{love, stargirl.}

{somehow different.}

Blogging is one of my favorite things to end the day with.

Today was one of those days that is really hard to explain, but also a day I will remember. You know, there's only so much time you can spend talking about thoughts and ideas before you have to actually make concrete changes - and today was a day for change.

What do we replace insecurity with? We replace it with dignity. In Proverbs 31 - one of the few passages directly speaking of a woman, it says, "She is clothed with strength, and dignity." (v.25) Dignity is realization of our significance, it is honor, it is awareness of how deeply loved we are - and it is marked with humility, not pride.

The beautiful thing about desiring to reclaim our dignity and strength is that we know beyond a shadow of doubt that God desires the same for us. In 1 John 5:14-15 He says, "This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us - whatever we ask- we know that we have what we asked of him." In some areas of our life God's will isn't obvious and so we pray for clarity - other things we can pray and claim knowing that it's almost as if we're turning in our token and receiving something that's already ours.

In Beth Moore's book, "So Long Insecurity, You've Been a Bad Friend", she encourages the reader to set aside half an hour to pray aloud a prayer that is written out and to fill in blanks with personal confession, desires, and acknowledgement. It was pretty intense, and I wish you all could have it in your hands now. I want to share the parts that spoke the loudest to me. The double underlined.

"You look beyond the point of my failure to the depth of my need.
Grant me insight into patterns I've developed, and give me answers that bring healing.
You know the complexities of my soul and that most of the time
I can't even figure myself out.
Forgive me for thinking pitifully little of the person You've made me.
Forgive me equally for every time I've sighed with relief at the thought that I might be superior after all.
I also ask You to pull up the roots of insecurity that were not my doing.
You know the rational origin of every irrational fear.
Empower me to forgive those who have let me down, failed to protect me, or inflicted injury upon me.
Help me to see them as needy, broken people in their own right, and where there is still life and opportunity, bring redemption.
Help me understand the gravity of this juncture: that if I do not seek healing and wholeness, I will instead end up perpetuating the cycle of injury.
Break the cycle with me, O Lord. Break the cycle with me.
You know how my feelings frighten me and how the enemy of my soul would have me believe that I will never be okay.
Make a liar out of him. Do not let him win. Do not let loss win.
Where I lost innocence, grant me integrity.
Where I lost a relationship, grant me true intimacy.
Where I lost a home, grant me an internal, unshakable sense of belonging.
Where I've held someone responsible for my loss, grant me the ability to forgive.
Don't stop until You've made a miracle of me.
You want to defy the odds in order to make Yourself conspicuous in me.
And Lord, where I've otherwise lapsed into self-adoration and self-centeredness instead, help me to recognize my narcissism and no longer tolerate it.
Of all things, please don't let it be said that I loved myself too much to fully love anybody else.
Please don't let me gain the world but lose my soul.
Help me to cease being so easily wounded, but at the same time, keep me from growing hardened.
Clothe me with strength and dignity.
Transform what drives me.
Quell what triggers me.
Make me a courageous woman in this harrowing culture.
Give me the discernment to call a lie a lie.
Make me the kind of woman a little girl could follow to dignity and security.
Help me to recognize that I've lost my dignity only because I surrendered it.
Empower me to claim it back and hang on to it with all my might.
Because of Your mercy Lord, I am no fool.
Only a wise woman shifts her trust to You."

I know it's just a book, and words written for a lot of people to read...but I'm not the same after that hour spent. Maybe those words will find the deep places of your soul, as they found mine.

Today as I was sitting in church I was thinking about my life here for the next year, and wondering if God has given me so many opportunities to travel just so my heart will one day settle somewhere. I cried when the plane landed coming back from Ireland, traveling doesn't usually deepen any patriotic feelings in me...but this time seems different. The driving desire in me to see the world is waning. I quite like the idea of one day living in an old farmhouse in the heartland of America. Somewhere with wide open spaces where the land is unending and the sky stretched over like a tent. A place I can call home and know I'm not moving anytime soon. There I would write, and write...to my heart's content.

inked.

So, I think I'm going to go for it. I've been wanting to get some tattoos it just hasn't been the right time. Caitrin, my friend, and neighbor here was telling me about the guy who she goes to for hers. He's Christian, which is cool, and he does a really good job for a reasonable price...so think I'm going to go there some time in the next three weeks with her and have it done. I'm pretty nervous about the pain...but I'm sure I'll live.

