today I felt like I could see sin slowly killing me.

I could see where it hurt. I could feel it making aches deeper.

and yet I continue on sinning.

quick fix to end the hurt.

what a vicious, vicious cycle.

friendship.

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that gives value to survival." {C.S. Lewis}

The friends I have in my life, are gems.

I don't take for granted the friendships that I have, nor do I think they merely happened by chance. The more years that pass, the more I realize just how rare and beautiful a friend is. Not just a "friend" as the word is flippantly thrown around to cover all acquaintances - but a soul-friend. The ones who know my heart well, studying me like a book. Well-worn pages, and tidily-marks along the margins. Loving me, just for being me. And when I need to be reminded of what my heart is like, they know. They have shared in my joys, shared in my hurts. They have pushed me, and dreamed with me. There has been side-splitting laughter & gut-wrenching tears.

There are very few things I have found so beautiful in life.

"I believe in pink.

I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner.

I believe in kissing, kissing a lot.

I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong.

I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls.

I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles."

{Audrey Hepburn}

tomorrow.

I suppose the difference between you and I,

is that dreams are only dreams to you.

To me, they were & are - endless possibilities.

Isaac.

I've been reading "The Pursuit of God" by A.W.Tozer, actually I'm only about five pages in...but finding it a well-worthy read. In the first chapter Tozer wrote about Isaac, and God's request to Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. From here, please let me get carried away with my excitement. Abraham loved Isaac. He protected Isaac, Isaac was his family, object of his deepest love. I love my siblings like this, I mean...I love them. I would protect them to my greatest ability, because they are precious to me, they are my family. This love, it's beautiful, right? But Abraham's love for Isaac was incomplete. He couldn't love Isaac enough, there was a missing piece. This is where God comes in and asks Abraham to do the very thing that wrenches his soul - kill Isaac, for Him. Man, I don't know how he did it. Maybe Abraham doesn't even know how he did it...it wasn't without tears, anguish, most likely - anger...and pain. But, in the end, he did it. He pulled the knife back, and he trusted God's heart without understanding Him at all. God didn't allow Isaac to die, He intervened - because that wasn't the point of it all. In that moment, something else happened. More than God physically intervening, God's love intervened. Into the places Abraham's love could never fit...God's love made the love complete. It's the things we give up that are truly ours. If we never give them up (this applies to just about everything we hold onto dearly)...they can never be everything they could be. They can never be complete.

For so long I've held onto something I thought I wouldn't be true to myself if I let go of it. I have always wanted to be the girl who believed in love even when everyone else didn't, the girl who hoped when everyone else lost hope...and letting go of dear things, felt like giving up, being untrue to myself...it felt apathetic. But, you know what? I'm realizing that this is a love that has a different kind of beauty. It's a fierce love. It's a love that does win in the end because it does more than my love ever could.

I think right now, if I'm honest, I'm only half-way up the mountain to the altar. I cry when I look at the "knife", I cry when I think about the sacrifice...but I know in my heart-of-hearts...that I am crying over something that's not as much mine as it's felt. And that my perception of love is about to be blown out of the water the moment I reach that altar.

one thing.

Please teach me of Your love for me.

And I will spend the rest of my days striving to never forget it.

"You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart." {Jeremiah 29:13}

Dear God,

Thank you for loving me enough, to not let me stay the way I am.

Love, Your slowly-growing little girl.

family.

I had the chance to visit with my Aunty Marion on Tuesday, she flew in from Sydney. It was wonderful. And now, spending the entire weekend with her - and her family here.

Family has begun to mean so much more to me than it ever has before.

Sometimes space must be created in our lives to sort out the things we value most.

[ ]

sometimes it's easier to burn than to build.

sometimes, it's easier to hurt than to heal.

{Colbie Caillat : I won't}

the rhyme and reason.

Without anticipating the confusion of changing my blog settings, I apologize for the inconvenience. I have been learning that I need to begin placing some well-set boundaries in my life. Especially, between my workplace, and my personal life. With my blog open for anyone to see, I was losing more and more space to be myself without threat. Thanks for being patient and dedicated readers. I'm happy to have you all reading my blog.

clouds.

I've had my head in the clouds all day.

If there's anything I can do well, it's dream.

Oh, I can dream with the best of them.

delight.

things I would like to learn & do this year.

[in no specific order]

southern hemisphere.

[I want to learn to identify all the star constellations, stay up late to watch a meteor shower, and take the telescope out to an abandoned beach.]

raspberry jam.

[I would like to learn the useful art, of making jam & canning.]

doula.

[I am working on obtaining certification to be a registered doula. I am probably most excited about this. Beginning classes soon. If you don't know what it is, you should look it up.]

dance.

[Begin a dancing class at the gym downtown.]

"that's so you."

[Decide upon and redefine my own style & wardrobe.]

bright things.

[See bright things make a significant difference upon fruition. http://stargirlbright.blogspot.com/]

back to the beginning.

[Investigate & study my family history. Dig through journals and remember where it is I have come from and who I've always been.]

frosting.

