musical sanctuary

I'm really enjoying blogging. Two days in a row, it's pretty obvious.

I have found so much joy in beginning to play the piano again.

Seven years of hatred and I think I've finally found the joy in it.

The practice rooms have become my haven, sanctuary if you will.

When I'm tired, when I'm sad, when I'm happy, when I'm angry...that's where I go - and I pound out every emotion on those black and white keys.

Current favorite piece to play, Damien Rice, "9 Crimes".

I've got Ireland on my mind...

Seriously now, what about this doesn't look absolutely amazing and wonderful? I think Ireland is exactly the thing I need next semester. Appointment with international advisor made. Excitement. Check.

only time will tell

So I've decided...I would really like my next "new and exciting purchase" to be a men's leather watch. Brown. Wide band. Square face. I do realize that the one pictured above has none of these characteristics. However, it's a lovely photo.

He loved me first, He continues to love me first.

"We were created because we were loved, we were created so that we could experience that love, and we were created so that we could become a symbol of that love."


"His love - we did not earn it, we cannot lose it."
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The truth...I have overcomplicated it...and in doing that twisted it to lies.

It's so simple. He loves me...and nothing else matters.


{Quotes taken from - "Embracing the Love of God": James Bryan Smith}


P.S. Thanks for the 52 degree weather today...it made my day.

try for a better start

Today has been a strange day. Actually, this whole semester has started off really strange.

Maybe my expectations were too high.

Maybe I haven't been spending enough time with God...or caring.

I've been noticing myself pulling away from some of my friends just because I know they will be leaving after this semester. This is selfish...but it's my fear working to protect myself. I don't really know what to do about it.

Maybe this week is just a weird combination of classes beginning again, feeling sick, and the miserable weather. Hopefully I'll snap out of it.

Blogs are good for processing life. But,I guess some times lighthearted posts are harder to write than I thought...sorry.

I really am happy to be back. And chapel yesterday...was wonderful. Absolutely wonderful.

my postsecret

I wish you didn't know what I was thinking before I said it. I wish you didn't finish my sentences. I wish you didn't fear the same things I do. I wish you didn't dream of the things I dream of...it would make things easier, you know?

Nobody understands. But I miss you in my life.

ethereal fancies

I want to be a fairy...





...and live in a tree house.

musings

I am officially blog obsessed. Style blog obsessed. As I told Leslye the other day, finding a good blog to me is like finding treasure. haha...seriously. I love the creative ideas & inspiration and I have so many folders on my computer with miscellaneous photos it's crazy. I really should do some sorting.


So...part of the curse of being a college student is (for me at least) I'm always thinking about what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. So far here's what I'm considering:


1. Going to Australia to sing and hope for a break with Hillsong (hm...maybe vocal lessons are in order first)...



2. Floral arranging (Just look at this gorgeous arrangement from Saipua - http://saipua.blogspot.com)



3. Crafting beautiful things and selling them on www.etsy.com (most beloved site)

...isn't this darling?



Whichgoose: (http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=19463840)

4. Going and living in Asia (thoroughly enjoyed last summer's trip)



(I took this when we visited a tiny village in the mountains)

5. And finally...going to live in New Zealand and taking any job I can just to live there.



(Watch Prince Caspian and you'll be dying to live there too.)




Funny how none of these directly have anything to do with my major. Hm. Haha.

Oh...and I'm taking votes... :)

delightful day

These are a few of the simple joys of today.

Yummy Fiber One bars...chocolate mocha is my favorite. I think I could live on them.

My new cozy North Face fleece (that I've barely taken off).

And Herbal Essence's red raspberry shampoo & conditioner...mmm...delish.

Every day is full of these sorts of little treasures...sometimes I just forget to look for them.

2 more days till I go back to the books...I'm sort of anxious, and pretty excited. :)
I have a feeling a lot of this semester is going to consist of constant wedding hoopla (Gabi's & Hannah's weddings) --oh on that note, any fun (& clean) bachelorette party games suggestions are welcome-- I hope I can manage to keep my head. (After wedding dress shopping for a whole weekend non-stop I swore I didn't want to hear one more word pertaining to weddings...I've just barely recovered from that...hm. Should be interesting.)

I've decided my blog this year (2009!) needs to take a different spin. I'm an avid style blog reader and would love to have a blog that's more lighthearted and visual. Thoughts? What makes a good blog anyway?

Ok, off for now. Au revoir.


P.S. I'm quite proud of the fact that I have been eating healthy for three weeks now and have managed to lose about 8 lbs. hurrah! Christmas cookies - victory is mine! :)

reminder

Break has been nice, but I am ready for school again. Ready for the busyness, the people...and my own room.