Because it's cheaper to get it all done at once I'm going to get two -
I want to get a bird beneath my clavicle bone - somewhat like this one, except over to the left more. And I think I want to try and get it done either in all brown ink, or brown with some color.

Then, I want the words "always be beloved", or "always the beloved" tattooed on the inside of my forearm (further down than this one) - in a script like this.

I haven't gone and done it yet, so I'm open to hearing thoughts. :)

{be, loved.}

I'm really grateful for those few close friends who know my soul and love me for it. Moving, and realizing in a very real sense that home, truly is where the heart is - has made me take a good look at the relationships in my life and what they mean to me. In Beth Moore's book she writes about how we so often dismiss truth spoken into our lives by other people - people God has strategically placed to remind us of our belovedness. We receive compliments as if they're pep talks or surface encouragement that is somehow invalidated because those people are only on the outside and don't see all the mess inside that we see everyday. We take their compliments as "kind" but we don't take them to heart. Learning to receive is a rare and wonderful quality. Receiving the goodness and the beauty other people see in us. Receiving grace without putting up excuses. Not being perfect, but being loved.

Also understanding that it's not in other people's words or thoughts that my belovedness is founded, only that through them my belovedness is often affirmed and revealed.

"When you know yourself as fully loved, you will be able to give according to the other's capacity to receive, and you will be able to receive according to the other's capacity to give. You will be grateful for what is given to you without clinging to it, and joyful for what you can give without bragging about it. You will be a free person, free to love." {Henri Nouwen, The Inner Voice of Love}

It's only when I love God more, that I can love others well.

And only when I let God love me more, that I will create room for others to love me well.

I stumbled upon these jewels today...the perfect purse for the avid book lover. Lovely, aren't they?


Also check out this wonderful find - www.outofprintclothing.com.

{wrap around porch}

Do you think this really happens?

Not love, I know that happens. Not perfect love, I know that doesn't happen. But, crazy love?

I just wonder if I'm holding out for something that doesn't exist.

{worth it.}

My prayer Sunday was this, that God would fight for me. That of all others who have let me down or have let me go, that He would be the one to find me, to seek me out. That I would know Him as brave. Brave enough to possess my heart.

Monday, I came across this verse - "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her." {Hosea 2:14}

For this year, that is the verse I claim. God has picked me up, pulled me from my security, and brought me to this place to be alone with Him. He is jealous for me.

"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience - but shouts in our pains." - C.S. Lewis
It's only been a week and God's already taught me so much...I have hope, because I can see Him.

Please let me tell you what He's teaching me, it's far too good to keep to myself. -

I have been listening to Francis Chan's sermons online and in one of the sermons he says that he "doesn't understand why love plays itself out differently in different relationships." It's so much easier to love people than God. He said he knows he loves God, he believes what the Bible says is true, he believes God loves him and wants a relationship with him. He knows prayer works and he believes there is goodness and blessing in seeking God. - And yet, he has a hard time giving the God he loves even twenty minutes of his day...why? I echoed those thoughts and felt realization hit me as he read the quote, "As a man prays, so he is." A.W. Tozer. No sort of revival or revolution has ever begun without prayer. Prayer will change me. Prayer will change how I see God. Prayer will build desire. This ties in to what I have been learning through Henri Nouwen's words, in "The Inner Voice of Love". Bear with me, I have no way of making this a short post.

"You have been speaking a lot about dying to old attachments in order to enter the new place, where God is waiting for you. But it is possible to end up with too many noes- no to your former way of thinking and feeling, no to human relationships that were once precious and life-giving. You are setting up a spiritual battle full of noes...The love that came to you in particular, concrete human friendshi[ps and that awakened your dormant desire to be completely and unconditionally loved was real and authentic. It does not have to be denied as dangerous and idolatrous. A love that comes through human beings is true, God-given love and needs to be celebrated as such...

When you try to die to that love in order to find God's love, you are doing something God does not want. The task is not to die to life-giving relationships but to realize that the love you received in them is part of a greater love. God has given you a beautiful self. There God dwells and loves you with the first love, which precedes all human love. You carry your own beautiful, deeply loved self in your heart. You can and must hold on to the truth of the love you were given and recognize that same love in others who see your goodness and love you. So stop trying to die to the particular real love you have received. Be grateful for it and see it as what enabled you to open yourself to God's first love."

