Saturday, July 31, 2010

"she claimed she grew up from a grain of sand
with every year wider she bloomed a little bit longer
to the roof of the sky with outstretched hands
she made friends with the sun, shared enemies with no one
counted weeks like she should of counted days
and swallowed handfuls of night so she could sleep tight
and turn her thoughts from its stone cold ways"

{Falling in Love with Glaciers: by Listener}

I'm learning to build better bridges.


Friday, July 30, 2010

when we seek You, we find You.

we drove to the ocean.

in the middle of the night.

to hear the crashing waves...the roar of the surf on the cliffs.

words would never explain the awe inside. the cliffs stood dark and jagged against the deep unending expanse of ocean. The waves foamed, faintly white in the darkness. stars sparkled. suspended down to the horizon line - ocean and sky meeting. three shooting stars fizzled. close enough to touch. stars, as I've never seen before.

the night ended with this prayer - "God continue to astound us with Your greatness - while still revealing to us our significance."


Thursday, July 29, 2010


"Those who look to Him are radiant." {Psalm 34:5}

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

brave. I like chances to feel brave.
spent today - learning 8 different ways to tie knots, scaling cliffs, rappelling down, and climbing through barbed wire fence. [all with a sweet victory scar on my foot to prove it.]

loved in my living.
as a friend prayed with me over skype last night I couldn't help feeling somewhat awed by who they are...[the people God has brought into my life].

raw. added to my list of favorite words.
searching with bated breath to find beauty in broken things. purity in truth. and undeniable facts. oh-so-desperate to find God for myself.

discontent with the tales of others.

maybe seasons come and go for things like this.
my few scribbles of moleskine-writing have dissipated, ending with the blank pages I began with. no matter how much I want to, I can't seem to find anything to say. and I so desperately want to.

write away the empty words.

simplicity.
like a now, hot shower.
a package in the mail from my family [making my heart completely, and overly, delighted].

little things, mean a lot.

for this time.
"The voice of the Lord shakes the desert." {Ps. 29:8}

waiting expectantly for hope to drive away the searing memories.

sink me in the river at dawn.

lovely in sound. lovely in colours.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010


"Everything is blooming most recklessly; if it were voices instead of colors, there would be an unbelievable shrieking into the heart of the night."

{Rainer Maria Rilke}

Monday, July 26, 2010

7:24 a.m.

I have never been a morning person, ask anyone who knows me. At some point in my life, maybe even just one day, I decided it was important to wake up and watch the sunrise. The one morning I chose, (I remember) was chilly. Frosted-over grass crunched & dead trees drooped. I walked to the highest hill I could find and sat on a cement block that felt colder than everything around me. I waited. Impatient. The pink and purple colors that slowly inched their way over the grey trees, did not disappoint. When I breathed, it felt fresh. When I listened, it was still. There is something about beginning your day completely alone with something so beautiful.

Since that day (2 years ago?) I have had other sporadic moments of feeling the need to see the sunrise. These events have turned into all sorts of special memories, some with others, some alone. I remember breakfast picnics, summer heat, sprinkler surprises...I remember my 21 birthday morning - being on a rooftop in Ireland, praying with a close friend. A morning is to me, a reminder that God is indeed the God of daily miracles.

Today was no exception. This time I had Beth Moore's inspiration in one hand, and mint tea in the other. (12 hours of sleep helped as well) This morning I wanted to feel alive. I wanted to remember that New Zealand is a really beautiful place and I am fortunate to live here. (no matter how much I may miss home)...and I wanted to remember that God is bigger than my wildest imaginations.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

sifting.

Saturday, I listened to someone speak on love. Yesterday, I spent all day hooked up to an IV with time to think about it. they spoke of a love that loves despite imperfections. a love that doesn't come up with a list of things you need to change, instead - says I see these things you struggle with and I'm here to pray with and wrestle through them with you. - because what they've fallen in love with is your soul [you for being you], and any faults are only scratches on the surface. all around us are imperfect people, loving imperfect people. how? loving not because they have found the "ideal match" - instead they've found someone they decided was worth fighting to love for the rest of their days. It's beautiful, lovely, and sad all in one. It cuts down illusions. Sometimes it also takes reconciling the fact that God is all knowing & yet allows us to hurt each other in our process of learning.

hosanna. [come save us.]


Friday, July 23, 2010

It feels like you just stood there, and watched me burn.

Tell me that's not true.

winsome.

this morning I woke to sit in the wet sand and make sandcastles with God...directly in the sun's early reach, it was maybe one of my favorite times with him.

life has kept me confused. scrambling. worn.

It was a comfort to just, be.

on a superficial note, I cut my hair short. and truth be told...I'm not such a fan. - actually, I hate it...it makes me feel like less of a woman. however...in my thoughtful moments I've decided it is good for me. provision, even. I need to care less about time spent on my appearance. [not to say that I will completely forego all efforts and scarf all the chocolate in sight...health is a completely separate issue here.] this instead, is about a way of living. I didn't come here [earth, that is] to half-live. which is precisely why I chose to spend the last three days in a bikini, mostly covered in sand. chasing the tide at night. jumping into the bright [turquoise] ocean upon every chance. caring less about imperfections. less about opinions. laughing. loving. and daring to live freely.

golden heart. the kind that sparkles. that's what I'd like.

see...what God cares about, is who we are & who we are becoming. and maybe it was time for re-arranging some priorities.


Tuesday, July 20, 2010

[ ]

I'm trying not to. But truthfully, I still blame you.

