It was me, He wanted.

 

faithful.

"My God is faithful"

My friend Susan says that's stamped on me. On her. On him.

It's the reason the thoughts only linger.

The words no longer stick,

to the fabrication of my heart.

Your plea is loud, yes.

Your dying lyrics, sweetened.

 Oh I feel them, I feel them to my deepest part. 

I have known them, but I no longer claim them.

Love is greater than the illusions we build.

And the ashes we diminish it to.

Your mouth forms music but all I see is your chest caving in.

The desire is greater than what was lost.

Your contracting lungs struggle to swallow your pride.

If you can be brave enough to see that it was His eyes you saw.

His gaze you wanted.

His laughter you loved.

His child-heart you danced with.

That space in your soul will find hope when you find truth.

And love will not harm you.

It will bring you home.

I'm having one of those days where it would be much more satisfying to scream than smile.

[ ]

Dear Spring,

I have such high hopes for you.

& much anticipation.

park visits

patchwork picnics

daffodils

busy sidewalks

greener branches

floaty dresses

puffy clouds

peach iced tea &

thunderstorms.

Really, you can't come soon enough.

portion of His grace

 

The One who is, who was, who will always be.

I was made for worship.

Nothing else, but for Him.

What a beautiful, beautiful thing.

I've begun Beth Moore's study, "Breaking Free" - along with seventy other women of Siloam I've leaped into something I know can only be good. Beth Moore is witty, inspirational, and best of all - she scours the Word as someone deeply in love with each piece and each truth. Today's portion of the study was on pride, and oh man, did it hit hard. God has perfect timing that rings with truth of His pursuit. I knew there was a problem, I just needed the diagnosis. He laid it out for me, and I saw everything fall together. The thing is, seeing the problem is only the beginning. From there action, submission - and a breaking of my own desires to recall the faithfulness of God - and to glory in the fact that He is God - and I am not. Pride breeds when we let ourselves take the glory only God deserves. 

He's done so much, how could I dare step in the way to promote myself? 

I've done nothing. 

Thankfully, He isn't about to let me stand in the way any longer.

I really missed them today.

new season

 

I have a secret...things are going to start looking a little 

different around here.

Post: 556

"To say that I am made in the image of God is to say that love is the reason for my existence...for God is love." 

{Thomas Merton}

One day, I want a house all my own. fresh, and piney. Is that a word? Now it is.

I also spent this past month - through the blizzards, snowmaggedon, and other strange snow happenings...muttering under my breath that upon my dead body, I'll one day have a fireplace in my bedroom.

And - thanks to Pioneer Woman, I now feel my house would be incomplete without a cowboy to go along with it...you know, it's sort of a package deal. Twofer. (Note use of new word #2...never mind, it's in the dictionary.) Think - John Paul White and Marlboro Man mix. Mm.

Okay, that's all the daydreaming I'll do for today. Off to bury myself under my quilt, clothed in every layer of clothing I own. If there was a winter-haters-anonymous, I would pass out buttons and be the president.

I'm ready to leave again...

 

 

this is my new fashion lust...

 

the art of beautiful living.

 

I like to dream of becoming a mix between Beth Moore and the Pioneer Woman (Ree Drummond).

&

To have a friend tell me today that she thinks I actually could...felt really empowering...and incredibly exciting.

 

maybe the bitter root is more twisted than I realized. 

I can't seem to make it stop.

 

Ezer Kenegdo

 

I was trudging through the untouched, soft and drifty snow the other day...I had quite a walk ahead, but I was enjoying myself and taking advantage of the quiet to have a casual conversation with God.

It's hard to stop. 

Especially during a time of transition when your world is momentarily turned upside down and there are people to see, errands to run. 

I enjoy God in my relationships, but I have to make myself stop and enjoy Him alone as well. While I breathed the cold air in and out, I had the thought that during this season of my life, God is like my Boaz. My needs are really practical things, food, a place to live, transportation...similar to Ruth I have been uprooted and am alone to provide for myself. I love picturing God as my Boaz. My "Ezer Kenegdo" - my sustainer. This Hebrew phrase was first used in the Bible when God describes Eve and her role to man, but it is also used throughout the Bible in explaining God coming to us in desperate time of need. (Psalm 121:1-2)

Sometimes trusting God with emotional issues seems somehow more "manageable" than the crucial things we need on daily basis for living. 

 I am discovering this to be a hard place, more difficult than where I've been before. It takes a "one day at a time" mentality, and a lot of courage. But in it - I am already discovering the deep protecting, caring, nurturing - heart of God. He sustains me. Every single day I see my needs met and I feel strong in knowing it's Him I get to be with. He is my Boaz, and no one else - and I love that. I feel something similar to a jealousy for Him, but not jealousy...more of - that place in my life is sacred - it's just for Him, and there is nothing at war within me contesting that or wanting something different.  - And that...if you can understand, is such a good, good feeling.

deja vu

It's blizzard weather today. How absurd.

 I live here again...where it snows...where things close, 

and shut down. 

Where it's freezing cold without any chance of a tan. Ha.