I need the first love. I need to find the source of the "secondary" love I have received. The "secondary" loves in my life weren't wrong, or fake, I only let them replace the gap for the first love. They are fragments of the whole. I don't have to be wary of them, or wary of human love in my life being too big, too grand...or too deep...I only have to make sure my love with God is primary...nourishing the bigger, grander, deeper. It sounds basic, and the concept is - but the action is not. This is where I found the sermon from Francis Chan connecting to my desire to have a different relationship with God than the one I've had....pray. Pray incessantly. Prayer is the most intimate personal connection with the God who makes my world live and breathe. How did I miss the importance of prayer? Prayer isn't just a stagnant conversation, it is a means of change - it is action.

Really, it's just about falling in love. Francis Chan - "We all know lots of people who know lots about God, but how many who are in love with God?"

As I begin to let God change me He is revealing to me more of who I am. For so long I have struggled with knowing I have insecurity issues, but not knowing where they come from. So many times I have wracked my brain to think of an event that happened when I was a child, or when a lie I believed began...and every time I've come up with nothing. Or something that could work, but just doesn't seem to fit. It's impossibly frustrating because I so long to get to the root of it all because I want to be free.

In Beth Moore's book on insecurity I came across this stunning paragraph - and I found it. "You might know someone who has experienced the best life has to offer, yet is insecure...Sometimes it boils down to our most basic personal components: disposition and temperament. Although insecurity and sensitivity are not synonymous, people who are especially tenderhearted are significantly predisposed to insecurity. In other words, the more tenderhearted we are, the more vulnerable to insecurity we'll likely be. Some people take things harder and deeper to heart than others. It's not a matter of weakness. It's a matter of personal sensitivity. I don't know how it hits you, but identifying disposition as a possible contributor brought me significant relief and understanding. Even though my childhood abuse and unstable home offered ample ammunition for insecurity, I have come to the conclusion that, with my hypersensitive disposition, I probably would have battled it to some extent anyway. I feel everything. My joys are huge, and so are my sorrows. If I'm mad, I'm really mad, and if I'm despondent, I wonder how on earth I'l go on. Then I get up, pour some coffee, and move on to the next emotion and forget how depressed I was an hour ago. Most of the time my emotional nerve endings are exposed like live wires. I can't even see a smashed toad on the pavement without feeling sorry for it...

...God gave me this tender heart, and though I want to give up my chronic insecurity, I really do want to hang on to my heart, I like to feel. When I don't feel something, it's like being dead."

Wow. There it is. I am so anxious to continue reading and see how Beth tackles this balance of tenderheartedness and insecurity...I've never read anything that spoke for me so well on this issue. If you disagree with me say so, but I think that was hitting the nail on the head.

.
.

I went running in the rain today. Running is hard, but so rewarding. As I ran, I prayed and I felt God's tremendous joy like the sheets of rain soaking me to the skin. As I circled back and entered the Carey Park driveway I was sweaty and exhausted, but I felt so strong. It's like each day I grow a little stronger inside. I let Jesus speak and I begin to believe that I am worth wanting, I am worth loving, liking, pursuing, fighting for, and - even keeping. Yeah, I really am.

This is a time for me to embrace the silence, to embrace the loneliness, to embrace heart ache - for out of the deepest pain comes the sweetest fruit.

If I could be a month, I’d be November.

If I could be a day of the week, I'd be Friday.

If I could be a time of day, I’d be 11 p.m.

If I could be a planet, I’d be the Moon.

If I could be a sea animal, I’d be a mermaid.


If I could be a direction, I’d be right.

If I could be a piece of furniture, I'd be a porch swing.


If I could be a liquid, I’d be mango juice.

If I could be a gemstone, I’d be a pearl.

If I could be a tree, I’d be a willow.

If I could be a tool, I’d be a saw.

If I could be a flower, I’d be a quince blossom.

If I could be a kind of weather, I’d be a Summer thunderstorm with lots of lightning.

If I could be a musical instrument, I’d be a violin.

If I could be a color, I’d be pale turquoise.

If I could be an emotion, I’d be surprise.

If I could be a fruit, I’d be a raspberry.

If I could be a sound, I’d be laughter.

If I could be an element, I’d be fire.

If I could be a car, I wouldn't be - I'd be a motorcycle.

