packing list

Practical is something I've never aspired to be.

http://www.explodingdog.com/

{receive.}

"If you are avoiding the call of the religious thinking of today’s world, and instead are "looking unto Jesus" (Hebrews 12:2), setting your heart on what He wants, and thinking His thoughts, you will be considered impractical and a daydreamer." {Oswald Chambers}

My dreams are not too big for God. That is what He has shown me this week.

God astounds me. He really does. I now officially have plans for the year ahead, as a girl who likes to think of herself as a traveling gypsy of sorts...Waitakere, New Zealand sounds like a magical place to call home. This job came completely out of the blue, I never thought it would happen- and to think God is taking me to the country I've been dying to go to! It all seems too good to be true. This is how amazing He is...

-Plane ticket paid.
-Passport fees & all other traveling expenses, paid.
-A little partially furnished house all of my own.
-FOUR WEEKS PAID VACATION & paid holidays!
-Cheap rent & free food (though the house will have a kitchen if I want to cook)
-The opportunity to be trained in things I've been wanting to learn & be skilled at - rock climbing, kayaking, etc.
-A car if I need it, but cars are apparently extremely cheap in NZ (who knew!)
-Amazing Christian people to work with & learn from
-Because of my Australian citizenship I don't need any kind of work visa, I can just go!
-I will be close to my aunt's parents (aunt by marriage) & also hopefully be able to visit my grandparents in Australia on holidays.
-Did I mention it's in a beautiful country and only 20 minutes from Auckland?! Beaches, beaches, beaches.

Oh wow. He's just amazing. All those times of doubting...here He is showing me again His extravagant love.

I've been thinking about something all week. There's a man who works at Wal-mart, and I always seem to find myself in the check-out lane he works in. He's a cheerful older man who never fails to make me smile. He always claims he is "Fantastic, just fantastic!" when you ask him how he is, and before you leave he says "May Jesus bless you today." The other day I was with a friend and we were checking out groceries so we could cook together, and once again I ended up in his lane. As I was going to pay for the groceries my friend insisted that she help out with the cost. I refused, but she persisted until I finally agreed. The cashier watched us and spoke up, saying to me - "Receive the blessing, see she wants to bless you, you need to just accept it with joy." I realized that not only was he right, but what he was saying was about so much more than just groceries. How often do people speak words of truth to me and I dismiss them without thought? How often does God bless me and I don't even recognize it as a blessing but dismiss it as merely "coincidence". I have been so challenged by this dear man who is working a not-so-glamorous job, in a tough environment and yet exudes joy and impacts the people he meets. A beautiful heart.

God wants us to feel loved, He wants us to live as the beloved. He delights in us.

{I never know what to say anymore.}

I can't seem to write. I don't know what has happened. Lines of blank pages, the words have all left. I keep pulling out my moleskine only to sit and stare at it before putting it away again.

I need to write, I can't think if I don't.

{better believe I'm fearless.}

Fearless - Colbie Caillat

{teach me your heart}

"Our heart is not just an organ inside our chest, our heart is made up of the things we give ourselves to."

Emotion, what is it?

Emotion :: 1. strong feeling; excitement 2. a state of consciousness having to do with the arousal of feelings, distinguished from other mental states, as cognition, volition, and awareness of physical sensation 3. any specific feeling; any of various complex reactions with both mental and physical manifestations, as love, hate, fear, anger, etc.

Can an emotionless person, be a passionate person?

What is passion?

Passion :: 1.any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.
2. a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything. 3. an outburst of strong emotion or feeling.

Conclusion - one cannot have passion without emotion.

What do we see of emotion in the Bible?
Hannah - asking a son - 1 Sam 1:16-17 "Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief." Eli answered, "Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him." (God does not despise her for her emotion)

David's conversations with God - Psalms 118:5-6 "In my anguish I cried to the Lord, and he answered by setting me free. The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" (The whole book is raw humanity & emotions)

Jesus, when he prayed in Gethsemane - Luke 22:43-44 "An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground." (deep emotions)

Rom 12:15 "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." (command to feel emotion)

Galatians 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law."

