Monday, December 31, 2007

embracing pain

Winter break has been such a time of reflection. I left school running away from some problems...hoping to come home and find healing in the solitude and time away. I have learned so much, and I continue to ponder so much in my heart. I realized that I want to love people and keep my heart vulnerable being aware of the possibility of getting hurt...and when that hurt comes I want to accept it, not hide from, not harden heart from it...but let Jesus love me through it. A woman's heart was made to love deeply and vulnerably...God made our hearts to reflect a very special part of Him. Too often we say "it's not fair!" and we get bitter and close up when we are disappointed or hurt...and that is exactly what Satan wants. When our hearts become cold and unfeeling...we stop reflecting the heart of God. It's hard...but our energy and capacity to love must come from Jesus...our knight, our rescuer, our lover...the One who loves us more than anyone ever will, or ever could. He will give us the strength to leave behind our pity parties and love again...and He will be the love for us when we can't even love ourselves. These words seem repetitive...but they are becoming so real to me.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

iDesign

I got my first real design job today. It was kind of scary...but super exciting. There's a huge amount of responsibility. I am praying that through all of my design work God would work through me and be my inspiration, as He himself is the greatest of designers. I trust that God has gifted me and I trust that He gave me a love for art and design for a reason. That is why I have the confidence I do as I begin my first job.

I am a bit overwhelmed today, but I will be fine. I am praying for self-control...I need to make some changes in my life...and it's easy to think about those changes, hard to follow through.


Jesus, your name is like honey on my lips, your Spirit like water to my soul.

Monday, October 8, 2007

protect me

My emotions confuse me...take me on whirlwind rides...up to ferris wheel heights...round and round as a spinning carousel. I find my solace in prayer. Seeking the good of others, praying earnestly for things that will hurt my heart (hopefully momentarily). Trying so hard to abandon self. Love and trust comes with a price. Chances. Sacrifice. Fear, never too far behind.

I hope.

I wait.

I trust.

I continue learning love.

Jesus be my sustainer. My life-giver, protector of my heart. [which forges on despite sheer frailty]



Keisha may think she has an audience of one...but my audience of zero may top hers. However, my writings require no audience.

Friday, October 5, 2007

resolved

A day of resolutions.

Guarding my tongue...watching my thoughts.

I want to become all God wants me to be as a woman.

Instead of looking ahead I want to be free from worries and enjoy today as today is.

He is so faithful...so compassionate.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

pumpkin spice lattes and chilly air

Autumn is my favourite time of year.

Crispy leaves, fiery colours, warm smells, burrowing creatures, snow-smelling air...perfect days.

Thank you Jesus for these days.

Friday, July 6, 2007

underserving...I guess that why they me grace

When did I fall out of love with Jesus?


What am I doing?

I get so caught up in the things that have no worth. I get SO hung up on the lies. The deceitful pleasures that only rob me of my joy.

Vanity.

Pride.

It all fades away....


Only the word of the Lord endures forever.


Oh Jesus this forgiveness I don't deserve.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

For the wunderbaar life

Today was such a sloooow day.

I feel like I count every second that goes by at work. As I was shelving shoes today I thought about how much I wanted to delete my facebook again. I get these sudden urges to do drastic things sometimes. I think it is because I am desperate for attention and desperate for change.
I hate the mundane life. Passionately hate. And yet I have to live it quite a lot...and really I suppose I choose it against my own wishes. I despise the fact that I am so far from who I want to be...I know exactly what I want my life to look like and yet it is so far from that...my actions are separated from my heart...and it is a tragedy. I don't want to be the kind of person that lives in the "one day..." world. I want to do the things I know I want to do even if they are hard at first. Good luck...I can hear my pessimistic self saying that now. I always choose defeat before I consider success.