Mumford and Sons have put me in a melancholy mood today with the familiar lyrics and the grey sky outside. I do so love them though.

Some people think moving countries is a piece of cake - to them I would say - GO do it - THEN you're entitled to an opinion. Sorry, had to vent on that one.

It's strange "going backwards" in life. This was a different time, a different stage, a different mindset.

I'm afraid of the parts of me that haven't changed.

As if they could somehow nullify the changes that have been made.

I left some things on purpose. 

Being a world away I forgot what I wanted to. 

I miss that luxury.

Siloam Springs, AR

 

Hello again, it's been a while. 

_

How do you feel?

Well right now, I hate it. 

Explain.

I can't.

Did you make the right decision?

You would know the answer to that as well as I do. 

What are you going to do about it?

Yes, well that's where we're left isn't it?

.

Life is about choices. How many times have you heard that said?
Well, it's true.

My mind has been heavy with decisions..."the world is your oyster"...but what do I want? Where do I want to be? Who do I want to surround myself with? What important things can I not live without? They are harder questions than they seem,
because they require a choice.

And as with every choice, something is lost. 

"A godly woman hopes in God, and nothing else. She is brave when facing the future...believing in a sovereign God."  -John Piper

Be brave Grace, at least this time.

{ and all that miscellaneous... }

Current weather today: 75 degrees and humid.
Currently listening to: Pyro by, Kings of Leon.
Currently loving: Angelina Jolie's fashion sense in The Tourist. I'd steal her wardrobe in a heartbeat.

 

[ ]

when I love you more

than I love myself

I am really loving you less

loving myself less than you

I make it harder 

for you to love me

your love for me 

is so very dependent

on the love I have for myself

and my love for you

will be stronger

if you love yourself the way you love me

-Ulrich Schaffer

something less, and something more.

I've always been a girl with fairly traditional ideas and thoughts for how I wanted my future to play out. You know, you do the whole "fall in love, get married, have children, live beautifully thing"...but lately...I don't know...I've found things coming out of my mouth that I never expected to hear. Maybe it's been moving to a another country where their ideals are slightly different, or maybe it's just the place I'm at.

I've been watching friends get engaged, married, and watching people as they parent. It's all nice...and they seem genuinely happy...but I can't help feeling like I want more out of life than that. Is that terrible? Maybe I'm being incredibly selfish at this point in my life, but there is a whole lot of world out there I want to explore, things I want to do, adventures and risks I want to take...I love the endless possibilities. It seems like a fairly straightforward assumption to say that the way to achieve different "results" in life is to take a different path...and that is exactly what I am aiming to do.

Normal has never held my attention for long. Anyone could tell you that.

disappear

I keep everything. No, really. 

Today I went through the tedious process of cleaning out my e-mail inbox. My "drafts" box went from 537 to 147 messages...I thought that was a small success.

My drafts are full of everything from miscellaneous quotes I want to remember, photos I need to save, mailing addresses, phone numbers, grocery lists, even a recipe for my mum's pancakes. 

If we've had a heart-to-heart e-mail conversation, I've got it. If we're really good friends, you may even have your own folder. I know...I know...excessive.

It's not just my e-mail inbox that is nearly bursting...

Birthday cards, thank-you cards, some scrap of paper with a meaningful note...I keep them all.

Photos...if they're really special, sometimes I save them in two different places.

...Journals...from since I was eight years old.

I'm afraid of forgetting.

I once had someone tell me, "You'll remember the things you're meant to remember, and the other things won't matter."

It's a pretty simple thought...but at the time I heard it, I hated it. 

Now, I'm realizing the goodness in it.

I am trying to learn to hold things more loosely, letting some things slip through my fingers.

There's a beauty in letting things go...

life doesn't feel as heavy.

Things still matter.

 And the things that really matter, won't ever actually be forgotten.

It's sort of like learning to give your heart a break...and it feels good.

cherry.

 

The other day a friend and I were chatting over a cup of coffee, when all of a sudden she exclaimed, "You've gone American all of a sudden!" I burst out laughing, apparently I've begun speaking more like a Kiwi - reverting back to "American" 

only when I'm excited. 

Oh, New Zealand, the things you've done to me.

Did I mention that I am revelling in the fact that it is a blistering warm January? Because I am, very much so. 

I love every minute of these sun rays.

I love feeling pretty. 

I love feeling feminine.

I love becoming the woman God's made me to be.

a slowly crept in chill.

I've been really disappointed by people lately. 

And I suppose I've let them all stack up on each other, to form one big lump in my throat.

It's hard not to find it discouraging. 

It's in the sharper-than-usual words, 

the words edged with jealousies, bitterness, insecurities...

and words that sound nice but aren't followed through...

I'll make you a priority, but only when I feel like it. 

And we all do the same.
.

I look at myself... 

I've let, I'm letting...people down - I struggle to follow through, 

I offer only what's left of an exhausted and busy friendship.

...I have been shown grace, I must do the same, 

or I would not be living true.

love

because we're all broken people with messed up lives.