Galatians 5:16-24 "But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions..."

Proverbs 16:32 "Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city."

Proverbs 29:11 "A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back."

.

I have often been told that I am emotional person. My response is generally, "What woman isn't?" But as of late, God has been bringing to my attention how much quicker I am to trust my emotions, than to trust Him. I began to wonder whether or not emotions are bad...should I try to become a more unfeeling person? I know it is possible, I have just never desired to try. Should I give up my passion and strong feelings for things to be more balanced, and "stable". That seems so boring. But are my emotions destructive? I know they have been, oh yes...they definitely have been. Where is the balance? Do I have to give up a part of myself?

In reading verses and seeking to understand the character of God...these are my incomplete thoughts. Incomplete because I am open to correction and am still in the process of studying.

First, I believe God created emotions, not that they are a result of sin. Because we are created in the image, and likeness of God...I also believe that God has emotions. We see this best in Him becoming human for us. Jesus weeps, Jesus gets angry, He is hungry, He is tired, He loves deeply...He cries till His tears are blood. Yet, at the same time we are told by Him to keep a tight rein on our fleshly desires and to be led by the Spirit not our every whim and feeling. (Light bulb moment) Yes, God is an emotional God, yes emotions are good - even beautiful...but there must be discernment in knowing what to do with emotions, and what actions are appropriate. Where do I even begin with this? It all seems insurmountable. I think it begins with letting the Holy Spirit taking more and more control.(Maybe this is an obvious fact to most, but be patient with me, I'm learning!) His voice becoming louder than that of my internal, carnal spirit. Emotions will still remain, coming from my soul...but they will be emotions sifted through the Holy Spirit. I don't have to be a less passionate person - in fact, I should be more passionate! - Just passion driven by the right emotions. With the power of the Holy Spirit I can better handle my emotions and with sharp listening keep my emotions from being destructive. Negative emotions can be fought and conquered with the truth. The truth will only become louder if I spend more time in it and watching out for it. And the truth will only set me free if I choose to believe it.

Ultimately when my emotions are keeping me from trusting God, they are wrong. The roots have to be examined - the source of the emotion. If fear is present, then where is there room for love, or trust? If dissatisfaction is the root, then where is there room for thankfulness or hope? And how often am I hurting others in my life by being emotionally sick? How can I love when my insides are rotting? Action - daily surrender. Daily absorption in truth. Me...I should only be an expression of God. Grace, born in November of 1988 to two loving parents...Grace a girl who loves fairy tales and flowers...Grace who is full of imperfections and weaknesses...she is alive to bring Jesus to other people. To show some small facet, some small piece of Him to others. See, it is when I get caught up in myself and my own strivings that His image becomes a little more blurred, the sparkle of His presence begins to dim...

The beautiful thing is that when we find Him, we will find who we really are. But we will never find Him, until we don't care at all about who we are and we let go of ourselves.

Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

I am in the process of becoming. Jesus, help me desire you.

odd.

Blue M&M's are my favorite, they taste better.
I can't stand the taste of alcohol but I've been trying to.
I lose my keys probably three times daily, and almost am never on time.
A favorite childhood pastime of mine was to lay upside down and pretend that was the way the world was.
I never knew where Arkansas was till I had to look it up on the map for college.
I'm 21 years old, and I'm still afraid of the dark.
I look forward to blogging like it's Christmas...okay...not really, but sort of.
I have never owned a car.
My jaw often pops while I'm eating, it bothers some people, I no longer notice.
I refuse to date a guy who cannot spell.
I'm self-conscious about my feet.
I have a low pain tolerance.
Sometimes I take full advantage of being a blonde.
I'm allergic to poppy seeds, my mouth burns like it's on fire.
I faked my way through Web Design.
When I was twelve I conducted a funeral ceremony for a baby bird, we sang - "I'll Fly Away."
I only pretend I'm brave and daring.
My ultimate wish for a future last name, is "Mrs. Darling".
Goldfish die in my care.
I make killer apple pie.
I STILL like Telephone by Lady Gaga.
I hate hiking, I only wanted to like it.
Along with this blog, I also maintain another blog unknown to anyone.
Knowing people's personality test results makes me excited.
I was once engaged for a week, but only as a prank.
I over analyze, EVERYTHING.
I still believe love conquers all.


