Monday, December 27, 2010

nothing certain.



















Do you ever look at your life and wonder how you got to be where you are?

For two weeks I've been able to put most everything on hold and have a holiday, but Thursday...it all returns full force.

Though Christmas was different, I am thankful for the time spent with people who love me - and people who I love. God has surrounded every season and time in my life with beautiful people. I have an incredible family whose love for God is a rich legacy to carry on.

I enter 2011 confidently, only through meditating on God's faithfulness and outstanding love. I have never been at such a precarious place, with such fear of the uncertain. Yet His wisdom to us is that we are - "...not anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving..." presenting our requests to God...(Phil. 4:6)

"Thanksgiving"...a thankful heart is a heart that knows what God has done...and finds security in knowing His nature. We know who He has been...we know personally, His withstanding kindness...and in that - we can come boldly to Him and trust Him with our deepest hopes, and most vulnerable fears.

Really, it's all about letting go. 



Side note: I'm also realizing my blog posts are pretty heavy these days - bear with me.


Thursday, December 23, 2010

.


You're the only one who really matters, aren't you?

Merry Christmas Jesus. 

Sunday, December 19, 2010



I found myself wondering if you felt it 
when my heartbeat left yours
...you know...
...if you noticed something change.

{I probably wonder things I shouldn't.}

Friday, December 17, 2010

limbo.


Nobody tells you that being young feels like this. 

I am overwhelmed with options. I think I make decisions more monumental than they probably are, and over analyze them too much...but I don't want regrets...who does, really.

People often give the advice, "follow your heart, do what you want to do...do what you love..." I wonder if anyone else feels like a stranger to themselves. I wish I knew what my heart wanted. I don't feel passionate about one career, I don't have the drive to do one thing for the rest of my life...I envy the people who do. I don't even have a hobby that I love more than anything. 

Sigh. Praying today for God to give me vision. I want a cause, I want something to pursue wholeheartedly. Something absolutely worthwhile and life-changing. 

The thing I care most about in my life are people...but maybe I need to care about more than that...do I?  

I have no desire to be a career-driven woman, but maybe that's what I'm supposed to be.

Maybe it's time for my heart to grow older and my head to drive me more than my heart. 

Ugh. I don't like being in this place. I really don't.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

.

The courtyard. The marble, the tall walls and the open roof. There was so much space between me and Him. I stood holding the handle of a massive dark brown door. I could leave, I knew I had the option. Did I want to leave the one consistent place in my life? No, I knew I didn't. I turned around and began walking back towards Him. I had no energy, no desire for Him...so I got down on my knees, willing myself to want Him. I stayed there, and He came to me. He knelt down, He always comes to where I am to meet me. He held His arms wide and I crawled into them. I sat there in His arms and felt how much He loved me. Once again my chest was torn open...the cavity of my ribcage exposed...and He took my heart out from me, holding it in His hands, bloody and a mess. Then He reached inside his own chest and took his heart and put it where mine had been. "You need to take my heart and show them what it's like." He said. "I am love, you cannot love without me." He continued. I nodded and watched Him put stitches down my side. As He did my eyes went quickly to my still remaining scars..."they're still there" I said sadly as I looked at the ugly twisted skin. He looked at me and said, "Grace. Every scar is there to draw attention for people to find my heart in you. They aren't going away, because each single scar has a purpose for the bigger picture of your life." I was stunned by the thought.I thought they were part of the tragedy of the consequences...I never thought they were meant to be there all along.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

something special


There is no other song I love as much as Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah". 


There is something so starkly beautiful about it that makes me shiver. 

In an odd way it instills an increasing hope inside.

My favorite line - "Love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah." 

That...is stunning. 

There are some things in my life that are more painful than I could ever try to explain to someone. But when I look back on them I see that in the end those things will all be brought together into the most beautiful, yes broken...hallelujah...and that will be my love. A shattered glass pieced back together with glimmers between the cracks and chips. The brokenness which tried to steal the beauty, in the end, only adding. 

I love that. 

Friday, December 3, 2010

that simple


I want a reason to stay.

I want a reason to leave.

Thursday, December 2, 2010


His blood, speaks on my behalf.

every.

single.

day.


Wednesday, December 1, 2010

cement.


Last night I could have punched a hole 
through the wall.
I was so angry, and so frustrated. 
I don't usually get angry, I usually get sad...but this was something more.
This was knowing I had hurt them.
This was knowing I was hurt.
It was frustration of trusting people.
Hearing one thing and seeing another.
Believe the best, then wishing I hadn't.
...giving second, second chances.
Being misunderstood and not being able to do anything about it.
.
My friend said to me today - "You're a treasure, live like you believe it."
So, there you have it. 

Tomorrow I have an interview. 
For my dream job.
I could not possibly be more excited.
When I left America, I knew in my heart it wouldn't be for a year.
This could be something permenant.
Those could have been some lasts.

A blank wall, waiting to be painted.
I'm choosing bright, and brighter colors.
Let's go God, you and me.