darkness is a harsh term, don't you think.

today I found myself thinking about what it will be like when I die. (morbid, maybe...but let me continue). one day I will be nothing but a shell of who I was. a thin and fragile, empty body. soul departed. not remembered long. surrounded by cold soil. I wonder how I will have loved. how I will have lived. what regrets I'll have. within the space of now and then.

.

maybe I should have sent a cake, or something.
blue frosting, maybe white.
candles...of course.
.

the frosting might have melted.

nz.

nadia recorded some of the events of the day. a little taste of what it was like being there. my favorite day in new zealand so far. {as is apparent in the video}

you can hurt me.
but you cannot have my security.
that's mine to keep.

"I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship." {Louisa May Alcott}

oh the many reasons...

...why I love my sister. {one whole week.} of insane fun.

I am amazed

by how quickly

{the
most
beautiful
things}

can become so ugly.

"In the fading light, the trees along the bank were slowly losing their dimensions, flattening into silhouettes clipped from black paper and pasted to the paling sky."

{Natalie Babbit : Tuck Everlasting}

free, it feels like...free.

Last night we had our evening program for the kids - a weekly event of crazy games and silliness. At the end of game time, I got to read a story to all the children. I loved it. I read one of my all-time favorite children's books..."You are Special" by Max Lucado. - I know, I know...it's sounds cheesy...but it is wonderful.

I will summarize. The book begins in a little town of wooden people, called "Wemmicks". They go around sticking either stars or grey dots on each other depending on appearance, performance and talents (grey dots would indicate lack-thereof). Punchinello is the main character, an awkward looking wooden doll who is clumsy and without talent. He begins to believe the criticism of others the more often he hears it, and the grey dots only seem to multiply. He is surprised one day to meet a Wemmick unlike any other, she has no dots - or stars. She tells Punchinello that it is because she visited the woodcarver...and so, out of curiosity, Punchinello ventures to do the same...and these are my favorite quotes from the ending...

"Who are they to give stars or dots? What they think doesn't matter, Punchinello. All that matters is what I think. And I think you are pretty special." said the Woodcarver

Punchinello laughed. "Me, special? Why? I can't walk fast. I can't jump. My paint is peeling. Why do I matter to you?"

Eli looked at Punchinello, put his hands on those small wooden shoulders, and spoke very slowly. "Because you're mine. That's why you matter to me."

Punchinello had never had anyone look at him like this--much less his maker. He didn't know what to say.

"Every day I've been hoping you'd come," Eli explained.

"I came because I met someone who had no marks."

"I know. She told me about you."

"Why don't the stickers stay on her?"

"Because she has decided that what I think is more important than what they think. The stickers only stick if you let them."

"What? I don't think I understand."

"You will, but it will take time. You've got a lot of marks. For now, just come to see me every day and let me remind you how much I care." Eli lifted Punchinello off the bench and set him on the ground. "Remember," Eli said as the Wemmick walked out the door. "You are special because I made you. And I don't make mistakes."

I know it's one of those "aw" sort of books...but I just really love that illustration. In searching for belief in my belovedness this week...it seems like God has taken every moment to remind me of it's truth. Finishing that book with bright-eyed children was tying a bow around the entire week. My life is changing so fast, I can hardly process it all. Nothing of my own doing. God has this beautiful way of bringing us back to things we swore we'd never do. Some of you, (who know me well)...know that last summer at camp isn't one of my favorite memories. Maybe even my worst. Given the situation itself wasn't the best, I shouldn't have lumped everything into one giant grudge against it all...but I did. I even claimed it was the "summer from hell"...and I hated going back - even stepping on the property. I closed off people related to the summer as best I could, and I erased every memory. So well, I forgot names.

{"No one ever told me grief felt so much like fear." C. S. Lewis}

The year went on, as it does. Senior year, there I was in March, with my whole life ahead of me crying - "God! I'm here! I've told you I will go anywhere and I will do anything - what more could you want from me? I need direction, I need a job." And God says - "Guess where I'm taking you Grace..." Here I am - a million miles away, yes, but working in a Christian camp - living, even, in a camp. Working, breathing camp-life daily. I smile even as I type it. He's so good. Being here and keeping the future in mind I've caught myself thinking about what it would be like to live in a camp setting for a long time...get this...ready?...I've even pictured myself working again at the camp I did in the U.S. and wanting to live there...who knows if that would ever actually happen...but can you believe those thoughts even came from me? I can't. That's why God is amazing. He brings us back to things and paints His grace completely over them...He says - "You can't - but I can."

