Sunday, February 28, 2010


"Oh tell me now, where was my fault...in loving you with my whole heart?"

{Mumford & Sons- White Blank Sheet, Thanks Kate.}

The dates are fun. They really are. I had forgotten how nice it is to be treated like a princess for an evening. It's just that, I don't have a heart anymore.

I have lost truth somewhere in the assortment of mismatched puzzle pieces I hold in my hands. What seemed to be, was not. The fear isn't of loving again, the fear is that such a thing doesn't even exist. It's like the day your parents tell you Santa Claus isn't real. The charade falls away and there you see the ugly truth staring you in the face. Wishing things were what you had believed them to be won't change a thing. Neither will rage.

Was I a fool? No. I was young.

You don't grow up once you reach a certain age, you grow up the day you are no longer innocent. You grow up the day you fall in love.

Is it anyone's fault, besides my own? Of course not. It was just one decision made at a time.

Saturday, February 27, 2010


You can take away all your words, there's no meaning anymore.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

coco chanel mademoiselle.

I can hardly contain my excitement. I finally...(and when I say finally, I mean it's taken me a year to commit)...bought my favorite perfume, Coco Chanel Mademoiselle. I could never justify the cost before, but my uncle (so kindly and generously) sent us all money and told us to spend it on something we wanted...I do so love guilt-free shopping. I've decided to make it my new signature scent. I love how classy and refined it is, and the history of Gabrielle Coco Chanel is simply fascinating. Plus, Keira Knightley (who I adore) is the ad campaign model. Okay, I'm done now. And yes, I think it is perfectly okay to get excited about new perfume. :)

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

In your eyes, I see your soul.


Wash it all away, I want it to be only You they see.

I know her - and I know everything she is not. I know the damage she can cause.

There is no good that stands alone, the only good is Him.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." {1 Corinthians 13: 4-7}

Keeps no record of wrongs. Guilty.

Once again I give in to a "standard of fairness" not the standard of love. Why? because there is a danger that comes with keeping no record of wrong...it leaves me vulnerable.

"Guard your heart", "protect yourself at all costs" It's pounded into our heads, resounding with each decision made. And yet my stomach turns...because I yearn to believe that love is so much more than that. Self-sacrificing, isn't that what Jesus lived? Pain, again...we run. I cannot believe that apathy is better than pain.

"If what we call love doesn’t take us beyond ourselves, it is not really love. If we have the idea that love is characterized as cautious, wise, sensible, shrewd, and never taken to extremes, we have missed the true meaning." -Oswald Chambers

Love always protects. How?

Sharp words, they hurt me. Words have power. Inaccurate impressions of my heart built upon the words of listless observers, victims only of their own insecurities. Hide your insecurities, do whatever it takes...weakness has no place. Lies we no longer realize we believe. We are only pawns.

They don't even realize that you know, turn your face to take the slaps. In shame you hear your own mouth filled with vile speech, words that tumble out as tacks. What if words instead protected? What if this was how we loved? What if it was hearts we guarded, with the power of our words?

My thoughts are scattered - my actions all too often fail my intentions...

...but in me, He is so strong.

Monday, February 22, 2010

{free} spirit


“And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.” {Kahlil Gibran}

Sunday, February 21, 2010

clean room.

Today I spent five hours organizing my life again...it was really nice.

{flowers...of course}

{My favorite quilt}

{I love my bookshelf}

{Yummy smelling things, Moleskines, valentines, and a lighter...these are the things found on my shelves)


{Yes, even the closet.}

Thursday, February 18, 2010

the way to my heart...

...is through flowers. Here are a few photos from my first "official" project - I bought a mass of flowers from Wal-mart, ripped them apart and created my own bouquet (with asparagus!). I am planning on doing a series of bouquets, photographing them, and putting them on postcards for my self-promo. I am happy with my first attempt! And the best part is- I actually had fun. It was one of those "this is what I should be doing" moments...

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Dayenu.

You know what is beautiful?

Through the deepest possible pain

God is enough.

God is enough.


"My flesh and my heart may fail "...my dreams may fail, my relationships may fail, my family may fail, my hopes may fail, I will fail others..."but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." {Psalm 73:26}

When I can look at my circumstances and bear witness that God is good, that He will take care of me, that He will satisfy me, that He is my very treasure...That makes God look glorious.

God is most glorified in me when I am most satisfied in Him - in the midst of loss, not prosperity.

{Excerpts from John Piper:: Prosperity Gospel}

.
.
.

Jesus...thank you...for the pain.

Because I get to know you like this.

fish.