Why does it seem like things happen only to fall to pieces in my hands? What decisions and choices do I need to make to see changes? Sigh. A sigh seems to be the only thing I can emit, I mean what more is there to say really? I feel like the battles I fight today are the battles I've been fighting since I was fourteen.

My mother said a profound thing the other day. She said that it's so important to remember that the core of Christianity is the relationship. And if we remember that then when things in our life don't seem to be going well instead of feeling like our world is tipsy we won't care because our relationship with Jesus is anchored. Basically, we don't need to feel like God is inconsistent and that our circumstances depend on if we're good or bad and His pleasure or displeasure with us.


I need to keep reminding myself of that truth. And pray that the huge fears I hold inside will one by one be broken down.

exist in the enjoyable

enjoy, don't just exist

even more...enjoy existing

and finally, exist in the enjoyable

heartbeat

Above all earthly things, the heart is of the utmost confusion. In each single beat is formed a memory, a reminiscence of moments past, a thought of laughter, or the searing burn of pain. Such a delicate, yet wicked thing. Constantly sought and pursued it longs for freedom but begs for submission. It seeks wisdom, yet often chooses folly first. The one hope of redemption becomes only an after thought. The thought of redemption so beautiful, yet the process too exhaustive to consider. Getting by each day with only a taste of the redemptive, to but soften, the beatings of the common jealousies and bitter thoughts. The things of which never lead to profit, only slowly to self-absorption and pity. How to overcome? To seek a complete redemption, is the richest gain. Defeating harsh deceptive sins before the soul is reached. So often instead, ignored, accepted, and even welcomed. When confronted there remains an enveloping feeling of powerlessness. Above all earthly conceptions remains a held faith in a greater Father Creator. The very one who by His breath, formed humanity, personally. In this source, when believed with abandonment, there is found peace. In Him is found the redemption to mark another day.

And so begins the twenties.

I am now 20 years old. I like saying that. :)

I'm not sure why but for some reason this birthday has had a bit more of an emotional impact then previous birthdays. I think it's because I am officially leaving the teen years...and entering a whole new world with the number "2". It seems sort of silly but it's had me contemplating quite a bit what exactly I am doing with my life.

It's wonderful to look back on this year and see the multitude of things Jesus took me through and taught me. He loves me. A lot. His presence takes away fear. And I am trying to remember that as I look towards the future.

I understand myself so much more due to different experiences this year...painful heartbreak, influential people, comfort zones broken, fears overcome...I am grateful. Even though these are all things I have experienced in other years past I find myself looking at them in a whole new light and truly finding God's grace in every aspect of my life. (No pun intended). ;)

Beauty and truth. These are the things I look for in life...want in life. I have come to realize the responsibility of a designer to display truth through my artwork. And I have begun to discover a God who is more beautiful then my wildest imagination.

On a more practical note I am excited as I am beginning to set goals for my twentieth year. I am on my way to being a healthier and happier. :) I went to yoga for the first time tonight - and it was wonderful. Ok, granted I may have kicked the wall once...but I'm tall! haha...Oh...and had sweat pouring down my face...and pretty much looked like a lobster...but it was worth it! Practice makes perfect, right? :) I am just excited to try something new! And... even if the first half of the workout was torture the 20 minutes of relaxing, stretching, and listening to jungle music was my favorite thing ever.

I can't wait to see what wonderful things happen this year. I'll keep you updated. :)

P.S. I got contacts over break...is my eyesight already failing at 20? Yikes! haha -so much to look forward to.

And yet another chapter is closed.

Sometimes we just have to move on. Even if we don't understand why it ever happened, what it is, what it was, where it's going, or where it might have gone.



And trust the Father's goodness. Not just His goodness...but His goodness for us.



I think I'll read a C.S. Lewis book tonight, I do so love his writings.


I miss my family terribly and am anxiously awaiting Thanksgiving.

behind my every wall

{the truth is...when I'm not with you...I miss you}.


you see behind my every wall.

how do you do it? how do you understand me so well?

it's just there...i understand you...and you understand me.

sometimes it terrifies me.

more than anything it terrifies me to think of losing this...whatever this is...

...and looking back on what could have been.

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.

i'm afraid you'll see my ugly side.

i'm afraid of never being enough.

but despite all fears...I desperately hope.

in between the moon and where you are

I'm shoved in your cave, to wage this rage
Don't let me go
A kick and a scream is all that seems
To mean a lot thus far
I won't let you on my stage, my page
You can't know
Yet you have to know

So calm... and now it's dark
I look for you to light my heart
I'm in between the moon and where you are
I know... I can't be far

{ugly side: blue october}

incomplete

There lies in store a hope that surpasses even my greatest dreams.

