{glorified}

Too many times I come to God with a list of heartaches and woes, completely self-absorbed. Tonight was no exception. Overtired and overwhelmed with emotions from all the change happening I wanted to turn right around, fly back to America, sit at home on my bed and just weep. I don't like being out of control, and I don't like leaving people I love...but if I stay within a box of comfort my whole life, how can I say I'm trusting God?

Someone once told me that men and women are like a chest of drawers. Men can open one drawer and keep "work" in there, then shut it to open another drawer where they keep "home life"...but women, they have one drawer and that drawer holds everything and if one thing is affected - so is everything else. I feel like I've got a lot going on in my "drawer". A lot of things God has been bringing to my attention, some decisions to make, some hurts to tend to, and some challenges to conquer.

First, let me share with you some amazing things I am learning from a book I bought - Beth Moore's autobiography of sorts, "So Long Insecurity, You've Been A Bad Friend." This book has me captivated. Here are some of the quotes I underlined, twice.

"You and I have to come to a place where we stop handing people the kind of power only God should wield over us."

"No person on earth can love you perfectly enough to mend a tear in the crimson fabric of your soul."

"In your pursuit of God-vested security, the only relationships in your life that will suffer rather than improve are the significantly unhealthy ones."

"We can be so blessed in certain relationships that our unrealistic expectations often seem met and, therefore, reasonable. We can get away with thinking we're secure people because, for a time, we have the important things just like we want them. But then change happens, and suddenly we are thrown for a severe emotional loop. We realize we weren't secure. We were spoiled."

"The fact that she can be a complicated mix of confidence and self-consciousness is the very reason it took me so long to identify it in myself and admit it."

"I not only lack security, I also lack faith. I don't just doubt myself, I also doubt God about myself."

I wish I had heard these words a lot sooner in my life. But, perhaps I wouldn't have taken such note of them before.

In honesty and with courage I am going to place my security where it belongs, whether it means reading this book over and over, or finding a thousand other books on the topic...I'm bound and determined to see the end of this.

Secondly, I need to give you an update on my Kiwi-lifestyle. That's what New Zealanders are called, Kiwis. Today I tried fruit I couldn't pronounce, I went for a hike in the rainforest/bush, skyped with Susan (which made me teary), cleaned & set up house, made a fast new friend named Katherine, went to a fantastic church service at a Vineyard church, and afterwards went out with some people and had a great veggie burger with sweet potato fries. It was a rollercoaster day. And I am EXHAUSTED...but also addicted to this dear little blog.

I have to share words from a song we sang in church -

Lord I come into your Holy place.
Stand in awe, of your cleansing grace.
Who am I, that you would care for me?
I glorified the one who died for me.

{Glorified :: Parachute Band}

Mm. It felt good to reconnect with God.

Thirdly, I covet your prayers as I am realizing stepping into this job is going to require me really stretching myself. I am in a much bigger leadership position than I realized and it's going to take a lot from me. I'm excited because it means growth, but nervous because I am still working on that insecurity stuff, you know.

Also I'm already experiencing some heart-sickness...(that's what I call homesickness for friends)...I don't want to lose contact with you all, so your messages, comments, etc...really do mean the world to me.

Okay, goodnight for now. I'm leaving you with a list of the books currently by my bedside -