If I could be a food, I'd be frosting.

If I could be a place, I’d be a cave - by the sea.

If I could be a material, I’d be cotton eyelet.

If I could be a taste, I’d taste like summer.


If I could be a scent, I’d be the perfect mixture of woodsmoke, old books, roses, and rain.

If I could be an object, I'd be love letters.


If I could be a body part, I’d be eyes.

If I could be a facial expression, I’d be a wink.

If I could be a song, I’d be Hallelujah, sung by Jeff Buckley.

If I could be a pair of shoes, I wouldn't have any.

.

I stole this idea from Keisha - I thought it was fun. And don't worry, I do know my planets. :)

{honest}

Okay.

Transparent, right? So, time to confess that I have cried myself to sleep every single night of this week. No, not cried...sobbed.

I'm not as brave as everyone thinks I am.

{.}

"You must be someone who knows who she is and how she fits into the world - who needs no one but God to make her a whole person."

Afton.

An eventful day. Meet endearing little Afton. He is ten weeks old and just beginning to get used to his new home. He makes me really happy.

Along with adopting Afton I had the new experience of learning to drive on the left side of the road! It was pretty awesome, and I'm ready to do it again tomorrow!

More highlights of the day included -

Buying herbs for the kitchen, and potted flowers for my sunshine-filled windows.

Going rock climbing at a place near by and tackling three tough climbs. The place was sweet-az. (They say that term a LOT here).

And...spending the evening having an amazing dinner with some of my new friends here. I tried some authentic NZ white wine...and really wanted to like it, but wine is too bitter for my liking...I'm such a girl and prefer really sweet and fruity drinks.

If I wasn't so exhausted, I'd write more...but I'm beat. I'm working the weekend to learn how to lead weekend groups, so busy two days ahead.

{tin roof rain}

I think rain has a really lonely sound to it. It's also one of my favorite sounds.

Today was not the best of days. I woke up feeling sick and super tired, and by the end of the day I was really trying not to be homesick, but I was. I guess that's what they call culture shock. Body, mind and heart, all in it together. Skyping friends made it all a lot better.

After telling Susan my woes of just how deathly boring it is to cook for me, myself and I - and how I'd rather just be lazy, she quipped, "You don't need a damn man to cook, get up and go make yourself some food!"...haha (pardon the wording, but I found it appropriate to the quote.) With a disgruntled sigh, I did my best and tried tuna with crackers...only to feel like I was eating cat food. So, here I sit with another bowl of Weet-bix cereal. Yum. Nothing quite like it, says the sarcasm.

I should probably tell you what my job's like, since that's why I'm here. Basically the camp has schools come in and the schools bring their own teachers & parents to help. There is a small staff and I am part of the activities leadership. I share an office with two others and we are responsible for training the teachers & parents to run activities for the week. (unlike American camps where the counselors do it all). Today I instructed them in the challenge course and the poles and planks activity. There's a variety of things. That's the first thing we do in the morning. Then, there are three activities that have to be taught by instructors - those are rock climbing, kayaking, and abseiling (rappelling). I am being trained in each of these three with more intensity. I have to observe them each, instruct under evaluation, and practice the activities on my own. This week I began with the rock climbing, it was pretty easy to catch on to...(who knew helping with harnesses at family camp would pay off one day?)...I taught & led my first session today, and did two of my twenty climbs. Tomorrow we're going to another rock climbing gym to do more of my climbs. I'm enjoying the job for the most part because I like teaching, and I also want to become better at each of those activities. It's a bit nerve wracking knowing I am responsible for the safety of so many children, but it's also fun to watch them learn. We also have three special camp weeks that I will be running with another lady during the year - two kids camps and a teen camp...I'm not sure what these will be like but I know they will have a very different format. One thing that surprises me a lot is that here we train the parents & teachers to run the zip line...it was a bit shocking to me how low key they are with that. But, I guess that's just one of those cultural differences maybe. Camp here is both similar and different, so far I like all the differences...it's more manageable to have more of a hands-off approach to things...instead of living and breathing camp life. At the end of the day I enjoy going back to my house, or going out for a run.

Sorry, that was long...and probably somewhat boring, but I knew some of you would be interested to hear details.

Today I finally got hot water. I almost cried I was so happy. Tonight I'm taking a long hot shower, reading some Beth Moore, and getting some early rest. One thing about waking up at 6 am every morning is that you take advantage of getting to bed as soon as you can (without being completely pathetic).