This morning I called an Amish man to ask about spending a day with an Amish family, but he wasn't home. I am pretty excited though...he should be calling back in the next few days, he had a funeral and a wedding to go to. I think he must be a head elder. Anyway...that will be such a wunderbaar (that is my Amish word practice :) ) adventure.

To my dishes I must go now...goodbye dreamy heart and faraway callings...

Jesus still this heart of insecurity...love this heart of loneliness...and most of all...please come find me.


P.S. Thanks Keisha for the motivation to keep this updated.

Thursday, May 31, 2007

so cold

My heart has grown so cold

I've let the darkness in

I've said You are everything

But still You weren't enough

I've not been true to You

My life has hurt you, Lord

I'm running back into the safety of Your hand

I wanna be free in Jesus

I wanna be satisfied in You and You alone

Take this heart

Take my life

Pull me close

Satisfy

My heart has heard Your call

But I have closed my ears

I've said I would follow You

But still I've chased the wind

I've stretched my hand toward You

While holding to this world

But now I'm letting go

And reaching out to You

I wanna be free, Jesus

I wanna be satisfied in You and You alone

Take this heart

Take my life

Pull me close

I want to be free, Jesus

I want to be satisfied in You and You alone

Take this heart

Take my life

Hold me close

Satisfy



I'm letting go

I'm letting go, Jesus

Cause I wanna be free


(Satisfy:Jeff Deyo)


Thursday, May 17, 2007

hope and wait

I am tired of waiting.

Tired of this intense longing that finds me in my weakness and haunts.

They say one day it comes, and yet I see so few who have it.

To be called beloved. Sounds so trivial today. So run over and demolished. So tainted.

Helplessly I watch and wait, stranded in an ocean of uncertainty and loneliness, hoping for the light to find my boat. I cannot do anything, why? To do so would be distrust, or even detriment. I could lose all chance of the light finding me if I paddle on my own. I must be patient. I must wait. I must trust that my Lifegiver has a plan of providence.

A sigh escapes my lips. So many things I wish to change. Will I ever find satisfaction? Am I sinning to say I want change?

Lord, Father of life, nobody knows me like you do. Nobody does or ever will satisfy me like you do. Through my dissatisfaction you remain faithful.


How I can forget so great a love?

snow day

Today it snowed. It was incredible. I don't think I have ever seen snow on May 17th. I jumped out of bed and took the dogs for a walk to enjoy it before it melted!

I have been thinking seriously about transferring lately. It's not that I am totally dissatisfied with my current school, it's just that it is mediocre. I hate settling for less. when I know I could have more. Maybe this is a character flaw, I'm not sure. One of my main reasons for thinking about transferring is so that I could be more involved in art, as with my scholarships I am currently restricted. I would miss some very good friends that I have made, but I feel like I need to find a better fit. I need a school where I can be everything I am supposed to be, a school I can thrive at. I don't feel like that is happening now. I feel like I make the most of my situation, and I do for the most part enjoy my time. But there is so much more that I want and so much more adventure that I dream of.


Should I take what I have and try to be content? Or should I explore my possibilities?

With each choice comes risk.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

sachet of roses

I love writing, so my first post comes easily.

I am loving being home. I feel at peace, and as though everything is right with the world.
Perhaps it is the lack of responsibility that comes with independence that I am enjoying.
Although independence is sweet I wish for it in moderation, at least, for the time being.
Home gives me time to refresh and realign my priorities.

I began my summer employment today. I will be working in a small retail store. I am so thankful for a God who blesses the undeserving.

Being home has also given me lots of time for thought. Why am I in college? What do I hope to achieve there? And better yet, what do I hope to achieve in my lifetime? I have so many swirled dreams and ideas jumbled together I only pray they will make sense one day.

I dream of children, and flowers. I dream of finding true love, and never losing it. I dream of dancing in fields and laughing. I dream of a home, and finding the lost. I dream of a legacy, and a song of praise that never ends.

My dreams are as unique to me as my purpose from the One who made me.

Pride & Prejudice