, I don't have the drive to do one thing for the rest of my life...I envy the people who do. I don't even have a hobby that I love more than anything.

Sigh. Praying today for God to give me vision. I want a cause, I want something to pursue wholeheartedly. Something absolutely worthwhile and life-changing.

The thing I care most about in my life are people...but maybe I need to care about more than that...do I?

I have no desire to be a career-driven woman, but maybe that's what I'm supposed to be.

Maybe it's time for my heart to grow older and my head to drive me more than my heart.

Ugh. I don't like being in this place. I really don't.

.

2010-12-12T02:57:00.000-08:00

The courtyard. The marble, the tall walls and the open roof. There was so much space between me and Him. I stood holding the handle of a massive dark brown door. I could leave, I knew I had the option. Did I want to leave the one consistent place in my life? No, I knew I didn't. I turned around and began walking back towards Him. I had no energy, no desire for Him...so I got down on my knees, willing myself to want Him. I stayed there, and He came to me. He knelt down, He always comes to where I am to meet me. He held His arms wide and I crawled into them. I sat there in His arms and felt how much He loved me. Once again my chest was torn open...the cavity of my ribcage exposed...and He took my heart out from me, holding it in His hands, bloody and a mess. Then He reached inside his own chest and took his heart and put it where mine had been. "You need to take my heart and show them what it's like." He said. "I am love, you cannot love without me." He continued. I nodded and watched Him put stitches down my side. As He did my eyes went quickly to my still remaining scars..."they're still there" I said sadly as I looked at the ugly twisted skin. He looked at me and said, "Grace. Every scar is there to draw attention for people to find my heart in you. They aren't going away, because each single scar has a purpose for the bigger picture of your life." I was stunned by the thought.I thought they were part of the tragedy of the consequences...I never thought they were meant to be there all along.

something special

2010-12-08T23:07:00.000-08:00

There is no other song I love as much as Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah".

There is something so starkly beautiful about it that makes me shiver.

In an odd way it instills an increasing hope inside.

My favorite line - "Love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah."

That...is stunning.

There are some things in my life that are more painful than I could ever try to explain to someone. But when I look back on them I see that in the end those things will all be brought together into the most beautiful, yes broken...hallelujah...and that will be my love. A shattered glass pieced back together with glimmers between the cracks and chips. The brokenness which tried to steal the beauty, in the end, only adding.

I love that.

that simple

2010-12-03T01:13:00.001-08:00

I want a reason to stay.

I want a reason to leave.

2010-12-02T19:11:00.000-08:00

His blood, speaks on my behalf.

every.

single.

day.

cement.

2010-12-01T20:52:00.000-08:00

Last night I could have punched a hole

through the wall.

I was so angry, and so frustrated.

I don't usually get angry, I usually get sad...but this was something more.

This was knowing I had hurt them.

This was knowing I was hurt.

It was frustration of trusting people.

Hearing one thing and seeing another.

Believe the best, then wishing I hadn't.

...giving second, second chances.

Being misunderstood and not being able to do anything about it.

My friend said to me today - "You're a treasure, live like you believe it."

So, there you have it.

Tomorrow I have an interview.

For my dream job.

I could not possibly be more excited.

When I left America, I knew in my heart it wouldn't be for a year.

This could be something permenant.

Those could have been some lasts.

A blank wall, waiting to be painted.

I'm choosing bright, and brighter colors.

Let's go God, you and me.

twenty & two.

2010-11-26T21:03:00.000-08:00

This blog post seems significantly more important, though I know that isn't necessarily true.

A birthday has always been to me a time when I take into account just how I have spent my last year, what I would like to continue doing, and what I would like to change.

Looking back though, I realize that most years were nothing I could have ever planned.

Coming into my twenty-second year I feel age clench a bit tighter, and my thoughts are heavy with vision and dreaming. The all-too-familiar quote, "Do not fear death, only the unlived life." is lodged at the forefront of my mind.

After spending time staring at the blank page of my journal, with only a few colorful doodles in the corner as a result of the hour...I decided this year needed to have a different look. No more - losing ten pounds-doing something nice for someone every day-taking time to stop and smell the roses - sort of resolutions. Those are all well and good, but if I'm honest, my attention span is so all-over-the-place I usually lose focus fairly quickly. I decided to skip the fluff sort of stuff, and stick to the simple. Getting down to the real meat and bones of life.

After that long-winded train of thought, these are the resolutions I ended with.

Part one - Not pretending to be anything I am not.

It's come to the point where it's just take it, or leave it.

I'll relish in my uninformed music taste.

I will laugh at my consistent fail attempts of parking a car.

And I will most likely always be grumpy in the mornings.

You get the idea.

Part two - I want to be like love.

Maybe that sounds strange, and maybe it is.

"To say that I am made in the image of God is to say that love is the reason for my existence, for God is love. Love is my true identity...If therefore i do anything or think anything or say anything or know anything that is not purely for the love of God, it cannot give me peace, or rest, or fulfillment or joy. To find love I must enter the sanctuary where it is hidden, which is the mystery of God."
{Thomas Merton}

How can my life look brighter? More like the brightest Love I know.

How can I lay down my life more for others?

Taking each individual person and caring, caring well.