I'm thrilled about the weekend because we're going to the beach in Piha again (maybe some surfing!), and there's a lovely farmer's market up the road Saturday morning where I'm going to go grocery shopping.

Please keep writing & messaging...you don't know just how wonderful it is to wake up to an inbox full of friends.

{let love win.}

"And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair."
{Mumford & Sons, After the Storm}

I had a friend of mine quote that to me not too long ago. Without saying much at all, he said exactly the right thing at the right time.

I'm learning to trust God with the little things. The simple things. Sometimes I feel like we share a secret when I tell Him about something and then He makes it happen or He brings just that thing across my path. Little things He knows will make me happy. It makes me feel really loved by Him, and that He delights in me.

It's harder for me to trust Him with the big things. I don't feel so loved when I think about those things. I feel forgotten. I feel like a child who has been dropped off at preschool, given all these bright toys, then just left to be picked up later when it's time to go somewhere else. All my physical needs have been met, exceedingly so, but my insides still ache. It feels like the things that matter the most to my heart mean nothing to Him, or that He's just decided not to be a part. That's when I begin to feel like maybe I don't really know Him at all, because I don't understand.

I hurt with the answers I do not have, and the pain I cannot help. Listening to my friends I wish I had more to offer than my own questions and doubts. And more than anything I wish I could stand in their place. I wish I was the one who had those bruises from the boy who hurt her. Inside and out. I wish I was the one with the difficulty breathing. I wish I could wear the long sleeve shirts for her in the summer heat, the ones that cover her scars. I wish I was the only one who could hear the scornful words that deepen his bitterness. Not because I am some superhuman, but because I hate it. In reality I have nothing of myself to give. I too have my own demons to wrestle. All I can offer are - words of life from the source of Truth - another voice joining them in pleading for help - and grace. Grace that creates for them a space to just be. To be honest, to be loved, and to be imperfect. That means being vulnerable myself and allowing my time of "not yet" to be a transparent journey of mistakes and learning that points away from me, and anything I know, to the God I barely understand.

How much easier it is to hope and believe for others.

I want more of God. And when time and time again I fail miserably in my attempts to seek Him, I want to keep wanting.

Living with the "not yet."

"You complain that it is hard for you to pray, to experience the love of Jesus. But Jesus dwells in your fearful, never fully received self. When you befriend your true self and discover that it is good and beautiful, you will see Jesus there. Where you are most human, most yourself, weakest, there Jesus lives. Bringing your fearful self home is bringing Jesus home.

As long as your vulnerable self does not feel welcomed by you, it keeps so distant that it cannot show you its true beauty and wisdom. Thus, you survive without really living.

Try to keep your small, fearful self close to you. This is going to be a struggle, because you have to live for a while with the "not yet." Your deepest, truest self is not yet home. It quickly gets scared. Since your intimate self does not feel safe with you, it continues to look for others, especially those who offer it some real, though temporary, consolation. But when you become more childlike, it will no longer feel the need to dwell elsewhere. It will begin to look to you as home.

Be patient. When you feel lonely, stay with your loneliness. Avoid the temptation to let your fearful self run off. Let it teach you its wisdom; let it tell you that you can live instead of just surviving. Gradually you will become one, and you will find that Jesus is living in your heart and offering you all you need." {Henri Nouwen, The Inner Voice of Love}

{holes}

wings pinned to cork
house without floors
holes in the chinking
beautiful carcass
of a living thing

1. I met the staff today, they are so kind.

2. I went for a run in the rain, it was exhilarating.

3. I can't stop listening to "The Decemberists".

4. It costs $25 to go to a movie here. Life is expensive.

5. "An enormous space had been opened that could not be filled by the one who had opened it." Henri Nouwen writes in a sentence what I waste pages on.

6. I tried candy today called "wine gums", I quite enjoyed them...and maybe they were supper...oops. I miss you Mum.

7. I put together a bookshelf backwards today. Then took it apart to put it together again. Sometimes the idea of having a husband isn't such a bad thought.

8. We watched "Blindside" and Sandra Bullock's character has become my new aspiration. I cried. I've really got to stop doing that.

9. I don't have hot water yet. Washing my hair in the kitchen sink with boiled water though, was a surprisingly soothing experience.

