exist in the enjoyable

enjoy, don't just exist

even more...enjoy existing

and finally, exist in the enjoyable

heartbeat

Above all earthly things, the heart is of the utmost confusion. In each single beat is formed a memory, a reminiscence of moments past, a thought of laughter, or the searing burn of pain. Such a delicate, yet wicked thing. Constantly sought and pursued it longs for freedom but begs for submission. It seeks wisdom, yet often chooses folly first. The one hope of redemption becomes only an after thought. The thought of redemption so beautiful, yet the process too exhaustive to consider. Getting by each day with only a taste of the redemptive, to but soften, the beatings of the common jealousies and bitter thoughts. The things of which never lead to profit, only slowly to self-absorption and pity. How to overcome? To seek a complete redemption, is the richest gain. Defeating harsh deceptive sins before the soul is reached. So often instead, ignored, accepted, and even welcomed. When confronted there remains an enveloping feeling of powerlessness. Above all earthly conceptions remains a held faith in a greater Father Creator. The very one who by His breath, formed humanity, personally. In this source, when believed with abandonment, there is found peace. In Him is found the redemption to mark another day.

And so begins the twenties.

I am now 20 years old. I like saying that. :)

I'm not sure why but for some reason this birthday has had a bit more of an emotional impact then previous birthdays. I think it's because I am officially leaving the teen years...and entering a whole new world with the number "2". It seems sort of silly but it's had me contemplating quite a bit what exactly I am doing with my life.

It's wonderful to look back on this year and see the multitude of things Jesus took me through and taught me. He loves me. A lot. His presence takes away fear. And I am trying to remember that as I look towards the future.

I understand myself so much more due to different experiences this year...painful heartbreak, influential people, comfort zones broken, fears overcome...I am grateful. Even though these are all things I have experienced in other years past I find myself looking at them in a whole new light and truly finding God's grace in every aspect of my life. (No pun intended). ;)

Beauty and truth. These are the things I look for in life...want in life. I have come to realize the responsibility of a designer to display truth through my artwork. And I have begun to discover a God who is more beautiful then my wildest imagination.

On a more practical note I am excited as I am beginning to set goals for my twentieth year. I am on my way to being a healthier and happier. :) I went to yoga for the first time tonight - and it was wonderful. Ok, granted I may have kicked the wall once...but I'm tall! haha...Oh...and had sweat pouring down my face...and pretty much looked like a lobster...but it was worth it! Practice makes perfect, right? :) I am just excited to try something new! And... even if the first half of the workout was torture the 20 minutes of relaxing, stretching, and listening to jungle music was my favorite thing ever.

I can't wait to see what wonderful things happen this year. I'll keep you updated. :)

P.S. I got contacts over break...is my eyesight already failing at 20? Yikes! haha -so much to look forward to.

And yet another chapter is closed.

Sometimes we just have to move on. Even if we don't understand why it ever happened, what it is, what it was, where it's going, or where it might have gone.



And trust the Father's goodness. Not just His goodness...but His goodness for us.



I think I'll read a C.S. Lewis book tonight, I do so love his writings.


I miss my family terribly and am anxiously awaiting Thanksgiving.

behind my every wall

{the truth is...when I'm not with you...I miss you}.


you see behind my every wall.

how do you do it? how do you understand me so well?

it's just there...i understand you...and you understand me.

sometimes it terrifies me.

more than anything it terrifies me to think of losing this...whatever this is...

...and looking back on what could have been.

.
.

i'm afraid you'll see my ugly side.

i'm afraid of never being enough.

but despite all fears...I desperately hope.

in between the moon and where you are

I'm shoved in your cave, to wage this rage
Don't let me go
A kick and a scream is all that seems
To mean a lot thus far
I won't let you on my stage, my page
You can't know
Yet you have to know

So calm... and now it's dark
I look for you to light my heart
I'm in between the moon and where you are
I know... I can't be far

{ugly side: blue october}

incomplete

There lies in store a hope that surpasses even my greatest dreams.

Yet, all I want are my desires of the here and now fulfilled.

There is a God of whose majesty, I in my finite mind cannot comprehend.

Yet, I fail to trust Him, I fail to love Him, I fail to acknowledge Him.

There is a deep, soul penetrating love that can fill the smallest corners of my empty heart.

Yet, I turn to crave the hollowness of human love.

contradiction.

frustration.

Just out of reach

"A woman who is full of tender mercy and soft vulnerability is a powerful, lovely woman." (Captivating)


I know the woman I want to be. I know what my dreams are.


They only seem so far away...I don't quite know how to reach them...I haven't found the things I need to give up...or perhaps I have and am denying what I know to be true.


And I can hear Him. He's calling me...


But again...I just can't quite get to Him.
.
.
.

I am P.U.S.H ing...."Praying Until Something Happens" ...because that's all I know to do right now.

know that I'm yours to keep

While I'm off chasing my own dreams
Sailing around the world
Please know that I'm yours to keep
.........................................................................................................................................................................

Summer is here. Suddenly I am overwhelmed with the freedom of time, I miss my scheduled and hurried days. I have many dreams for this summer...I call them my "sandcastle dreams". walks. fresh fruit. summer tan. poolside days. China. anthropologie dresses. late conversations with sisters. laughing till tears. camping. family. new realizations. devoted time. hope.

.........................................................................................................................................................................
I know that if I lived my whole life with only you, I would be completely satisfied.

Jesus, more than my provider, my very sustainer.

you alone give my dreams meaning.