I am completely finished with trying to be something for everyone else.

I'm sorry that I forgot You are good.

And that You were good yesterday.

That You are good today.

And that You will be good tomorrow.

I'm not the same anymore.
But it doesn't matter.
We will always be judged by who we were.
And the wreckage left behind us.
Will be only left as that.

I spent my first day of Spring Break really, really sick. At least I have a cat and books to keep me company. :/

robbed.

Today, my counselor - (yes, I see a counselor...so judge me) - said to me...

"Grace, let yourself be angry."

Simple words. I so desperately needed to hear.

Anger isn't a sin, it's an emotion.

Derick Bingham.
One of the most influential professors I have ever had.

I have been putting off this post, because I am not sure I can adequately describe to you Derick's presence in my life, without my words sounding trite and empty. However, I want to make an attempt, because I have found my heart filling with thoughts and feelings which will soon erupt if I don't express them in some way.

Derick was one of the first people to believe in my writing, and that will always mean the world to me. In his literature class I learned to love words. He taught us to "dig" with our pens and write with our hearts. We were given 2,000 word essays to complete in an hour, and I was crazy about them. We read all sorts of Irish short stories, full, vibrant poems, and even acted out "Dancing at Lughnasa" in our tiny living room at Lakeside. The words always came to life...we could taste the ripe blackberries in Seamus Heaney's poem, and our eyes watered at the death of the grocer in Oranges from Spain. Through each story and poem, we learned more about life. Derick taught us to sift through the words to find truth. More than caring about our academic performance, Derick was most interested in the condition of our hearts.

Class was a relaxed affair, him telling story after story from the stuffed chair and us gathered around hanging on to each word. Irish mornings were perfect for reading. He would often stay for lunch, wanting to spend more time with us and talk more about life. I would make him coffee in hopes to stretch the time out longer. I miss his gentle voice, and the excited way he would tell us of some new discovery of God working.

One of the first assignments he gave us was to write a poem about the incarnation, his face beamed when he talked about God's mysterious ways. He so desperately wanted us to understand that we can never know how great an impact some of our smallest actions may have. One word, one extension of grace, one gift of forgiveness could change someone's life. He taught us that it is not in the grand, or the lavish, but in the simple and ordinary of every day where depth of life is most often found.

Derick dreamed big, and he dreamed for us. He told me to write books...and I know he believed that I could. He lived out the things he taught us. The encouragement he wanted us to be - he was. The knowledge of that "life beyond the wardrobe" he wanted us to have - he glowed with. In his quiet ways, he instilled in us a desperate fervor for God.

Derick also made us all C.S. Lewis fanatics, and one of my favorite quotes he would recite is from Lewis’ book The Last Battle the quote is in reference to death, "The term is over: the holidays have begun. The dream is ended: this is the morning."

That is what I think of when I think of heaven, and that is the beautiful joy I know Derick experiences now. Somehow I think he can still see us here, and I think he is cheering us on, just as he always did.

Thank you, Derick.

"She liked you boy." The intensity of his voice and eyes made me blink.
"Yes," I said.
"She did it for you, you know."
"What?"
"Gave up her self, for a while there. She loved you that much. What an incredibly lucky kid you were."
I could not look at him. "I know."
He shook his head with a wistful sadness. "No, you don't. You can't know yet. Maybe someday..."

{Stargirl, Jerry Spinelli)

stargirl.

"And I think every once in a while someone comes along who is a little more primitive than the rest of us, a little closer to our beginnings, a little more in touch with the stuff we're made of.

For years the strangers among us had passed sullenly through the hallways; now we looked, we nodded, we smiled. If someone got an A, others celebrated, too. If someone sprained an ankle, others felt the pain. We discovered the color of each other's eyes.

We did not know what to make of her. In our minds we tried to pin her to a corkboard like a butterfly, but the pin merely went through and away she flew.