10. More facts I've learned from Beth. "Insecurity is most often covered up by perfection." and, "Insecurity lives in constant terror of loss." Could I just snip those ones from the book and paste them on my wall? Or maybe my forehead?

11. "And it was not your fault, but mine." -Mumford & Sons

{glorified}

Too many times I come to God with a list of heartaches and woes, completely self-absorbed. Tonight was no exception. Overtired and overwhelmed with emotions from all the change happening I wanted to turn right around, fly back to America, sit at home on my bed and just weep. I don't like being out of control, and I don't like leaving people I love...but if I stay within a box of comfort my whole life, how can I say I'm trusting God?

Someone once told me that men and women are like a chest of drawers. Men can open one drawer and keep "work" in there, then shut it to open another drawer where they keep "home life"...but women, they have one drawer and that drawer holds everything and if one thing is affected - so is everything else. I feel like I've got a lot going on in my "drawer". A lot of things God has been bringing to my attention, some decisions to make, some hurts to tend to, and some challenges to conquer.

First, let me share with you some amazing things I am learning from a book I bought - Beth Moore's autobiography of sorts, "So Long Insecurity, You've Been A Bad Friend." This book has me captivated. Here are some of the quotes I underlined, twice.

"You and I have to come to a place where we stop handing people the kind of power only God should wield over us."

"No person on earth can love you perfectly enough to mend a tear in the crimson fabric of your soul."

"In your pursuit of God-vested security, the only relationships in your life that will suffer rather than improve are the significantly unhealthy ones."

"We can be so blessed in certain relationships that our unrealistic expectations often seem met and, therefore, reasonable. We can get away with thinking we're secure people because, for a time, we have the important things just like we want them. But then change happens, and suddenly we are thrown for a severe emotional loop. We realize we weren't secure. We were spoiled."

"The fact that she can be a complicated mix of confidence and self-consciousness is the very reason it took me so long to identify it in myself and admit it."

"I not only lack security, I also lack faith. I don't just doubt myself, I also doubt God about myself."

I wish I had heard these words a lot sooner in my life. But, perhaps I wouldn't have taken such note of them before.

In honesty and with courage I am going to place my security where it belongs, whether it means reading this book over and over, or finding a thousand other books on the topic...I'm bound and determined to see the end of this.

Secondly, I need to give you an update on my Kiwi-lifestyle. That's what New Zealanders are called, Kiwis. Today I tried fruit I couldn't pronounce, I went for a hike in the rainforest/bush, skyped with Susan (which made me teary), cleaned & set up house, made a fast new friend named Katherine, went to a fantastic church service at a Vineyard church, and afterwards went out with some people and had a great veggie burger with sweet potato fries. It was a rollercoaster day. And I am EXHAUSTED...but also addicted to this dear little blog.

I have to share words from a song we sang in church -

Lord I come into your Holy place.
Stand in awe, of your cleansing grace.
Who am I, that you would care for me?
I glorified the one who died for me.

{Glorified :: Parachute Band}

Mm. It felt good to reconnect with God.

Thirdly, I covet your prayers as I am realizing stepping into this job is going to require me really stretching myself. I am in a much bigger leadership position than I realized and it's going to take a lot from me. I'm excited because it means growth, but nervous because I am still working on that insecurity stuff, you know.

Also I'm already experiencing some heart-sickness...(that's what I call homesickness for friends)...I don't want to lose contact with you all, so your messages, comments, etc...really do mean the world to me.

Okay, goodnight for now. I'm leaving you with a list of the books currently by my bedside -

{just once.}

::After The Storm : Mumford & Sons::

shopping therapy.

New Zealand adventures call for a shopping spree, of course. I thought I would have fun and show you some of the things I bought - a mini wardrobe tour...and me just being kind of silly. :)
Raincoat! Of course!

Some new shorts and a sweater from Gap. Perfect.

Best jeans ever...and a cozy sweater to keep me warm in the New Zealand winter months!

Shopping does my heart such a world of good.

Watch with me, the changing sky.

God is so good, He is so kind, and He is so gentle with me.

I cannot explain to you just how awe-struck I am by what He is preparing for me. His timing is perfect, and if I am up for anything that He may want...well...He takes me to places like New Zealand.

It makes me think back to Ireland and just how much I needed that at that time in my life. Ireland was a place I grew into myself more, built great friendships, and found God in the quiet places. My heart was covered by a balm of hope, beauty and peace. I was inspired to write. I was surrounded by rose gardens. Wisdom was poured into my life by the professors I came to love.