I think that I would like to buy another goldfish. This time though, I just might try feeding him/her fish food......instead of Cheerios.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Today was such a strange day. I had one of those dreams last night. You know, the ones that make you wish you'd never closed your eyes? I couldn't seem to shake it all day. However, the day was seemingly redeemed by good friends, mangoes, an hour in my favorite library corner, and P90X. (My legs are going to be sore tomorrow!)

Throughout the strangeness of the day, I was reflecting on how life is so completely unpredictable. I caught myself looking back at blog posts from a year ago, and old journal entries to match the date. How things have changed. The irony is almost laughable. I don't know what God wants from me right now. I've been on a forty day journey, today is the tenth day. It's been both hard and rewarding at the same time. The journey has many different specifics, maybe I can tell you more about it when I'm done.

I was thinking the other day (with graduation soon approaching the future has been on my mind a lot)...I don't really care anymore where I live, I don't really care to get married, there isn't a specific job I long to have...I just want to take care of people. Maybe it's from a selfish desire to feel needed, or maybe it's an effort to make all the crappy memories and mistakes in my life mean something...I don't know. I feel like I'm always the one being cared for...I want God to start giving me lots of opportunities to meet other people's needs. Maybe, it just requires me taking a better look around.

I found this old prayer that I really like, written by Thomas Merton -

My Lord God,
I have no idea where I am going
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself,
And the fact that I think I am following
your will does not mean that I am
actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please
you does in fact please you.
And I hope that I have that desire in all
that I am doing.
And I know that if I do this, you
will lead me by the right road
though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore will I trust you always
though I may seem to be lost
and in the shadow of death, I will
not fear, for you are ever with me
and you will never leave me
to face my perils alone.

Friday, February 12, 2010

renew.

Where did I go to? Sometimes I wonder that. My life feels so different than it did a year ago. Good things have happened, but I think I am ready to re-claim things I have given up. I am ready embrace being an artist again and be proud of it. I am ready to take things less seriously and be crazy more. I'm done worrying. I am ready to relish being young and twenty-one. My history is a part of what has made me, but does not have to be something that I live in now. I choose what to take from it. Today is brand new, and will lead to more brand new days...with so much adventure waiting. So many places to go. So many people to love. So many risks to take. So many things to learn. I'm not going to give much thought to what's behind, or what's ahead...just to today. Spending my time doing the things that make me feel most alive...the things that make my heart rage.

One of my dear friends always says, "Expect bigger things from God."

Sometimes I think we're too timid when we come to God and pray. - Tell Him what you want...what you really want, how you actually feel, and believe and trust Him for good things.

"So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!" Luke 11: 9-13


More than just helping us know God's heart, I think persistent prayer changes things. I think prayer is a whole lot more powerful than we even realize.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Tuesday, February 9, 2010


Jack Frost, his initials etched upon the glass.
A place to break, the heart's relapse.
The chill, the cold, sharp stinging skin.
Numbness, no longer only within.

Frail, fragile notes dance on the breeze.
silence broken by old ivory keys.
Black and white, no room for grey.
The mind commands, the hands obey.

Ice fairies glimmer, silver the sun.
Laughter below, the day nearly done.
Lacy ice patterns, crackle and sigh.
The beauty short-lived, they'll melt, then they'll dry.

Above all the faces, breathe in the still.
Laugh at the madness, cry at own will.
This is the place, you're allowed to feel free.
No one to tell you who you should be.

...Who you should love, what you should feel.
When you can cry, what can be real.

Let the relics be your friends.
The books with chapters, that never end.
Let the quiet, be your grace.

Trust His heart...

Let it be your soul, His fingers trace.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

suffering.

That was my paper topic for the day. Coincidental? Highly...if I believed in coincidences.

I learned as I wrote this...(it usually goes like that)...and I thought I would share my ramblings - from my heart, to yours.

Suffering, I would laugh at the irony of writing this paper at this time in my life, on this very day…but it’s more painful than funny to think about. I don’t have a definition for “suffering". I cannot place suffering into a tidy little boxed description. I don’t think I even know what God thinks about it. One of the hardest things about suffering is realizing there usually aren’t many answers, it's silence that meets your plaintive, and frequent, “why?” questions. Suffering has no rhyme or reason. Suffering doesn’t abide by any rules; it cannot be controlled by anyone or anything. We cannot prevent suffering from coming into our lives. We can try...if we completely block off our hearts. C.S. Lewis writes, "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable." That’s the choice we are faced with, when we are confronted with the harsh reality of suffering - we decide what we are going to do with it in our lives, and what we are going to let it do to us.

