Siloam Springs, AR

 

Hello again, it's been a while. 

_

How do you feel?

Well right now, I hate it. 

Explain.

I can't.

Did you make the right decision?

You would know the answer to that as well as I do. 

What are you going to do about it?

Yes, well that's where we're left isn't it?

.

Life is about choices. How many times have you heard that said?
Well, it's true.

My mind has been heavy with decisions..."the world is your oyster"...but what do I want? Where do I want to be? Who do I want to surround myself with? What important things can I not live without? They are harder questions than they seem,
because they require a choice.

And as with every choice, something is lost. 

"A godly woman hopes in God, and nothing else. She is brave when facing the future...believing in a sovereign God."  -John Piper

Be brave Grace, at least this time.

{ and all that miscellaneous... }

Current weather today: 75 degrees and humid.
Currently listening to: Pyro by, Kings of Leon.
Currently loving: Angelina Jolie's fashion sense in The Tourist. I'd steal her wardrobe in a heartbeat.

 

[ ]

when I love you more

than I love myself

I am really loving you less

loving myself less than you

I make it harder 

for you to love me

your love for me 

is so very dependent

on the love I have for myself

and my love for you

will be stronger

if you love yourself the way you love me

-Ulrich Schaffer

something less, and something more.

I've always been a girl with fairly traditional ideas and thoughts for how I wanted my future to play out. You know, you do the whole "fall in love, get married, have children, live beautifully thing"...but lately...I don't know...I've found things coming out of my mouth that I never expected to hear. Maybe it's been moving to a another country where their ideals are slightly different, or maybe it's just the place I'm at.

I've been watching friends get engaged, married, and watching people as they parent. It's all nice...and they seem genuinely happy...but I can't help feeling like I want more out of life than that. Is that terrible? Maybe I'm being incredibly selfish at this point in my life, but there is a whole lot of world out there I want to explore, things I want to do, adventures and risks I want to take...I love the endless possibilities. It seems like a fairly straightforward assumption to say that the way to achieve different "results" in life is to take a different path...and that is exactly what I am aiming to do.

Normal has never held my attention for long. Anyone could tell you that.

disappear

I keep everything. No, really. 

Today I went through the tedious process of cleaning out my e-mail inbox. My "drafts" box went from 537 to 147 messages...I thought that was a small success.

My drafts are full of everything from miscellaneous quotes I want to remember, photos I need to save, mailing addresses, phone numbers, grocery lists, even a recipe for my mum's pancakes. 

If we've had a heart-to-heart e-mail conversation, I've got it. If we're really good friends, you may even have your own folder. I know...I know...excessive.

It's not just my e-mail inbox that is nearly bursting...

Birthday cards, thank-you cards, some scrap of paper with a meaningful note...I keep them all.

Photos...if they're really special, sometimes I save them in two different places.

...Journals...from since I was eight years old.

I'm afraid of forgetting.

I once had someone tell me, "You'll remember the things you're meant to remember, and the other things won't matter."

It's a pretty simple thought...but at the time I heard it, I hated it. 

Now, I'm realizing the goodness in it.

I am trying to learn to hold things more loosely, letting some things slip through my fingers.

There's a beauty in letting things go...

life doesn't feel as heavy.

Things still matter.

 And the things that really matter, won't ever actually be forgotten.

It's sort of like learning to give your heart a break...and it feels good.

cherry.

 

The other day a friend and I were chatting over a cup of coffee, when all of a sudden she exclaimed, "You've gone American all of a sudden!" I burst out laughing, apparently I've begun speaking more like a Kiwi - reverting back to "American" 

only when I'm excited. 

Oh, New Zealand, the things you've done to me.

Did I mention that I am revelling in the fact that it is a blistering warm January? Because I am, very much so. 

I love every minute of these sun rays.

I love feeling pretty. 

I love feeling feminine.

I love becoming the woman God's made me to be.

a slowly crept in chill.

I've been really disappointed by people lately. 

And I suppose I've let them all stack up on each other, to form one big lump in my throat.

It's hard not to find it discouraging. 

It's in the sharper-than-usual words, 

the words edged with jealousies, bitterness, insecurities...

and words that sound nice but aren't followed through...

I'll make you a priority, but only when I feel like it. 

And we all do the same.
.

I look at myself... 

I've let, I'm letting...people down - I struggle to follow through, 

I offer only what's left of an exhausted and busy friendship.