Then this last semester, I prayed for relationships, new friends to make school a happy place to be. Wow, did God take me up on that one. I became friends with people I feel I have known for years. Encouraged and affirmed, the semester was full of laughter and unforgettable adventures. Star-gazing. Van rides. Dancing. The list goes on.

Now, New Zealand. Returning, in a way, to my roots. The blonde-haired beach bum I never got to be growing up in America. No problem arises that God does not override. Plane ticket? Paid. Passport? Paid, shipped early, and gifted with special time with my Dad. House? Ready for my stay...french press coffee maker, groceries bought according to my preferences, new furniture, fresh linens. Computer? A macbook already there for my personal use. And the thing that really gets me? Broken heart? A boss who understands more than a lot of people ever could, and has only deepest compassion and the desire to see me grow.

God? Yeah...He loves me a lot. Sometimes it makes me feel embarrassed by just how good He is to me.

{dead.}

We built a tall, tall tower
Towards the sun, towards the sun
Took some words and built a wall
And called it love, called it love

And somewhere in all the talking
The meaning faded out

Oh, I wonder
When did it all stop making sense?
I don't understand
I remember we were so sure, so innocent
Oh, but that was then
Can we ever go back again?
Can we ever go back?

You're speaking a dead, dead language
You don't sound like yourself
I hope its just lost in translation
So why don't you show? Don't try to tell

And brick by brick we started crumbling
Will I find you when it falls?

Don't hold your breath
Look around
Try to add it up
Pin it down
But you can't

{Joy Williams: Speaking A Dead Language}

{bones.}

My heart feels weighted down.

This weekend has been a weekend of many goodbyes. I don't think about it. I cannot. We hug. I say the words. They don't see my face when I turn to walk away with my eyes squeezed shut. They don't see inside me when the ache in my chest widens.

Along with goodbyes I have found what a desperate state I am in. Today as I sat through church, occasionally hearing the words, I realized just how empty my heart has become. Sin has been on my mind, sin I committed...sin I thoroughly enjoyed. I sat there trying my hardest to conjure up some feelings of remorse, or even conviction...and I couldn't. I know I was wrong, why do I not care? Do I really have no understanding of the cross? Does it mean nothing to me? Am I creating a religion I like and calling it Christianity? This is not something I was just thinking about today, it has been plaguing me all weekend. My relationship with God feels nothing but stale. I'm tired. My head aches from banging it against the wall between me and Him. I want to be carried. I have been relying on friends to carry me from day to day to get through the week...is that alright? If I stay busy, I won't think. If I pretend to feel nothing, I won't. If my heart is already broken, it can't break. These are the things I tell myself. Because, I don't know what else to do. After a year of what has seemed like constant pain, I want it to stop.

{truth} in...

9 {days}

Today it became a little more real.

Today consists of:
Picnic
Packing
Pancake Party
...oh yeah...and finals...

{deep} joy

It's time to say goodbye.

I began the packing process today. As I sorted through the abundance of things I have, I easily began tossing out decorations, bedding, dishes, and other assorted things I at one time "had to have"...but when it came to the old worn out notes, gifts and photos, I couldn't bring myself to neglect any of them. Because really, it is not all the "stuff" I own that matters...it is the little pieces of hearts I've collected...little pieces of my own heart I have given. It's the same when sorting through memories. I cannot remember test scores or grades on papers...but I can tell you all about pranks played, fears overcome, and all sorts of "first" things. I can tell you all about the people I love, and the people who have loved me. Sadness creeps in when I think of letting go...but I know that I cannot experience the fullness of what is to come without leaving some things here. God has always proven to be good. He is always loving. It's not this one time thing of, "God loves me" instead it is - I am involved in a continuous process of being loved by God. Active love. Poured out and abundant - guiding - love. Object of His desire.

I will be okay. The relationships that are meant to last, will. The memories that matter won't be forgotten. The pain only runs as deep as the joy did.

We fall in love with the things that make us feel most alive.

"We laughed and laughed, together and separately, out loud and silently, we were determined to ignore whatever needed to be ignored, to build a new world from nothing if nothing in our world could be salvaged, it was one of the best days of my life, a day during which I lived my life and didn’t think about my life at all." -J.Foer