I will push you. I will grow you. And I will love you like you've never known...

So my latest stubbornness with God? Deciding that I don't want children. Even cringing at the idea. Sure, I'd love to adopt/care for children who don't have any home...but my own? No thanks. I'd rather my hips stayed in the general area they're in now, and I'd like to have a life of adventure and excitement...nothing normal. "Besides", I justified - "I'm not that great with them anyways." Pure selfishness, when it comes down to it. So what has God decided to do? Since last week He's been surrounding me with laughing, giggling, warm and bouncing toddlers. Slobbery kisses on my cheek and affectionate names such as "aunty"...darling smiles just for me...how could one resist?

To be completely honest, I'm still not so sure about the whole procreating thing (luckily I've got plenty of time!)...and last summer still has a sting left to it...but I am slowly beginning to let go of my "never" statements...and give them over to someone who I am finding, loves me a whole lot.

It is that weaving of all threads...and a renewed hope in "nothing wasted or left to rot..."

places, people, moments injected with significance.

like a little kid waits on Christmas.

Can I have permission to take a moment and gush about the plans in the making for my sister's visit? I spent all of last night mapping out the week, and I think my mind has already up and left for vacation. I can hardly wait.

Saturday morning - she arrives!
- Spend time showing her around camp - if the weather is friendly we'll do some kayaking and rock climbing.
- Dress up for the evening out.
- Begin by going to an Eastern spa where we'll get nice warm, scented massages. Mm.
- Go to the movie showing of Robin Hood.
- Have the most beautiful dinner in Sky Tower - the revolving restaurant high above the Auckland city lights.
(That's our splurge day, and a chance for her to feel pampered after such a long flight.)

Sunday -
- Drive out to Piha beach & Karekare beach for a relaxing morning of being with God in quiet, beautiful places.
- Have coffee/lunch at a tiny cafe by the beach.
- Come back and go grocery shopping for our week of travel.
- Possibly also go hiking out at Fairy Falls. (if time is left)
- Pack the car up!

Monday-
- Greet the sun and drive towards the Coromandel.
- Spend the day hiking through the beautiful bush & mountainside.
- Arrive at our hut, where we will stay the night.

Tuesday-
- Wind our way back down to the car in the morning.
- Drive further into the Coromandel area.
- Visit Cathedral Cove (Prince Caspian), Hot Water Beach (you can dig in the sand and hot water springs up!), and spend time
hiking through more areas where Narnia was set.
- Drive an hour west to a lodge where we can access internet, watch a movie & enjoy soaking in a hot tub.

Wednesday –
- Drive 3 hours to Hobbiton (Nadia is a big fan).
- 3 hour tour of Hobbiton (currently filming "The Hobbit" there now) - sheep farm will be included in the tour. Hm.
- Drive into nearby Rotorua to take the luge, or a gondola to catch pretty views and have some fun.
- Stay the night at a nearby camping cabin.

Thursday-
- Drive back home
- Pack a picnic lunch & spend the day at the Auckland zoo. (weather permitting)
- Come home & watch a movie/relax/go for a run?
– Possible dinner at a friend's house.

Friday-
- Explore more beaches, maybe visit a few parks, shop for souvenirs if needed.
- Cook dinner together.

Saturday-
- Visit the local farmer's market & vineyards.
- Pack up & head to the airport.
- Say a sad and not-so-fun goodbye,

So of course everything could change at the drop of a hat - but that's the tentative plan. Who wants to come visit me next? :)

But seriously. You should.

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

{Maya Angelou}

a daddy's girl.

Everyone is convinced their dad is the best, but I'm pretty sure mine is.

Dad,

thank you for working hard in tough situations to take care of five children.

thank you for family vacations with a car packed to the roof and beyond.

thank you for being the tickle monster.

thank you for praying for us.

and...thank you for teaching me how to love people with a compassionate & tender heart.