Monday, July 19, 2010

be my ever-bright hope.

opened my moleskine again after 5 months. three words scribbled down...but it's a start.

getting my blood tested for celiac disease (gluten intolerance)...I'm not sure which would be better - discovering the cause of feeling sick, or still being able to eat bread.

cleaned my house tonight, which somehow restores a sense of calm and clarity.

my mind has spent the day dwelling on ideas, visions and thoughts of being a foster mom, adopting, maybe owning a ranch as a safe haven. creating space for hurting children to grow, to be loved...I am coming alive with these ever-deepening dreams. I was made for it. I know I was. I can hardly wait because I know God dreams even bigger than I do. [...and I can feel it coming closer.]

began some new reading of "The Ragamuffin Gospel" by Brennan Manning & "The Return of the Prodigal Son" by Henri Nouwen. So far my favorite quote is this [Nouwen] - "People who have come to know the joy of God do not deny the darkness, but they choose not to live in it. They claim that the light that shines in the darkness can be trusted more than the darkness itself and that a little bit of light can dispel a lot of darkness."

song of the day:

Saturday, July 17, 2010

.


"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right...And sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." {marilyn monroe.}

I used to hate the normal patterns of life...predictable moving apart from people, growing up...[time & space]. I wondered how people could watch that happen in their lives and be okay with it. It terrified me to think of doing the same. Because - in my mind I pictured everything changing without me. Now that I've changed, I realize life isn't as cruel as it seemed, fear has faded away, and in the end, I know love will still win.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

recap.


[we live in new zealand now]

[mean dancing skills]

[you're not supposed to have favorites...but if I did...]



[yeah...there would be too many...]

[I love these kids]


[aroha]

my heart is shattered for these kids.
love.
respect.
gentleness.
affirmation.
promises kept.
they deserve attention. they deserve to be cried over. they deserve - for the one week we have to give them, to be loved to pieces for the shitty (pardon the language) lives they have had to live in. grow in. survive in.

this week confirmed, yet again, that this is truly what I want to spend the rest of my life doing. putting every scrap of my energy into giving something - anything - to these incredible, talented, intelligent kids that someone else threw out. for all the times they have heard that they are worth nothing and will never be worth anything - I want them to believe they are worth everything.

I don't really care about petty wishes and desires for my future anymore. quite honestly, if I'm one day closer to dying, I'd rather not waste that time on myself. what a sickening thought.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

stolen heart.

stellar day. four days of teen camp, and I am completely in love with these kids. [so quality]. they taught me how to pin drop tonight. mm hm. better believe it. there are some pretty incredible dancers in the lot. am I about ready to pass out from exhaustion? yes. smiling? more than ever. charming. darling. goober kids.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010




we exchange, rearrange our idols.



Sunday, July 11, 2010

not this time.

[I needed an excuse to join the craze. $3 won me over.]

On a more serious note. I've found a changing. affirmation [even] ten days ago, I craved. needed. couldn't see through. is fading away.

opinions - stale. some words...needing to be thrown away.

this is something different. I like it.

withholding. claiming. for I am a garden enclosed. and my heart a [deeper] treasure.

no longer for everyone.

Friday, July 9, 2010

catch me if you can.

Monday, July 5, 2010

journey.

my beautiful friend Danielle, recently posted these words on her blog [here]. few things have I found so perfectly worded, and placed.

hear them. and let them find root.

She knows who she is.
She isn't afraid of confrontation.
She does not lie or keep secrets.
She does not do something simply because it's popular.
She thinks for herself.
She knows what she wants.
She knows she has a purpose.
She accepts her image.
She is not afraid.
She can be alone.
She has friends who care about her.
She does not compare herself.


She is not afraid.
Especially not of love.


This. is the woman I want to be.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

nothing left to rot.

the people you find hardest to love, love all the more.
beginning on your knees.
listen for what they say between their words.
find their heart among their dreams
& learn their battles amidst their sighs.
in knowing them, you will leave little room for hatred. resentment. or envy.

this I have found, to be so beautifully true.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

thank you.

ruminations.

"Going home is a lifelong journey. There are always parts of ourselves that wander off in dissipation or get stuck in resentment. Before we know it we are lost in...angry ruminations. [Even] Our night dreams and daydreams often remind us of our lostness...Praying, fasting and caring are ways to help us return home." - Henri Nouwen

angry. bitter. resentful.

Jesus, a breakthrough.

Friday, July 2, 2010

lost.

"don't make someone a priority if they only make you an option."

I heard that phrase somewhere one time and it stuck with me. It's been dwelling in my mind all week. a frustration, of sorts. Because I'm not sure if it's right or not. It seems a beneficial piece of advice to take to heart, but just because something is good does not mean it is right. Does it? I don't know. Something tells me Jesus wouldn't say those words...but then the other part of me is scared not to heed the warning.

Does that mean I'm growing up? Living more in fear.

I've failed a lot of people myself, and with Grace being my very namesake, shouldn't grace persist? But is a line ever drawn? Quits called? My pride wants to shut the door, my heart says it's not right. My heart though, is losing merit. floundering. I feel quite at loss.

friendships are changing with me being here, and I'm struggling with it. maybe it's not even "here", maybe it's just cruelty of time.

"Loving someone is giving them the ability to destroy you, and trusting them not to." {Anonymous}

Thursday, July 1, 2010

no matter what.

Streams of mercy never ceasing, call for songs of loudest praise.