Thursday, October 29, 2009

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

promise child.


I stood once again in the doorway, the magnificent blue and white marbled floor before me, the ivory pillars so tall. It was dark, this took me aback...it had never been dark before. Was it supposed to be dark? I was nervous, but only for a moment. Lightning cracked, streaking across the sky and thunder shook the air around me. It was then that I noticed Him. He was sitting on a throne of white marble, in the center of the room. His head was down, and He was sobbing. Loud, heart-wrenching sobs echoed in the great room. I instantly felt the sting of my own tears rising behind my eyes. I was immediately drawn to Him and I collapsed at His feet. I put my head in His lap and the tears poured. My sobs mixed with His, the sound grew louder. His tears slapped against my face, they mixed with mine. He was crying for injustice. He was crying for the sins I had committed, and the sins committed against me. He was crying for the pain of all the mistakes, all of my pain.

The music began again and I was snapped back into reality, the words "child of promise" glared from the screen above. The words fitting as they always seemed to do with the images. Then a single word triggered more.

I lifted my head, He held my head in His hands and He gently kissed my forehead. Then He held out to me a clear, precious stone. It resembled frosted glass, some facets of it clearer and brighter than others. It represented hope, and it represented strength. It was the product of the pain. Within the stone I could see waves and storm raging inside. Grey, black, blue. This, a reminder of the storms now in the past. The storms that brought about the sense of hope and strength. The stone a token to remember His great faithfulness to me.

I wept, because it was altogether too beautiful.

Monday, October 26, 2009

.

Sometimes when I think about what happened.

[I'm sorry, but it's true.]

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Friday, October 23, 2009

don't look at me, look at Him.


Do you ever have days when you annoy yourself?...More than usual. Suddenly you're in the midst of laughing about something when you realize it's the most obnoxious sound, even to you. Or you add input into a conversation only to hate every thought you produce because it has nothing to do with what you're really trying to convey. It's this odd sense of someone foreign being in your body, and you'd like them to go away. They're selfish, they're arrogant, they're bothersome, and utterly a fool. You find yourself snapping at people and having an extremely hard time being kind even on the most basic level. The only thing I know to do on these days is to refill with the Spirit - to find the good, the wholesome, and the truthful and quickly consume it as one who is famished and eats to live.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

painfully obvious

Sometimes I wish they would just ask about the scars. They're so obvious. It would be better than saying nothing at all.

I think I have a new obsession.


With kites.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

I am your hiding place


I knelt, completely broken. The wounds were deep, open, stinging wounds. The blood was washed, the bruises disappeared, my battered body. Fragrant, cleansing oil poured over me. One wound remained, gaping, beaten heart. Cleansed, and bandaged, still there, but healing. The garland was placed in my hair, the linen was draped over my shoulders. He pulled me to my feet. I stood before him, and with his thumb, in oil, he wrote on my forehead the word "beauty". A washbowl with a towel was placed in my hands. Purpose, to bring beauty to those who are afflicted. I was taken away, his strong arms encircled about me. A fortress, "I am your security" he firmly said. "This is where I want you to be. With me, right here...safe. I am your hiding place."



How great is his goodness to me. How far he has brought me. How safe he has kept me.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

{ beauty }


I am obsessed with beauty. Why is this? Is this a fault, or something God instilled in my heart? Maybe it could be both, or either. Maybe it's from seeing the consequences of the absence of beauty. I fear the absence of beauty. Beauty, or lack there of, can lead me into depression quicker than anything, and in the next moment it can bring me happiness. Instead of letting beauty determine my worth I want it to change from being something that I identify myself with, to something that has to do with God's work in me. I want it to be an aura that hangs around me and that I can share from spending time in the presence of Jesus. Beauty that pours from the cracks in me...His beauty standing starkly amidst my brokenness and filth.

"But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him."
{2 Corinthians 2:14}

love.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

What am I passionate about? Have I fallen into utter apathy when it comes to social injustice? Have I lumped everything together, and just noted that bad things happen? Have I given up all hope of doing anything to make a difference, before I even try? I long for a vision, a fire ignited. I am asking for eyes that see what God sees. I am asking for opportunities to rise to the challenge, and courage to do so.

