Thursday, May 31, 2007

so cold

My heart has grown so cold

I've let the darkness in

I've said You are everything

But still You weren't enough

I've not been true to You

My life has hurt you, Lord

I'm running back into the safety of Your hand

I wanna be free in Jesus

I wanna be satisfied in You and You alone

Take this heart

Take my life

Pull me close

Satisfy

My heart has heard Your call

But I have closed my ears

I've said I would follow You

But still I've chased the wind

I've stretched my hand toward You

While holding to this world

But now I'm letting go

And reaching out to You

I wanna be free, Jesus

I wanna be satisfied in You and You alone

Take this heart

Take my life

Pull me close

I want to be free, Jesus

I want to be satisfied in You and You alone

Take this heart

Take my life

Hold me close

Satisfy



I'm letting go

I'm letting go, Jesus

Cause I wanna be free


(Satisfy:Jeff Deyo)


Thursday, May 17, 2007

hope and wait

I am tired of waiting.

Tired of this intense longing that finds me in my weakness and haunts.

They say one day it comes, and yet I see so few who have it.

To be called beloved. Sounds so trivial today. So run over and demolished. So tainted.

Helplessly I watch and wait, stranded in an ocean of uncertainty and loneliness, hoping for the light to find my boat. I cannot do anything, why? To do so would be distrust, or even detriment. I could lose all chance of the light finding me if I paddle on my own. I must be patient. I must wait. I must trust that my Lifegiver has a plan of providence.

A sigh escapes my lips. So many things I wish to change. Will I ever find satisfaction? Am I sinning to say I want change?

Lord, Father of life, nobody knows me like you do. Nobody does or ever will satisfy me like you do. Through my dissatisfaction you remain faithful.


How I can forget so great a love?

snow day

Today it snowed. It was incredible. I don't think I have ever seen snow on May 17th. I jumped out of bed and took the dogs for a walk to enjoy it before it melted!

I have been thinking seriously about transferring lately. It's not that I am totally dissatisfied with my current school, it's just that it is mediocre. I hate settling for less. when I know I could have more. Maybe this is a character flaw, I'm not sure. One of my main reasons for thinking about transferring is so that I could be more involved in art, as with my scholarships I am currently restricted. I would miss some very good friends that I have made, but I feel like I need to find a better fit. I need a school where I can be everything I am supposed to be, a school I can thrive at. I don't feel like that is happening now. I feel like I make the most of my situation, and I do for the most part enjoy my time. But there is so much more that I want and so much more adventure that I dream of.


Should I take what I have and try to be content? Or should I explore my possibilities?

With each choice comes risk.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

sachet of roses

I love writing, so my first post comes easily.

I am loving being home. I feel at peace, and as though everything is right with the world.
Perhaps it is the lack of responsibility that comes with independence that I am enjoying.
Although independence is sweet I wish for it in moderation, at least, for the time being.
Home gives me time to refresh and realign my priorities.

I began my summer employment today. I will be working in a small retail store. I am so thankful for a God who blesses the undeserving.

Being home has also given me lots of time for thought. Why am I in college? What do I hope to achieve there? And better yet, what do I hope to achieve in my lifetime? I have so many swirled dreams and ideas jumbled together I only pray they will make sense one day.

I dream of children, and flowers. I dream of finding true love, and never losing it. I dream of dancing in fields and laughing. I dream of a home, and finding the lost. I dream of a legacy, and a song of praise that never ends.

My dreams are as unique to me as my purpose from the One who made me.

Pride & Prejudice