[Bake and decorate a special cake for someone, for no reason at all.]

queen of persia.

[Complete the Beth Moore Esther study.]

turquoise sea.

[Go sailing, snorkeling and surfing.]

significant.

"People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; Never throw out anybody." [Sam Levenson]

Sometimes I feel like I've never been farther from knowing how to love.

the people who love me - that's easy.

the people who agree with me, that's easy.

But, what a much too small box - to ever really know love in.

limited love, limited life.

.

difficult. humbling. exhausting.

&

A constant reminder of how much of myself needs to be replaced with Christ - indeed - the One who is Love.

And if Love, than anything apart from Him

is not...was never, love at all.

these are my siblings...

...and I'm pretty crazy about them.

One of the very best things about growing up,

is feeling less like a big sister, and more like a friend.

[I'm so lucky to have them.]

Once upon a time, we were children.

Recently, I've found myself looking back at people from my past...seeing what their lives are like now.

And I began wondering,

when did kids begin having kids?

...and when did heartbreak become so common?

It makes me feel,

old...and...sad, all at once.

a "monday" sort of friday.

I want to be changing the world.

Why does it feel like everything else is standing in the way?

Post-it notes. To-do lists. Budget plans.

It's all so disheartening.

my joy.

A moment to add, to my list of most treasured.

At a conference this week I met a man who is deaf, blind, and paralyzed from the waist. All of this caused by a severe case of meningitis which he caught through pollen on a tree he was cutting down...two years ago. One minute his life was normal, two children, beautiful wife...director of a camp...now he is utterly alone, in a dark place - confined to the prison of his mind. When I heard his story, I felt deep ache.

We were all given papers tucked within our programs with the simple sign-language alphabet printed out, if we wished to try and communicate with him. I so badly wanted to. I watched him with his family...but feeling unsure, and not really knowing him, I stayed away. On the last night of the conference there was a banquet, and he was wheeled to the end of our table. I'm not sure how it happened, but I found him sitting only an empty chair away from me. And I knew it was my chance. I picked up my signing-guide paper and moved seats, striking up a conversation with his cousin, the lady across from him. His wife was feeling sick, so his first cousin and her husband were eating with him. I asked her if I could talk to him, and she agreed quickly, though surprised. It was awkward at first. I told him my name - but new to signing, it was slow going. I told him where I was from, where I worked. I wasn't sure if he wanted the conversation to end, and I didn't really know what to say...so I ended it, keeping it short.

In my seat-away I heard him say "thank you God" as he sat before his plate of food, and I continued to watch him as he struggled to eat bite, by bite. Something about the sad loneliness of it all began to tear at me inside. As soon as I saw he was finished eating I jumped back to the seat near him, picked up his hand, and began again to talk to him. I would sign a letter, he would say the letters out loud and say the word once I had formed one. I would squeeze his hand twice to say "yes" if he was right. I don't know how the conversation changed, but instead of small talk I began asking him very honest questions and began sharing with him things I had felt and learned in New Zealand. I was completely absorbed in what turned out to be one of the most amazing & uplifting conversations I have ever had. I wish my words were less general, to explain it better.

He shared with me gut-wrenching loneliness. Surrounded by people, but completely alone."Most people are too afraid to try talking to me" he said quietly. I asked him how he could keep trusting God. He answered, "Because His promises are true." I told him New Zealand was sometimes very lonely and he said, "I bet. Away from your family and friends. I understand - and you can understand my loneliness...yes I understand very well." and I knew he did, I knew he truly did.

He gripped my hand, and said, "Everything will fight to convince you that God doesn't care. It will come at you, bombard you, and try and convince you."

As he continued on I felt somewhat in awe, and I told him I wanted a deeper - more withstanding faith, like I saw in him. He said to me, "Ask God for it. And don't be superficial with God, He doesn't want our games - He only cares about heart things, He just wants your honest heart."

An hour later, our conversation neared an end as the banquet was concluding and he held tightly to my hand thanking me over and over again, with a tear-filled voice for talking with him. I signed to him..."my joy"...because truly, it was.

That night I went to sleep with a heart full-to-bursting.

God is good, and He will forever be, good.

"The weatherman says it's gonna rain tonight...

the kind of storm where the basement floods."

dear blog,

Where do I even begin? The last week and a half...felt like a year, or two.

Let me summarize.

Last week I experienced the most intense outdoor training I have ever gone through. Caving. High ropes. Rock climbing. "Urban caving". Snowboarding. Zipline. Compass navigation. - And a two day backpacking trip through the bush, with a night spent sleeping in a cave. Talk about a long week. Fun, in some ways...challenging, in many ways. Especially with the added aspect of working with an instructor who frankly, nearly made me lose all respect for men. Oh boy, did we fight it out.

It's going to take me a long time to process all that I learned. I feel change happening, sort of slowly...and I don't know if I want it. It's scary to me. I don't like leaving things behind. Why do I feel like a little girl playing dress up?

Alright...more to come later...when I have internet again, and I'm home.

Missing. Thinking. Gaining experiences.