I love you.

.

"We have fallen into the place, where everything is music."

{with grace in your heart, and flowers in your hair.}

Tonight was an evening of new friendship, laughter, snuggling babies, warm conversation, soul-baring, and contentedness.

More than anything this year, I want to know what life is - "living as the beloved".

I am forever the beloved, have forever been the beloved.

I want new eyes.

to see

raw. fresh. living. love.

I want the entire span of my life to change from this truth set free in my heart.

.

This day was just one in an eternity of being loved.

.

As I chatted this evening with a sweet new friend, she began telling me about her work in a shelter for pregnant women who are alone and need joy brought into their lives. She teaches a crafting class in the shelter-home, and she is also throwing a big baby shower for all the mums there. She is decorating, finding gifts, arranging games, and having a salon come who volunteered to pamper them with mini-spa treatments. As I listened to her my mind raced in a million different directions. First, what a hopeful place for them to heal. Secondly, I don't believe in coincidences and know the timing is right with my thoughts on crafting & giving into a community. Thirdly, in my heart has always been a sensitivity to pregnant mothers and the desire to make women feel as beautiful as they are. In my scattered dreams has been the thought to one day share my home with people in need - what that looks like, I'm still unsure. Children, mothers, families...God will show in time. I didn't think any part of this dream would come into play so early on in my life, especially on top of working at the camp. The seed has rooted in my heart, and the thoughts are taking form. Pray that I would take uncomfortable steps - brave steps, in beginning to enter something so much larger than myself.

God leaves me in awe. as He shakes my world apart.

oh so happy things.

1. My sister is coming in ONE week!

I get the entire week off and have planned a big hiking trip - on which we will hopefully be visiting this beautiful place - Cathedral Cove - from Prince Caspian.

2. So excited to have some warmer clothes shipped here for winter - shopping is more limited, so clothes from the U.S. seem like such a wonderful luxury. (thanks Danielle!)

3. There are only 10 more weeks till Spring time! (and yes...I am avidly counting down.)

4. And...every week I talk to my grandmother I get more and more excited about spending time with family and having a sandy-beachy-warm Christmas in Oz! I have so much to be thankful for.

"I have loved you with an everlasting love..." {Jeremiah 31:3}

change me, instead.

disappointment repeatedly rises up in life.
we often feel that God, has in some way let us down.
we expect things God never promised or guaranteed.
mere products of our own conclusions and ideas.

that's tough to confess.

See, what we get - is God.
we don't get all these wonderful things and God as an added bonus...no...we get God.
every single day.
we get God.
if that isn't enough, what is?

today I prayed that instead of changing my circumstances, that God would change me.

to fit my circumstances.

my chest tightened when I prayed it, and meant it.

because honestly, I'd much rather He went ahead and changed my circumstances.

I'm living just to fall, more in love with You.

.

the stinging truth.

I am sorry.

I was slapped in the face last night.

With the reality that I have used God to make much of myself.

In my blog posts, in my writings - "Do this, read this, listen to this, it's helped me become a better Christian - it will make you a better Christian..." What am I doing?

Am I just glorifying myself? "Look at what I'm doing, look at how I'm growing..."

How do I write anymore? What do I say? When does encouragement and sharing turn into self-directed praise? I feel like a complete fool. Ashamed, and humbled. My strivings and efforts are nothing if God is no longer present in them.

God forbid that I would mis-portray Him or make Him into what I want Him to be.

Here's the truth - I'm a completely reeking mess. Trying to learn how to love God. Trying to learn how to let God love me. And nine times out of ten, I get it horribly wrong.

I need to take time to re-evaluate my blogging.
re-evaluate a lot of things.