...I have been shown grace, I must do the same, 

or I would not be living true.

love

because we're all broken people with messed up lives. 

so this, is what that was all for.

Pedaling up a hill today on my bike ride home from work I felt really strong. Not just because I was persevering physically, but because inside I feel...for once...like a strong woman. Moving to New Zealand and creating a life for myself has been one of the most challenging, and yet rewarding things. I threw myself into loneliness and discomfort, and struggled for a good couple months, but how faithfully God saw to it that I received everything I needed.  - And surrounded me with the people I needed.

I feel really confident with God, I'm tasting His goodness and seeing one mountain conquered...and bigger ones to come. It makes me really excited about life, in an altogether scary sort of way.

*

Oh, Two thousand and eleven...You put a sparkle in my eye...there's just so much to look forward to.

nothing certain.

Do you ever look at your life and wonder how you got to be where you are?

For two weeks I've been able to put most everything on hold and have a holiday, but Thursday...it all returns full force.

Though Christmas was different, I am thankful for the time spent with people who love me - and people who I love. God has surrounded every season and time in my life with beautiful people. I have an incredible family whose love for God is a rich legacy to carry on.

I enter 2011 confidently, only through meditating on God's faithfulness and outstanding love. I have never been at such a precarious place, with such fear of the uncertain. Yet His wisdom to us is that we are - "...not anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving..." presenting our requests to God...(Phil. 4:6)

"Thanksgiving"...a thankful heart is a heart that knows what God has done...and finds security in knowing His nature. We know who He has been...we know personally, His withstanding kindness...and in that - we can come boldly to Him and trust Him with our deepest hopes, and most vulnerable fears.

Really, it's all about letting go. 

Side note: I'm also realizing my blog posts are pretty heavy these days - bear with me.

.

You're the only one who really matters, aren't you?

Merry Christmas Jesus. 

I found myself wondering if you felt it 

when my heartbeat left yours

...you know...

...if you noticed something change.

{I probably wonder things I shouldn't.}

limbo.

Nobody tells you that being young feels like this. 

I am overwhelmed with options. I think I make decisions more monumental than they probably are, and over analyze them too much...but I don't want regrets...who does, really.

People often give the advice, "follow your heart, do what you want to do...do what you love..." I wonder if anyone else feels like a stranger to themselves. I wish I knew what my heart wanted. I don't feel passionate about one career, I don't have the drive to do one thing for the rest of my life...I envy the people who do. I don't even have a hobby that I love more than anything. 

Sigh. Praying today for God to give me vision. I want a cause, I want something to pursue wholeheartedly. Something absolutely worthwhile and life-changing. 

The thing I care most about in my life are people...but maybe I need to care about more than that...do I?  

I have no desire to be a career-driven woman, but maybe that's what I'm supposed to be.

Maybe it's time for my heart to grow older and my head to drive me more than my heart. 

Ugh. I don't like being in this place. I really don't.

.

The courtyard. The marble, the tall walls and the open roof. There was so much space between me and Him. I stood holding the handle of a massive dark brown door. I could leave, I knew I had the option. Did I want to leave the one consistent place in my life? No, I knew I didn't. I turned around and began walking back towards Him. I had no energy, no desire for Him...so I got down on my knees, willing myself to want Him. I stayed there, and He came to me. He knelt down, He always comes to where I am to meet me. He held His arms wide and I crawled into them. I sat there in His arms and felt how much He loved me. Once again my chest was torn open...the cavity of my ribcage exposed...and He took my heart out from me, holding it in His hands, bloody and a mess. Then He reached inside his own chest and took his heart and put it where mine had been. "You need to take my heart and show them what it's like." He said. "I am love, you cannot love without me." He continued. I nodded and watched Him put stitches down my side. As He did my eyes went quickly to my still remaining scars..."they're still there" I said sadly as I looked at the ugly twisted skin. He looked at me and said, "Grace. Every scar is there to draw attention for people to find my heart in you. They aren't going away, because each single scar has a purpose for the bigger picture of your life." I was stunned by the thought.I thought they were part of the tragedy of the consequences...I never thought they were meant to be there all along.

something special

There is no other song I love as much as Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah". 

There is something so starkly beautiful about it that makes me shiver. 

In an odd way it instills an increasing hope inside.

My favorite line - "Love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah." 

That...is stunning. 

