Monday, February 15, 2010

Today was such a strange day. I had one of those dreams last night. You know, the ones that make you wish you'd never closed your eyes? I couldn't seem to shake it all day. However, the day was seemingly redeemed by good friends, mangoes, an hour in my favorite library corner, and P90X. (My legs are going to be sore tomorrow!)

Throughout the strangeness of the day, I was reflecting on how life is so completely unpredictable. I caught myself looking back at blog posts from a year ago, and old journal entries to match the date. How things have changed. The irony is almost laughable. I don't know what God wants from me right now. I've been on a forty day journey, today is the tenth day. It's been both hard and rewarding at the same time. The journey has many different specifics, maybe I can tell you more about it when I'm done.

I was thinking the other day (with graduation soon approaching the future has been on my mind a lot)...I don't really care anymore where I live, I don't really care to get married, there isn't a specific job I long to have...I just want to take care of people. Maybe it's from a selfish desire to feel needed, or maybe it's an effort to make all the crappy memories and mistakes in my life mean something...I don't know. I feel like I'm always the one being cared for...I want God to start giving me lots of opportunities to meet other people's needs. Maybe, it just requires me taking a better look around.

I found this old prayer that I really like, written by Thomas Merton -

My Lord God,
I have no idea where I am going
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself,
And the fact that I think I am following
your will does not mean that I am
actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please
you does in fact please you.
And I hope that I have that desire in all
that I am doing.
And I know that if I do this, you
will lead me by the right road
though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore will I trust you always
though I may seem to be lost
and in the shadow of death, I will
not fear, for you are ever with me
and you will never leave me
to face my perils alone.

2 comments:

sadutt said...

Grace. you are so cool. I'm blessed to have the opportunity to get to (finally) know you =)

and what a honest and raw prayer. way to be.

Richie said...

Thanks for always being so honest in your blogs Grace: I truly think God uses it to speak things to your readers that they would never hear otherwise. I love how that prayer alludes to the 23rd Psalm... God's presence in adversity is sometimes the only thing that makes it bearable... I think you're talented at ministering to others Grace; that is a wonderful goal to have as well. Loving God and people are really all we should be concerned with as Christians... Everything else should take second priority.