Yet, all I want are my desires of the here and now fulfilled.

There is a God of whose majesty, I in my finite mind cannot comprehend.

Yet, I fail to trust Him, I fail to love Him, I fail to acknowledge Him.

There is a deep, soul penetrating love that can fill the smallest corners of my empty heart.

Yet, I turn to crave the hollowness of human love.

contradiction.

frustration.

Just out of reach

"A woman who is full of tender mercy and soft vulnerability is a powerful, lovely woman." (Captivating)


I know the woman I want to be. I know what my dreams are.


They only seem so far away...I don't quite know how to reach them...I haven't found the things I need to give up...or perhaps I have and am denying what I know to be true.


And I can hear Him. He's calling me...


But again...I just can't quite get to Him.
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.
.

I am P.U.S.H ing...."Praying Until Something Happens" ...because that's all I know to do right now.

know that I'm yours to keep

While I'm off chasing my own dreams
Sailing around the world
Please know that I'm yours to keep
.........................................................................................................................................................................

Summer is here. Suddenly I am overwhelmed with the freedom of time, I miss my scheduled and hurried days. I have many dreams for this summer...I call them my "sandcastle dreams". walks. fresh fruit. summer tan. poolside days. China. anthropologie dresses. late conversations with sisters. laughing till tears. camping. family. new realizations. devoted time. hope.

.........................................................................................................................................................................
I know that if I lived my whole life with only you, I would be completely satisfied.

Jesus, more than my provider, my very sustainer.

you alone give my dreams meaning.

embracing pain

Winter break has been such a time of reflection. I left school running away from some problems...hoping to come home and find healing in the solitude and time away. I have learned so much, and I continue to ponder so much in my heart. I realized that I want to love people and keep my heart vulnerable being aware of the possibility of getting hurt...and when that hurt comes I want to accept it, not hide from, not harden heart from it...but let Jesus love me through it. A woman's heart was made to love deeply and vulnerably...God made our hearts to reflect a very special part of Him. Too often we say "it's not fair!" and we get bitter and close up when we are disappointed or hurt...and that is exactly what Satan wants. When our hearts become cold and unfeeling...we stop reflecting the heart of God. It's hard...but our energy and capacity to love must come from Jesus...our knight, our rescuer, our lover...the One who loves us more than anyone ever will, or ever could. He will give us the strength to leave behind our pity parties and love again...and He will be the love for us when we can't even love ourselves. These words seem repetitive...but they are becoming so real to me.

iDesign

I got my first real design job today. It was kind of scary...but super exciting. There's a huge amount of responsibility. I am praying that through all of my design work God would work through me and be my inspiration, as He himself is the greatest of designers. I trust that God has gifted me and I trust that He gave me a love for art and design for a reason. That is why I have the confidence I do as I begin my first job.

I am a bit overwhelmed today, but I will be fine. I am praying for self-control...I need to make some changes in my life...and it's easy to think about those changes, hard to follow through.


Jesus, your name is like honey on my lips, your Spirit like water to my soul.

protect me

My emotions confuse me...take me on whirlwind rides...up to ferris wheel heights...round and round as a spinning carousel. I find my solace in prayer. Seeking the good of others, praying earnestly for things that will hurt my heart (hopefully momentarily). Trying so hard to abandon self. Love and trust comes with a price. Chances. Sacrifice. Fear, never too far behind.

I hope.

I wait.

I trust.

I continue learning love.

Jesus be my sustainer. My life-giver, protector of my heart. [which forges on despite sheer frailty]



Keisha may think she has an audience of one...but my audience of zero may top hers. However, my writings require no audience.

resolved

A day of resolutions.

Guarding my tongue...watching my thoughts.

I want to become all God wants me to be as a woman.

Instead of looking ahead I want to be free from worries and enjoy today as today is.

He is so faithful...so compassionate.

pumpkin spice lattes and chilly air

Autumn is my favourite time of year.

Crispy leaves, fiery colours, warm smells, burrowing creatures, snow-smelling air...perfect days.

Thank you Jesus for these days.

underserving...I guess that why they me grace

When did I fall out of love with Jesus?


What am I doing?

I get so caught up in the things that have no worth. I get SO hung up on the lies. The deceitful pleasures that only rob me of my joy.

Vanity.

Pride.

It all fades away....


Only the word of the Lord endures forever.


Oh Jesus this forgiveness I don't deserve.