Monday, October 12, 2009

agape.

These are the things we learned from C.S. Lewis about the fourth love, agape love.

The secondary things in life will always be vying to be the first things, they will continually let us down and continually work to attract us.

Do not love God just because He is safe to love.

Contrary to popular thought, loving God does not keep us from sorrow, sometimes there's heartbreak involved.

Agape love has nothing to do with our feelings towards him, he loved us first.

Agape love is utterly disassociated with need.

God gives us agape love and gives us the ability to love with agape love.

Agape love is different in that we don't hunger for it, we hunger for the natural loves, but we do not hunger for agape love.

We want to be desired, to be delighted in, we want to fulfill and satisfy the needs of someone else - but when love has nothing to do with us and isn't dependent on our worth at all, we don't want it as much.

"Need men less, love men more."

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."

Sunday, October 11, 2009


"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

{Philippians 4:6-7}

Friday, October 9, 2009

.


Sometimes words can't express what your heart feels.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

{ nothing too small }


Transparent dew clings to sharp blades of grass
Grey before light
Hush before roar
World pierced with the dark
Fiery splendor, captured so bright

In one drop, beauty of present is captured
Color enveloped
Reflection of life
Suspended world within other
For careful eye to delight

Wrapped in the simple. the ordinary of day
Water for wash
Rain for the soil
Transformation to brilliance
Present, till falling from sight

Absorbed in the deep, cold heart of the earth
Nourishment needed
Lifeblood for blossom
Once merely a fragment, now part of the whole
As shadow is, impression of night

The wonder, the mystery, of such small happening
Beauty chose modest
Grandeur chose limit
Where our feet tread, and the muck often pools
Miracle of no intrusion to excite

A life carefully lived will always notice the small
Sometimes it's broken
Often it's hidden
Sharp contrast is strange and not easily grasped
That majesty and humility would somehow unite


{We were given the assignment of writing a poem about the incarnation of Christ, and/or relating it to something}

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Monday, October 5, 2009


I like to remember that beauty grows amidst the thorns.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

He spoke it so clearly...

forgive.


How can I not, when a thousand times I've failed?...
and still His mercy remains...

Friday, October 2, 2009


When the streetlights come on and the fireflies flicker,
I am walking her home making plans.
With her shoes in her hands, I am watching her dance,
As the hem of her dress gently kisses the grass.

It suddenly rains on us,
She is laughing and turns up her hands.

Like autumn turns leaves, winter will breathe, cold on our necks, snow in our paths.
Wherever she goes, all that I know about us is that beautiful things never last,
That's why fireflies flash.

When this summertime ends, we will not part as friends,
Things were promised in blood; we have sinned.
Now there's tears in her eyes as she's screaming goodbyes,
I run 'long side the car turning numb to the sound.

I notice a chill in the air,
September is creeping up fast.

Like autumn turns leaves, winter will breathe, cold on our necks, snow in our paths.
Wherever she goes, all that I know about us is that beautiful things never last,
That's why fireflies flash.

Innocence didn't mean we're immune to these things,
Let's blame the passage of time.
Love and loss, truth it costs more than I can spare right now.
Maybe it's simpler to lie...

Like autumn turns leaves, winter will breathe, cold on our necks, snow in our paths.
Wherever she goes, all that I know about us is that beautiful things never last,
That's why fireflies flash

{Fireflies : Ron Pope}

click to listen

Thursday, October 1, 2009

5


A few random thoughts from today.

1. I feel really old today. It's an odd feeling, and I'm not quite sure what to do with it. My siblings all have facebook now. While I've been gone they've all grown up. My sisters are gorgeous. It's like overnight they became mini adults.

2. Reflecting back on old posts, I realize that as I wrote two years ago, I am still far from who I want to be. But who I want to be has begun to change.

3. I may not be graduating in May as I thought. I might have to graduate next December. This is disheartening and I need prayer as I try to figure things out.

4. I think I'm falling again. I didn't expect to so soon. I really don't want to.

5. I realize this is my second blog post today. It's just that kind of a day.

.


When He looks at me, He sees something that He can love.