{write to feel.}

gown silk and rimmed with lace
blacker than the night
you held me closer
than the moon
whispering goodnight

one match deaf explosion
wooden splinters fork
trees and houses
made on sand
melted down and burned

dripping down the silver walls
painted fresh and bright
we'll paint the lies
call them true
stamp them on our bodies

make the ugly disappear
like streaking rain
across our charred
and cracking faces
left smoldering in shame

catch me while I hide

we hate, we hurt and then we cry
always never but I forgot to
remember the breath
you let me take
we shared

the old man with the beaten hat
the eager waiter with the water
that's the credits rolling
just a glimmer maybe cinder
snuffed beneath a boot

no words, no story, no ever ending
the beginning of a hoax
fooled you, twisted
and hung you wrought
upon the iron ledge

years and years you'll keep the post
scrape your body to that edge
once more
open scabbing fists
to find your heart

beating like the murmured voices
time is farther, time is father
of the bitter frost
lies, I'll make you all a liar
but now, I've proved you right

{living love.}

Two posts in one day, I know - a bit exuberant. I couldn't not share my excitement with you though.

So remember my "giving" post? In effort to do and not only say, I've been thinking much more carefully about my spending habits. I got lost last night in hours of researching fair trade organizations - specifically ones that give directly to a community or involve the people there in the work. I love the way most of the businesses are set up with people receiving hope through selling their artistry - and us getting to make a connection with them through our purchases. Though it may seem like "selfish giving" because you are buying, not donating I think it is a wonderful way to spend money and know it is for love (and not just my ever-absorbed self).

I want it to expand my heart for people and I have decided that though purchasing is a great way to help, I want to do something even more direct. I have a lot of time right now in my life, I get to create a lot of my day the way I like. I want to use this year, (and maybe years) with the time open to begin my own craftsmanship to sell and give profit to a community in need. Obviously this will take some heavy research, some built up resources, some contacts made, and some brainstorming - but I am bouncing with excitement just thinking about it. If you have ideas, I want to hear them. If you want to help, I would love it. I want to watch my world change, and be a part of it.

Here's some other ideas I want to share- product of my research.

I'm expecting this beautiful headband in the mail any day - it was made by Peruvian women from alpaca and the proceeds go straight to them. You should check out the site - browse, and read more.
www.jinjafairtrade.org




Also, one of my very favorite organizations - Samaritan's purse has a gift catalog where you can purchase very specific things for people. You can buy a goat for a family to provide them with milk - nutrition and means of an income. What's really neat about this is you can also have your gift given in honor of someone, and a card is sent to them - it would make a creative Father's day gift, I think. www.samaritanspurse.org/



This company is beautiful. I wish I could order from NZ but it only markets the U.S. The bright beaded jewelry is made in Uganda and is helping bring restoration there. Buy some! www.beadforlifestore.org



One more link to leave you with - a list of lots of fair trade companies. I hope you pick up the excitement that I have - we can do so much! More posts on this to come.

www.fairtradefederation.org

{living-breathing, books}

so beautiful.

{your grace has found me just as I am.}

I went for a run after work today, it had been a few days. Three miles. Getting there.

When I run I usually select all the upbeat songs I have to put some bounce in my step. So there I was, grooving along to some Gaga song (yeah, I know), running through the prettiest mixture of rainforest and countryside. I rounded the corner near the usual cow pasture, and found myself facing a stunning sunset. The air was chilly but a warm glow hung over the very edges of the mountains, fading into a purple and grey sky. I looked down at my ipod in hand, and I scrolled to the song "Majesty".

Here I am.
humbled by your majesty.
Covered by your grace so free.

Majesty.
Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed but alive in Your hands.
We sing
Majesty
Majesty
Forever I am changed by Your love.

In the beauty of Your Majesty.

I finished my run on that song, head up watching the ever-softening sky.

As the urge to praise pushed me faster, I thought to myself - "Why, why do I waste so many moments on empty things?" Life goes by so quickly, then it's gone. I waste precious minutes listening to ego-soothing, sin glorifying thoughts being pounded in my head when God watches and waits. Raw beauty His fingers paint, and a deep strength that continues loving my heart. I want to spend this week putting conscious effort into redeeming moments of my day and inviting Him to refill them with life.

When I stopped short after reaching the driveway - exhausted and out of breath, the sky suddenly opened up and silvery sheets of rain poured down. The cool water drenched my warm skin and aching body. A smile burst on my face. It was the kindest hug from a constant, loving God.

I am so empty. so dark. and He is so light.

"And you walked right past all my defenses.
I don't know how, but somehow you knew.
...You broke through."

