hunger for permanence.

Lately I have found myself longing for permanence in relationships. I struggle to invest time if I know someone isn't going to be friends with me for more than a season. Is it just a female trait, to hunger for intimate life-long friendships (The Philia friendship C.S. Lewis describes so well)? This desire for permanence doesn't just pertain to relationships either, it's felt with situations and experiences as well. It's this feeling of yearning for the fireworks to never fade, Christmas to never end, laughter to overtake the sobs, and beautiful memories to never reach the point of becoming a memory.

I have so much fear wrapped up in thoughts of losing close friendships I have with people that I love. I look at experiences past and see failed friendships and I begin projecting that same disappointment onto my current relationships as if it's inevitable. Time can often separate people, as can changes in situations. (Ireland). I feel as though I am in a battle, straining against all sorts of obstacles...pulling and struggling to hold onto my relationships and hold onto intimacy - while slowly all sense of control is slipping out from underneath my feet, like sand.

It's when I come to this point of utter helplessness that I finally give into the only hope I have, and that is the reassurance, that all of my amazing friendships that have lasted until this point have lasted not because of convenience, or situations, or anything of my own doing, but only as has been confirmed time and time again, by God's purposeful planning. So in prayer I lift up to Him all of my worries, concerns and anxiety and daily renew my trust that He will continue loving me by surrounding me with the people I need most.

And with the incredible experiences that come to an end, I hold tightly to the truth in C.S. Lewis' words - "If I discover within myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."