There are some things in my life that are more painful than I could ever try to explain to someone. But when I look back on them I see that in the end those things will all be brought together into the most beautiful, yes broken...hallelujah...and that will be my love. A shattered glass pieced back together with glimmers between the cracks and chips. The brokenness which tried to steal the beauty, in the end, only adding. 

I love that. 

that simple

I want a reason to stay.

I want a reason to leave.

His blood, speaks on my behalf.

every.

single.

day.

cement.

 

Last night I could have punched a hole 

through the wall.

I was so angry, and so frustrated. 

I don't usually get angry, I usually get sad...but this was something more.

This was knowing I had hurt them.

This was knowing I was hurt.

It was frustration of trusting people.

Hearing one thing and seeing another.

Believe the best, then wishing I hadn't.

...giving second, second chances.

Being misunderstood and not being able to do anything about it.

.

My friend said to me today - "You're a treasure, live like you believe it."

So, there you have it. 

Tomorrow I have an interview. 

For my dream job.

I could not possibly be more excited.

When I left America, I knew in my heart it wouldn't be for a year.

This could be something permenant.

Those could have been some lasts.

A blank wall, waiting to be painted.

I'm choosing bright, and brighter colors.

Let's go God, you and me.

twenty & two.

This blog post seems significantly more important, though I know that isn't necessarily true.

A birthday has always been to me a time when I take into account just how I have spent my last year, what I would like to continue doing, and what I would like to change. 

Looking back though, I realize that most years were nothing I could have ever planned. 

Coming into my twenty-second year I feel age clench a bit tighter, and my thoughts are heavy with vision and dreaming. The all-too-familiar quote, "Do not fear death, only the unlived life." is lodged at the forefront of my mind. 

After spending time staring at the blank page of my journal, with only a few colorful doodles in the corner as a result of the hour...I decided this year needed to have a different look. No more - losing ten pounds-doing something nice for someone every day-taking time to stop and smell the roses - sort of resolutions. Those are all well and good, but if I'm honest, my attention span is so all-over-the-place I usually lose focus fairly quickly. I decided to skip the fluff sort of stuff, and stick to the simple. Getting down to the real meat and bones of life. 

After that long-winded train of thought, these are the resolutions I ended with.

Part one - Not pretending to be anything I am not. 

It's come to the point where it's just take it, or leave it. 

I'll relish in my uninformed music taste.

I will laugh at my consistent fail attempts of parking a car.

And I will most likely always be grumpy in the mornings.

You get the idea.

Part two - I want to be like love. 

Maybe that sounds strange, and maybe it is.

"To say that I am made in the image of God is to say that love is the reason for my existence, for God is love. Love is my true identity...If therefore i do anything or think anything or say anything or know anything that is not purely for the love of God, it cannot give me peace, or rest, or fulfillment or joy. To find love I must enter the sanctuary where it is hidden, which is the mystery of God."
{Thomas Merton}

How can my life look brighter? More like the brightest Love I know.

How can I lay down my life more for others?

Taking each individual person and caring, caring well.

I have a feeling that the secret to great joy is directly linked to sacrifice.

I'll end this post with my mind still racing, 

and my heart still lost in thought.

I am stunned when I look around me and see the people God has chosen to love me through this past year. Beyond blessed isn't even descriptive enough. God has done so much. My heart slowing warming to His touch, and my will conforming to His ways. 

This year is going to be a great one, I can feel it.

Suddenly life is up in the air again and I'm looking for where to be, what to do, who to share things with.

Times like this when everything's a grab bag again, I've found my mind wandering back to places it hasn't gone in a long time. 

Where does God want me next? Do I pick up somewhere I left off? Do I start again? Do I continue where I am? Now that there's a deadline, there will be a change. 

I forgot some of those things that were said, they meant so much back then. Does what's around me now feel just as real as those things then? Will this safe place be just another curtain that collapses and ends?

I can't stand to add more to my memories. I want constancy in my life.

Dear God,

Please hear my heart speaking.

unafraid

I've been listening to Bruno Mars, "Grenade" on repeat, all day. 

There's nothing particularly special about it, average pop song.

But something about it has got me hooked.

I’d catch a grenade for ya 

Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I’d jump in front of a train for ya 
You know I'd do anything for ya 
I would go through all this pain, Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby

I want my life to be marked by love.

I want to be known for loving when it's inconvenient.

maybe even irrational.

unconventional.

We have a deep capacity to love, unfortunately most of us bury it behind our fears.