{homesick.}

Home is so many different things to different people.
And I miss mine.
I live in New Zealand, but my heart doesn't yet.

Do you remember still the falling stars
that like swift horses through the heavens raced
and suddenly leaped across the hurdles
of our wishes--do you recall? And we
did make so many! For there were countless numbers
of stars: each time we looked above we were
astounded by the swiftness of their daring play,
while in our hearts we felt safe and secure
watching these brilliant bodies disintegrate,
knowing somehow we had survived their fall.

Rainer Maria Rilke :: Falling Stars

the things that make you smile.

{I love this.}

My favorite thing about running

is that every time

I leave a little bit more behind.

I run over people.

And somehow always seem to hurt the people who mean the most.

I ache to just be their biggest fan...not to reserve a place...but to somehow help them see more of everything they are and can really be.

"We want you to make us brave, brave and brokenhearted individuals."

{give.}

What are two things that make Stargirl who she is? First, the fact that she finds beauty in uncommon places, and secondly, that she is constantly giving to others...giving herself, giving her time, giving her energy, and giving gifts that express deep knowledge of that person.

I've had a lot of time lately to think about life, and what I want mine to look like. A lot of times graduates go through a stage of loss following graduation. With everything they have known as their security pulled out from beneath them and the expectancy to succeed in life while everyone looks on with curiosity...it can be a tightrope to walk. Somehow it feels like life is more real, which sounds silly - but it just seems like...this is it - right now - there isn't any, "who do I want to be one day?" because that day has arrived.

So what makes life meaningful? Starting from the ground up, how do I build a life that 1. Is not wasted on anything but God and 2. That I enjoy every day.

I have been reading Francis Chan's popular book, "Crazy Love" and once again have found my perspective shifted. That's what is constantly occurring in life isn't it? Having our presuppositions shattered and seeing in a new way, God, ourselves, and others.
This time it has been about giving. "God is not someone who can be tacked onto our lives...Do you know that nothing in your life will ever matter, unless it is about loving God and loving the people He has made?...True faith means holding nothing back; it bets everything on eternity." Chan's strength of writing is in his ability to speak the truth in a way that pins you with conviction, and I was successfully pinned. He continues on by quoting Tim Kizziar, "Our greatest fear as individuals and as a church should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that really don't matter." It's a scary thought to think of wasting my life on empty things. It's so easy, and I am so weak. I'm beginning to realize that whatever I have been doing isn't really cutting it - it's going to take some radical choices. if I want to live a different life than what I've seen, I'm not going to get there by thinking about it...and I'm certainly not going to get there by continuing to just do what everyone else is doing. Really, no aspect of it can be half-hearted.

Now we arrive at the vulnerability. In the past few years I have been really horrible at tithing, in fact, to be completely honest, I rarely tithed at all. I had a nice list of excuses - college student, no home church, no steady income...they all sounded good enough to suppress my conscience most of the time. However, I always knew I wasn't living out something Jesus wanted me to...and now having a regular income I have had to face my sin with all "protection" of excuses gone. But, instead of just beginning to tithe, I have been ignoring it all together and avoiding it. A bad habit I have with things I don't want to deal with. Thank goodness I have a God who is relentless in His love. Reading "Crazy Love" has made it pretty difficult to avoid the issue of my heart. Chan quotes a passage we've all heard countless times, Luke 18:22-24, "'Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.' When the rich man heard this, he became very sad, because he was a man of great wealth. Jesus looked at him and said, 'How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God!'" You see, a lot of life is about holding things very loosely in our hands. If I continue to go on holding my paychecks close to me, maybe I even choose the responsible route of building up my savings...what am I heading for? Some new stuff to make me more "this", or more "that"...but really nothing at all? So I save my money for a house one day...a safe, secure little life...will I really be happy once I get there? Those things aren't bad, but it's sort of like painting my face without a soul inside. If what Jesus says is true, that by giving away more I gain more...then who cares about saving for some future dream house? Can I not leave that in His care? Money cannot be my security. It also cannot be a trusted source upon which to build my joy.

Henri Nouwen writes - "It is hard to bear with people who stand still along the way, lose heart, and seek their happiness in little pleasures which they cling to...You feel sad about all that self-indulgence and self-satisfaction, for you know with an indestructible certainty that something greater is coming..."