I haven’t experienced as much suffering as some people I know, in fact, I'm sure I have barely scraped the surface. However, I have experienced it more acutely than ever before within this past year. Sometimes it feels as though I am walking around with a gaping hole in my chest, nobody can see it, but it’s just as paralyzing as any other wound. It leaves me feeling sick, and if I give in to it - I am lost in despair, and find myself tumbling down a dark well which spirals on and on. To avoid the darkness, I try to find another alternative - and there is one. The alternative is tough; it’s the less traveled route, the route that involves straining upwards and enduring the weight of everything pushing you back down. Believing and hoping in the things you cannot see, the things you do not feel. I turn to Jesus…not because that’s my natural instinct, but because I know He’s all I have. I cannot put my hope in anything else. I have, and it doesn’t work. In desperation I cling to Him. When I cry - I read His Word through blurred eyes…when I’d rather not face life at all - I repeat His Word out loud over and over again until I believe truth again. Broken, over and over again, broken…yet somehow I know down in my soul, I know - that it is only in my brokenness that I am complete. Jesus doesn’t ever take it all away. I wish He would. I plead with Him to, and He doesn’t…but somehow His presence makes it easier. He climbs with me out of the deep, claustrophobic well of darkness …He pushes me when I want to stop, He offers a foothold when I cannot move, and He rescues me when I start sliding back down. I could try to do it alone, but I sure wouldn’t want to. I don’t know how some people do.

I don’t know if God orchestrates moments of suffering in our lives, that doesn’t seem to align with His character. Yet, I know He is always in pursuit of our hearts and in that pursuit He has to get our attention to teach us things. He wants what is best for us, that I do know. I have concluded that sometimes His best must just look a lot different from ours. In Job 34: 12 it says, “It is unthinkable that God would do wrong…” We either choose to believe in a God who is always in control, and doesn’t make mistakes, or we don’t believe in the God of the Bible. I have found Job 23 to be the most comforting chapter on suffering. Job says in verse 2, “Even today my complaint is bitter; his hand is heavy in spite of my groaning. If only I knew where to find him; if only I could go to his dwelling!” He’s basically saying, if only I could go talk to God! I want answers! I need to know why! In verses 8-10 he continues on, “But if I go to the east, he is not there; if I go the west, I do not find him. When he is at work in the north, I do not see him; when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him. But he knows the way I take; when He has tested me. I will come forth as gold.” I believe that there isn’t any suffering we endure that cannot be redeemed in some way. I believe that goodness can always come out of evil, because Jesus has the victory and we can claim His redemption as His children. That redemption is more powerful than any earthly force and cannot be defeated by any earthly circumstance. Job writes in verses 13-17, “But He stands alone, and who can oppose him? He does whatever He pleases. He carries out his decree against me; and many such plans he still has in store. That is why I am terrified before him; when I think of all this, I fear him. God has made my heart faint; the Almighty has terrified me. Yet I am not silenced by the darkness, by the thick darkness that covers my face.” Ultimately, God is in control, not us. Our lives are not about us. Yet, He loves us, He cares for us…He doesn’t have to - but He does. Instead of being surprised by the suffering and the bad things that happen in our lives, maybe we should be more surprised by goodness and mercy. Again, another favorite C.S. Lewis quote of mine is this- "We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." Life is hard, really, really hard sometimes. Knowing that good will ultimately come from pain doesn’t make it feel any better. It still hurts, hurts in ways we cannot even describe. We shouldn’t stuff our pain, we need to allow ourselves to feel it…sometimes it really is okay to sit with your head in the corner of a bathroom stall and sob until you’re hoarse and your eyes are swollen. It’s okay, as long as we don’t stay there…as long as we crawl back out of that corner and resolve to cling to hope. We all hurt differently, just as we are created to be unique individuals, so our pain is unique to us. We really can never fully comprehend someone else's pain. We can only be there to feel with them, and to love them with Jesus. We are a bunch of broken people walking around who cannot fix each other. I cannot take away pain from others - though I wish I could…and no one can completely cure my suffering either. Again, I come to the realization that my only hope is God, the only course of action leading to life - obedience. And I know that I would rather live my life with hope in Him - with the chance of finding out it’s all a lie, then to give in to despair and live every day in darkness.

Take my heart and paint your love. Paint your love across the sky. This pain, a canvas for your hope and grace.

Monday, February 1, 2010

bruises purple.


Thawing earth, the Spring's cold rain.
Seeping snow through rusted drains.
Heavy branches bow their heads.
Close your eyes, find your bed.
Icy tears, stain snow white sheets.
This is where - mind and soul shall meet.

Feel nothing, yet feel it all.
Mind reflecting on the fall.
Bruises purple, as darkest ice.
You've left it all, you can do it twice.
There can't be more you haven't felt before.
Get up, shut up, close the door.

Within the branches the birds will dance.
Every Spring, every Fall - nothing ever left to chance.
Snow will find the deepest soil.
The rotting memories, not left to spoil.
The earth will break, the ground will shiver.
The broken...breaking...will maybe soon be put together.