Monday, December 28, 2009

control.

So my little sister and I had a heart-to-heart conversation the other night. And in a very tactful and gentle way she told me that she thinks I have a problem with being over controlling. I was sort of struck. Yes, Grace, you have faults. Ha. But in all seriousness, I guess I never realized that struggling to be in control of everything in my life could be the root problem of so many things. It can be oppressive in other people's lives that I am a part of, and frankly, downright suffocating. I think my sister was able to see clearly something I was pretty blind to. She began to take the issues I had shared with her and show me how each of those things had been, and was being, affected by my desire for control. It was pretty humbling, to say the least. But at the same time...pretty awesome. She wanted to pray with me - and so there we both lay in bed, with my quilt, and she held my hand and prayed with me. How incredible is that? To have a thirteen year old sister who listens to you, pushes you, and prays with you? I feel really blessed. I also can see really clearly now some areas I have to work on. And wow, what an incredible peace I found from praying and saying, "God I trust you with the outcome of these things...and I release my grip of control." It's exciting, an adventure...and everything may not turn out as I would like it to...but at least I can be confident in saying it turned out the way God intended it to because I gave it over to Him and didn't try to get in the way. He is good to me and slowly He's taking my conceited, shallow heart and claiming it as His.


It seems quite elementary, and yet such a basic thing can be so quickly overlooked.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

can't quit it.

"Some people fight for love. They stick with it, just can't quit it."

I want to be someone who fights for love...in relationships...in caring for my family...for the homeless person on the street...

Friday, December 25, 2009


"The beauty of His will in place of the ashes of my dreams."

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

m.f.e.o.


I had never seen Sleepless in Seattle before, so I rented it, and watched it with my sisters. - And of course, I loved it.

Sunday, December 20, 2009


I want to be an independent, responsible...adult...but I'm not very good at it.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Ted.

I love my quilt. It goes everywhere with me. (The boys named it Ted for me...why?...who knows...jealous probably.) It was with me when summer ended and life was changing, it went with me to Ireland - perfect for star-gazing nights and quiet mornings by the lake. It kept me warm on the long flight home, it has been with me through sadness and joy, through thick and thin...and even though it's just some tattered scraps sewn together...I find so much comfort and safety in it's familiarity.

Tomorrow I go home. More change...here I come.


Sidenote: I haven't been able to stop listening to "Galway Girl".

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

live.

"Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air."

{Ralph Waldo Emerson}

Monday, December 14, 2009

I feel the need for You.



I know I need You
I need to love You
I love to see You, but it's been so long
I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
And I need to hear You, is that so wrong?

Now You pull me near You
When we're close, I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell You, all that I've done
Are You done forgiving?
Oh can You look past my pretending?
Lord, I'm so tired of defending, what I've become
What have I become?

I hear You say,
"My love is over. It's underneath.
It's inside. It's in between.
The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel.
The times that you question, 'Is this for real? '
The times you're broken.
The times that you mend.
The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend.
Well, My love is over, it's underneath.
It's inside, it's in between.
These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks.
The times that you feel like you're falling from grace..."

{Tenth Avenue North :: Times}

Listen Here.


John 7:38 "Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him."

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Saturday, December 12, 2009

hunger for permanence.

Lately I have found myself longing for permanence in relationships. I struggle to invest time if I know someone isn't going to be friends with me for more than a season. Is it just a female trait, to hunger for intimate life-long friendships (The Philia friendship C.S. Lewis describes so well)? This desire for permanence doesn't just pertain to relationships either, it's felt with situations and experiences as well. It's this feeling of yearning for the fireworks to never fade, Christmas to never end, laughter to overtake the sobs, and beautiful memories to never reach the point of becoming a memory.

I have so much fear wrapped up in thoughts of losing close friendships I have with people that I love. I look at experiences past and see failed friendships and I begin projecting that same disappointment onto my current relationships as if it's inevitable. Time can often separate people, as can changes in situations. (Ireland). I feel as though I am in a battle, straining against all sorts of obstacles...pulling and struggling to hold onto my relationships and hold onto intimacy - while slowly all sense of control is slipping out from underneath my feet, like sand.

It's when I come to this point of utter helplessness that I finally give into the only hope I have, and that is the reassurance, that all of my amazing friendships that have lasted until this point have lasted not because of convenience, or situations, or anything of my own doing, but only as has been confirmed time and time again, by God's purposeful planning. So in prayer I lift up to Him all of my worries, concerns and anxiety and daily renew my trust that He will continue loving me by surrounding me with the people I need most.

And with the incredible experiences that come to an end, I hold tightly to the truth in C.S. Lewis' words - "If I discover within myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."

Thursday, December 10, 2009


I like this little guy. :)

It's been so great to catch up with friends. God cares for me a lot...and He's making that really obvious to me this week.

Thank you.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." {Philippians 4:6-7}

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

coming back.


This is hard...harder than I thought it would be.

"The books or the music in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust to them; it was not in them, it only came through them,and what came through them was longing. These things—the beauty, the memory of our own past—are good images of what we really desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself they turn into dumb idols,breaking the hearts of their worshippers. For they are not the thing itself; they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never yet visited." {C.S. Lewis}

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Ireland.

How do I begin to put words to my feelings? Words don't exist to describe how amazing this time in my life has been. Part of my heart will break leaving Ireland...and my Finaghy Family has become so dear to me. Goodbyes always hurt. But...only from having loved, and been loved.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

{ }


"The invariable mark of wisdom is to see the miraculous in the common." {Ralph Waldo Emerson}

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

pink birthday candles.


It's finals week. I am swamped.

I have a confession. Guilty pleasure...Black Eyed Peas, "Meet Me Halfway".

Anyone who knows me knows my music taste is interesting. :) But I don't care.

Yesterday I had a wonderful birthday. We dressed up and ate at the "oh so posh" Villa Italia...good friends...good food. Then we came back and I had the most beautiful birthday cake! It was two tiers, tiffany blue, with pink roses and pretty tea light candles around it. Oh man. Gorgeous. THEN we had a phenomenal dance party. Oh yes. We did swing dancing, we waltzed, we did the electric slide, you name it...we did it. It got a little crazy after about three hours of non-stop dancing...but I loved it. It was a time for us all to forget about school and party hard. So far being twenty-one is a lot of fun. :) I've got a feeling it's going to be a great year.