It's easy to keep doing what I am doing. It's easy to do what I want now, instead of what I know is real. Somehow I got it into my head that I deserve a good life, just because I signed up to be a Christian. I expect good things, and yet I expect to do as little as possible in the way of actually living like a Christian. All the benefits - while offering God my "leftovers" (as Chan so well termed it). The funny thing is, I get a lot of those good things. I am overwhelmed by beautiful things in my life, things I don't deserve at all. Evidence of a very present love. However, there is so much more - holding it's breath for me. Blessings, and yes, good things...but more than that...found intimacy in the deep heart of God...more knowledge of the one I love...and joy that lasts. Joy that supersedes life's daily constraints. These things cannot come unless I let go of their replacements, and one decision at a time make radically life-altering choices. I can talk a lot about things and fall in love with nice ideas...but until I act upon them they remain only that. Today I took the first step. I'm not going to go into detail because that would only be centering this all on myself, but I made the choice to give something dear and costly. It was tough. If I had let myself deliberate longer, I probably could have talked myself out of it quickly. But I had prayed for the opportunity to obey, and I knew without any doubt, it was an expression of God's desire for me to learn. I cannot even tell you the joy that came with it. A full weekend of amazing things given to me, and that turned out to be my favorite part of the whole thing. I'm not sure love can be love without sacrifice. I think loving God and loving others cannot be done in fullness until you have taken yourself out of the way.

I'm excited about this new way of living. The mindset of - "How much can I give?" instead of, "How much do I have to give?" I'm excited about this affecting the entirety of my life.

See, not only have I been struggling with monetary giving, but I've also been wrestling with how much to share of myself. I have been considering deleting my blog because I have realized that with so much vulnerability, I'm really leaving myself out there to potentially get hurt. Also, in sharing my heart, you know lots about me without me getting to know much of you...unless that is changed by choice. I really dislike that part of a blog. However, with the many messages from readers who admit to "stalking" my blog (you all shouldn't be so shy about that, I get more of those messages than you realize!) and find in my writing something that speaks into their life or encourages them, I know it would be more selfish to delete this and clam up, than to continue sharing my life with you. - In all of its honesty and deep set hopes. Really I do find it a privilege to have an audience of readers (what every writer longs for) - and I always find it encouraging to hear of how God works in uncommon ways subtly interweaving our lives together. Thank you for letting me be honest as I grow and learn about life along with you.

The things we are most critical of in others, are often the things we hate most in ourselves. Though we'd never admit it.

{guilty pleasure.}

My guilty pleasure of the week was going to see the Sex and the City 2 premiere last night with some friends. It was what I expected, pretty empty, cheap entertainment...I wasn't expecting more than just what a chick flick usually offers. But the fashion was stellar. Every time they came out in a new outfit it was such a work of art. It made me really want to go buy stilettos to wear around night and day - or the long, evening gown looking nighties that Carrie Bradshaw lounges around in as she writes books in her chic apartment. Talk about the glamorous life. Maybe one day...for right now camp practicality calls for chacos, not heels.

{uncomfortable.}

What a day.

"You won't get anywhere in life by whining." I can't even count how many times I repeated that phrase today.

