.

It's just an ache, that never goes away.



So I've decided to forget, it all. What else is there to do really?
It's all been taken {away}.




"The worst thing about getting your heart broken is going to sleep and knowing you’re going to wake up and nothing has changed."



.

I designed some shoes today.

I drew a map of downtown New York on these lovely canvas flats.

I don't think you understand, I can't help it.

"And if the man who once upon a time had been a boy who promised he'd never fall in love with another girl as long as he lived kept his promise, it wasn't because he was stubborn or even loyal. He couldn't help it."

— Nicole Krauss (The History of Love: A Novel)

The God of this universe...loves me.

I have decided to watch this video every single day until this truth is ingrained in my mind and I can repeat it word for word.



I'm on a quest, of discovering His love.

thank you.

"If I never knew you, I’d be safe, but half as real."

Thank you for giving me some of the most beautiful moments of my life.

Thank you for inspiring me to be more than I ever thought I could be.

Thank you for teaching me how amazing and wild love can be.

Until I die, you'll own part of my heart.








And by that, I mean, always.

powerful love

I had somewhat of a revelation today.

I've been thinking a lot lately about love. Real love.

Love that fights anger felt towards others, love that forgives other's actions, even if according to cultural opinion there's a strong argument for their injustice. Love that does not hold grudges, keeps absolutely no account of wrongs.

Just as Paul writes, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." {1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

Beautiful love.

I realized that love has a lot to do with the changes I want to make in my life. But in a very different way than I thought. I realized that maybe overcoming the insecurities and self-conscious thoughts that I struggle with isn't about finding ways to love myself more...it isn't about telling myself positive things or trying to completely change my mindset by will power...maybe it's as simple as forgetting completely about myself and loving others. It's so obvious now, self-conscious- too aware of self, vain, proud, self-seeking, self-pleasing. In the time I spend hating myself I am taking time away from loving others. It is blinding me.

Loving others by listening to them, by spending time with them as if they are a great movie, or book - enjoying who they are, asking questions, delving into understanding them. "Blue Like Jazz" has a great chapter on this and talks about making the decision to love someone in your mind as well as in your conversation the second you meet them.

Loving others is hard when you're so caught up in yourself, and I have begun to realize more and more just how self-absorbed I really am.

I am praying Jesus...

1. Gives me freedom from my consuming, own self criticism.
1. & Shows me how to listen, study, and care deeply for people - despite anything they think about me or any way they treat me.

I think this will take a lifetime of learning, but I think I'm gradually beginning to understand it...bit by bit.

Sigh...and it's so freeing.

words

“Words do not express thoughts very well. They always become a little different immediately after they are expressed, a little distorted, a little foolish. {Herman Hesse}


This whole week I've felt like trying to express myself and what I'm feeling is like running around and around in an endless circle.
.
.

My words bear no resemblance to what my heart actually feels.

.

"What about you? Are you happiest and saddest right now that you've ever been?"

"Of course I am."

"Why?"

"Because nothing makes me happier and nothing makes me sadder than you."

{Nicole Krauss : The History of Love}


Postscript: I have begun writing a book. Why? I'm not really sure.

Slowly, and painfully.

I think I am dying inside.

Loss: you never get over it, you only get used to it.

"One day, you fall for this boy and he touches you with his fingers and he burns holes in your skin with his mouth and it hurts to look at him and it hurts when you don’t and it feels like someone’s cut you open with a piece of glass."

I want to love like Jesus.

.

jealousy

{it will eat you.}

i like today.

listen

“People who talk about their dreams are actually trying to tell you things about themselves they’d never admit in normal conversation." {Anonymous}

basically.

This is what falling in love feels like.

You're here, but you're not.

Is it okay to say that I miss you?



Like crazy actually.

hello dear little blog.

I once again have the freedom to blog. Hallelujah.

finished with my junior year

24 hours of packing. Dang.

If nothing else will make you ready to leave school, that will.

Today I created another blog, just for Ireland.

I'm sort of a little...yes...excited.

www.grandirishadventures.blogspot.com

{when we collide we break in two}

{only the beginning}

Oh beautiful summer, here I come.

.

This has quite possibly been the worst week of my life. Not even kidding.

Now, I just have to pack up my life and say goodbye to JBU till next January. Strange.

sleep. it happens. rarely.

{Oh...that's what I'm missing in my life. right.}

fell again

How'd you find me here?

And is that fear I see?
Don't be mad at me.

I think I'm back to be where I've been, yes again.
It's best just to be alone.

You say I'll make it, I don't know. I feel it down in my bones.
Down in my bones.

You take away the edge the pain's there but I'm half numb.

Can't believe that after how far I've come I fell back down again.


(Bones: Dustin Rapier)

It's finals week.

Oh.

My.

Goodness.


Welcome to the week I lose my mind.