She was bendable light: she shone around every corner of my day. She taught me to revel. She taught me to wonder. She taught me to laugh...She saw things...What she saw, she felt. Her eyes went straight to her heart." {Excerpts from Stargirl}

Some goodbyes, will be the real kind.

In 8 weeks everything I've known for last 4 years of my life is going to change.

I will be a "real" adult...ready...or not.

I will (hopefully) be living in a place all my own.

I will have a car.

I will have to find a new church to join.

I will have to cook for myself & go grocery shopping weekly.

I will work every day to support myself.

I will begin to realize which friends are going to be in my life permanently, and realistically (though heartbreakingly so) there are probably some I'll never see again or be as close to anymore.

Facing these changes is really, really tough. I have never felt as settled as I do here, and with my parents moving mid-college, this has been my home. It's hard to put on a tough face and set out completely alone...I know I have God, and my parents are always there for support...but for the most part, it's just me and that big crazy world out there. And friendships. That's the toughest part. For now I am in a thriving community, constantly surrounded by the people I love...but it can't stay this way forever. I know what's meant to will last, I know intentionality is important, but I also know for some people, this will be a real goodbye.

A lot of times I just want to curl up in a ball and plead that I'm still a little girl and I need someone else to be strong for me. Growing up I've found, hurts a lot. Change hasn't been a foreign thing this past year, and it would be nice to just say, "Stop! Enough with it all already."

But, even though this isn't easy, God has promised to be permanent. Throughout the days He whispers that I am His Beloved and He calls me to come closer. And when I find Him, time stands still, my soul begins to breathe easier, and the only thing I hear Him ask of me, is that I delight in Him.

save yourself instead

what would you do if i'm not what i'm supposed to be, because i'm not.

i pull the pin off the grenade & toss it gently in the middle. Honey let's not kid ourselves, that's the devil with his fiddle. He's playing our song again, & it's starting to rub off. I clench my teeth to pass the pain, but my jaw is turning soft. This eagles eye view is killing it all for me. You've got full access to the heart, but all you do is break the key. You might be model, but are you willing to play your role. Buried deep inside that bottle is a window to the soul. & you have to tell me what it is that's so amazing. From the outside looking in it doesn't seem worth saving. You plea for bargains, mercy, grace, & all the rest, but i can't seem to give it to you, with this boulder on my chest. & i want it gone, but you won't take it anymore. Here's another string of words i've saved from the killing floor.

what would you think if i sang out of tune, would you stand up & walk out on me? What would you do if i'm not what i'm supposed to be? Lend me your ears & i'll sing you a song, & i'll try not to sing out of key. What would you do if i'm not what i'm not what i’m supposed to be?

stress & life get packaged like forks & knives. One for destroying & another for stabbing insight. Just a few more miles with this plastic carrot in sight. I'm tired of pulling you suckers, but i'll do my job tonight. I stretch these old bones & take a good look at my reflection, but i can't see anything that's really worth a mention. Oh, there i am just a speck at the bottom, or more like a stain waiting to be forgotten. I'm an empty carcass, a hopeless case with a broken lock, but i'll be alright my skins thick like a wet blanket full of rocks. This is me, a reality, a skinless mess trying to hold it all together. Please don't let me be your goal, i'm a rusty car without leather. No sunroof, no fancy engine, & no cd. I'm all hubcaps, am/fm, & it costs extra if it's free . I will point at you, i will put you down. I will disappoint you every time i make these sounds. So leave now, forget me, save yourself instead. You are nothing. Love, the voice inside my head.

{The Listener Project}

necessary.

I think there are times in your life
when you should do stupid, irrational, crazy things.

Sometimes I'm just not very strong.

9 Crimes - Damien Rice

I don't know if I will always feel broken.
In this moment I only know that I will let my fingertips reach for the sky and I will hear my heart scream...
Here I am, all of me.