It was a day of practicing patience, and learning to be much more than I am. The day began with a bang as I instructed my own full hour and a half session. This week we have one of the preppiest, most elite primary schools in for the week and the children are quite a contrast to the Islander children we had last week - both in attitude and behavior. Most of these children have grown up in extremely wealthy families and have always had their way. By "helping" their children along a lot of parents have put their children at a disadvantage as they have never learned to persevere or to look after others before themselves. It's sad, and extremely frustrating. In the first group none of the children wanted to do anything, they complained about each game or challenge and when that didn't work they just gave up. Quickly losing patience I found myself standing in the stream having to push the kayaks to get them through the rocks and the current as only a few of them could get their kayaks through on their own. After an exhausting first session of feeling inadequate, as I am still learning as well, we moved into the next hour and a half session. The new group came with a whole set of new challenges. One girl sat in her kayak sobbing and occasionally screeching because she didn't want to be in the water at all. This was after she had paddled all the way upstream from the landing. I let her scream for a while then sent the rest of the group back downstream to practice paddling backwards. Managing everyone at once is not easy. I pulled alongside her and tried to have a firm, but encouraging talk with her, reassuring her she was fine and that I would paddle back with her. She had reached a state of near hysteria and there's a point where you realize all they really want is attention, and she had reached that point. It was all I could do to keep my cool and and be gracious. I have been that camper, I'm sure. Once I finally had her calmed down we headed back and I rounded all the kids up to unload the kayaks, which required me getting out of my kayak first - unassisted. The way the landing works is it's a cement ramp that goes straight down into the water. The cement is covered in muck, and at the very base of the ramp is two foot deep mud and eels...let's just say, it's not fun to fall in. And fall, I did. I lost my footing, scraped the right side of my body on the concrete while trying to keep my legs from sinking into the eel-muck. Frustrated, humiliated, soaking wet, and muddy I climbed out and hauled my kayak out of the water. In that moment I wanted nothing more than to sit with that girl and bawl my eyes out right along with her. A few deep breaths and I smiled saying, "Anyone else like to join me for a swim?" They laughed, but I was so disappointed in myself.

Good thing lunch was next on the agenda, I was able to have some time to get a grip. I gave myself a pep talk - yes you do begin talking to yourself when you live on your own. I straightened out my dwindling attitude and once I felt secure enough to talk to other human beings without snapping at them or collapsing in tears, I left the safe haven of my house to finish the day.

However, obstacles only seemed to surmount as the day wore on. Rats and spiders are in quite an abundance by the kayaks and while standing in front of a group instructing them on how to properly get into a kayak I had to squash a huge spider in my kayak without missing a beat. I also found myself sitting in urine someone had left in one of the kayaks, that was fun...and a fun odor to wear all day. The last group had a girl who constantly bullies her classmates and she and I had already had a heart-to-heart the day before in climbing and I wasn't looking forward to more confrontation. She pushes and shoves to get her way, she says vulgar things, and when spoken to she throws a full blown hissy fit complete with baby talk, growling, and screaming at the top of her lungs. You think I'm kidding, I wish I was. Luckily that particular group also contained my favorite camper, he's the cutest kid. He has long hair tied back and the biggest smile. He's always up for anything and everything, as brave as they come. He handles her bullying the best of all of them and works hard to be helpful even when it goes unnoticed. I quite like him. Some of them just have a way of creeping into your heart.

After the kayaking I was off to teach climbing and welcomed the break. But alas, even the climbing resulted in a wailing. One girl in particular would not get off the wall because she insisted she had to climb to the top. I had no problem with that, except that she also insisted she couldn't move either...so there we waited while she threw a fit on the wall. I was ever so grateful for the few kids who patiently waited it out with me and sacrificed their climbing time without complaining at all. They also helped me organize the harnesses afterwards and tie up the ropes. I wish I could meet their parents, shake their hands, and sincerely thank them for doing such a great job at parenting.

Scraped and bruised, still reeking of someone else's urine I trudged back to my house, thankful. Thankful because I had the entire day to think about all the ways this job is good for me. My job is to be a leader now and that requires initiative. I don't have someone telling me what to do all the time, it's my responsibility to figure it out myself and take charge. Those of you who know me, know that isn't usually my first instinct. Along with initiative I have to quickly get over fears and endure more than I am comfortable with. The rats, the spiders, the eels- I no longer have the luxury of avoiding them. Capsizing, wading, sore muscles, they are the "get to" part of the job description. No longer can I just kayak, or climb, but I have to be better than the people I instruct, to be well-equipped for my job. After-work classes and training, here I come. And goodness knows I'll be learning some patience...something I've always known I lack. I wouldn't have thought this was what I would end up doing after completing four years of Graphic Design...but I think it is exactly what I need right now. I think it has God's presence plastered all over it.

"The beautiful paradox of God is that He is consistent in nature, but completely unpredictable in what He does." {Graham Cook}

Sydney.

This is where I'll be spending my two weeks of Christmas vacation. Plane ticket - in hand. Bikini body countdown begin.

Pinch me, I may be dreaming.