I have a feeling that the secret to great joy is directly linked to sacrifice.

I'll end this post with my mind still racing,

and my heart still lost in thought.

I am stunned when I look around me and see the people God has chosen to love me through this past year. Beyond blessed isn't even descriptive enough. God has done so much. My heart slowing warming to His touch, and my will conforming to His ways.

This year is going to be a great one, I can feel it.

2010-11-18T22:00:00.000-08:00

Suddenly life is up in the air again and I'm looking for where to be, what to do, who to share things with.

Times like this when everything's a grab bag again, I've found my mind wandering back to places it hasn't gone in a long time.

Where does God want me next? Do I pick up somewhere I left off? Do I start again? Do I continue where I am? Now that there's a deadline, there will be a change.

I forgot some of those things that were said, they meant so much back then. Does what's around me now feel just as real as those things then? Will this safe place be just another curtain that collapses and ends?

I can't stand to add more to my memories. I want constancy in my life.

Dear God,

2010-11-17T02:39:00.001-08:00

Please hear my heart speaking.

unafraid

2010-11-16T02:25:00.000-08:00

I've been listening to Bruno Mars, "Grenade" on repeat, all day.

There's nothing particularly special about it, average pop song.

But something about it has got me hooked.

I’d catch a grenade for ya

Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I’d jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya
I would go through all this pain, Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby

I want my life to be marked by love.

I want to be known for loving when it's inconvenient.

maybe even irrational.

unconventional.

We have a deep capacity to love, unfortunately most of us bury it behind our fears.

just you, and me alone God.

2010-11-14T00:04:00.000-08:00

I needed a date with God, so I took a drive and went to the black sandy beach. It's been a warm day, and the cliffs were stunning in the heavy gray mist. I was the only one there, with the occasional jogger passing now and again. I went to the very edge of the sand and the waves and watched the sand slide past me as the water washed in and out. The surf was choppy and as far as I could see the waves grew bigger and bigger with white spray shooting up toward the lowering sun. I sang my favorite songs, I closed my eyes,..I let it be just me and Him. As the foam circled my feet, I glanced around me...turning full circle...then I spun around and around. Just like in the visions, there was the green water, the cliffs, and there I was dancing for Him. I wish I knew how to make it last, because when I'm with Him...I never want it to end.

drifting.

2010-11-07T18:37:00.000-08:00

I haven't been blogging lately. I haven't been keeping up with people well either. I feel guilty about both.

The truth is, I'm struggling to learn how to live fully in one place and still keep the closeness I have with friends away.

I'm also facing some big decisions about the future, and I'm unsure of what to base those decisions on. Maybe I just need to leap. With each choice there's a pain involved, and a joy. As is the nature of most things.

If you would have told me that moving over to New Zealand things would end up the way they have now...I either would have laughed in your face, or unpacked all my bags and been too frightened to move. Nothing like what I planned, or could have planned...but a place I like being, and a space in which I feel loved. It feels right. I know in my heart though that change inevitably will come at me fast...soon enough...and I feel like I am waiting tense and cautious, as if preparing myself for someone to jump out and say "boo!".

2010-11-04T04:18:00.000-07:00

I want to wake to find it was just a bad dream, or a cruel joke.

Death, it's unforgiving.

.

2010-10-28T03:30:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it feels like I'm running in place, going nowhere fast.

take me there.

2010-10-24T18:55:00.000-07:00

I've got the urge to travel again. I thought I had lost it for good, had my fill...but it's come back again. Watching "Eat, Pray, Love" with the beautiful Julia Roberts was quite inspiring, as was attending a gorgeous Indian festival. I love different cultures and want to find a way to visit both India, and Italy.

2010-10-22T05:21:00.000-07:00

Even if only for a short time...

I want there to be a season in my life when I believe this to be true.

blanket.

2010-10-19T21:34:00.000-07:00

I hid under a blanket in the corner, away from Him.

I was ashamed, I was tired, and I was done.

The old familiar courtyard.

Blue tile.

I knew I should I come out, but I couldn't. I couldn't move.

Instead of chide me, instead of coax me to move...

With flashlight in hand He knelt to where I was...

and He climbed under the blanket with me.

And we just sat there in silence.

...under the blanket-tent...just me and Him - and the light.

It was exactly what I needed.

He always knows exactly what I need.

2010-10-18T22:53:00.000-07:00

Oh, how He loves me so.

2010-10-15T14:12:00.001-07:00

I have to grit my teeth to not run away.

changes.

2010-10-13T04:02:00.000-07:00

my whole world has been turned upside down

the beautiful thing...is that...

God has never felt so close.

and...I feel so, absolutely loved.

morning by morning

2010-10-09T05:05:00.000-07:00

for some reason I am here.

maybe for finally forgetting what I needed to.

maybe for finding the burning inside me for foster children.

maybe to learn to be self-sufficient.

maybe to deepen my appreciation of familiar things.

maybe to have that conversation, give that hug, meet that person.

some days I wonder if what feels like a full on war is normal.

some days, like today, I wish to pack my bags and go home.

but where is home?

home is too many places in my heart, with no location.

In Him there is "no variableness, neither shadow of turning." {James 1:17}

Great is His faithfulness.