Take My Life - Chris Tomlin

reclaiming our chosenness

I have had quite a few people pushing me to read Henri Nouwen's book, Life of the Beloved. I decided there must be a reason I should read the book, so I quickly got a hold of a copy. I read three pages of the first chapter and I cried. Truth has a way of finding the deepest parts of our hearts.

Here are some excerpts I want to share, I'm sure I will share more as I continue reading...the book is a goldmine.

"The real trap...is self-rejection. I am constantly surprised at how quickly I give in to this temptation. As soon as someone accuses me or criticizes me, as soon as I am rejected, left alone, or abandoned, I find myself thinking: 'Well, that proves once again that I am a nobody.' Instead of taking a critical look at the circumstances or trying to understand my own and others' limitations, I tend to blame myself - not just for what I did, but for who I am."

"Don't you often hope: 'May this book, idea, course, trip, job, country, or relationship fulfill my deepest desire?' But as long as you are waiting for that mysterious moment you will go on running helter-skelter, always anxious and restless, always lustful and angry, never fully satisfied."

"Every time you listen with great attentiveness to the voice that calls you the Beloved, you will discover within yourself a desire to hear that voice longer and more deeply. It is like discovering a well in the desert. Once you have touched wet ground, you want to dig deeper."

I think I have begun to touch the surface of that well. This whole week I have been completely overwhelmed with joy, for no real apparent reason. There is a deep peace that has settled into my heart, when I try to express it verbally to others I only find myself fumbling for words. God. That's the only word I have. Knowing him, and desperately wanting more and more of him.

I think he's been teaching me to live as the Beloved, just simply that. I couldn't really put a finger on it before, but reading Nouwen's well-written thoughts is beginning to help me put words to the time of changing I feel inside. I can't wait to read more.

Dear Jesus,

I would really like a job.
It would be exceptionally wonderful if my job included writing lovely words, creating beautiful things, learning...learning...learning, and making a difference in people's lives.

Love, Me

hope is an absolutely ridiculous thing.

See, this is where He brings me. He takes all the pieces of me and there I am before Him. He shakes my heart till I find myself on my knees. Instead of worry, instead of pain, instead of anger...the only thing left is praise. The strength hits me full force and all I want to do is scream it at the top of my lungs. He cares. He really cares.

thank you.

Today was the best day ever. It wasn't because of one big event, it was just lots of little things that continued happening. I don't think I stopped smiling all day.

1. I started the day off by praying with the president. (How awesome that we go to a school where we can do that!) Such an incredibly encouraging time of conversation. He wants to get together again in 6 weeks to have lunch and talk some more. I can't wait.

2. Had a great lunch with friends. So good.

3. I finished all my homework for the day before 1:00, AND was able to find time to reply to the e-mails piling up and the small errands needing to be done.

4. Had another great meeting with the campus pastor, who I assist in teaching a class with. Drank Nambarrie with him and talked about God...seriously, what could be better?

5. Had a third meeting with an English professor I admire greatly and came up with a great plan for my final project, and was able to talk to him about some thoughts I've been having about pursuing teaching...which leads to me saying that I am very seriously considering getting my MFA in Creative Writing to be a professor...I've begun the researching process.

6. I also made two new friends today! Really cool people that I hope to see again.

7. I got to spend the afternoon with Alison watching the Bachelor (guilty pleasure) and baking amazing blueberry & lemon scones.

8. I turned in my first completed drawing for Figure Drawing 2 (A class I'm struggling to get through) and actually received some encouragement and good remarks on it.

9. Got a really nice letter in the mail.

10. Returned once again to being blonde, which just makes me feel like myself again.

11. Had some quality time with my roomie who I barely see because of my insane life. AND with her discovered the wonder of Samoa (my favorite Girl Scout cookie) ice-cream - which, to top it all off...is low-fat. Yes, that really made me happy.

I think when I begin to get cynical and doubt God's goodness He likes to prove me wrong. Yesterday during the Gathering all I could say to God was, "I want more, I want more, I want more of you." Waking up this morning, tired and emotionally drained I talked to God while brushing my teeth and I said, "God...I know you are good...but today I just need to see that. I know that you love me...but today I just need you to show me." And wow...did He ever.