new year.

 

2012

 

I'm expecting you to be absolutely wonderful.

.

 

"I am dark, but lovely."

Song of Solomon 1:5 

reoccuring wanderlust.

 When I think of all the places I still want to travel...

My mind starts racing and my heart starts dreaming.

There's so much beauty still to see.

Give me a backpack and let me see the world.

 

23.

 

Roses, everywhere...

 

Sparkling-clean house to come home to...

 

Jon's cake-creation...

  

More and more flowers!

 

 Beautiful lights...

 

Olive Garden - yumminess?

 

 And...my cute little baby!

.

It was a birthday to be remembered!

I feel so very fortunate...

Thank you friends, for a beautiful birthday.

Thank you God, for beautiful friends.

.

 

These words find a place I cannot explain. Alive and painful all in one, they are strikingly beautiful. And their incapability to be explained, is what only makes them only more beautiful. 

That's the way I'd like to write.

We’re all born to broken people on their most honest day of living

and since that first breath... We’ll need grace that we’ve never given

I've been haunted by standard red devils and white ghosts

and it's not only when these eyes are closed

these lies are ropes that I tie down in my stomach,

but they hold this ship together tossed like leaves in this weather

and my dreams are sails that I point towards my true north,

stretched thin over my rib bones, and pray that it gets better

but it won’t won’t, at least I don’t believe it will...

so I've built a wooden heart inside this iron ship,

to sail these blood red seas and find your coasts.

don’t let these waves wash away your hopes

this war-ship is sinking, and I still believe in anchors

pulling fist fulls of rotten wood from my heart, I still believe in saviors

but I know that we are all made out of shipwrecks, every single board

washed and bound like crooked teeth on these rocky shores

so come on and let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief

and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach

come on and sew us together, tattered rags stained forever

we only have what we remember

I am the barely living son of a woman and man who barely made it

but we’re making it taped together on borrowed crutches and new starts

we all have the same holes in our hearts...

everything falls apart at the exact same time

that it all comes together perfectly for the next step

but my fear is this prison... that I keep locked below the main deck

I keep a key under my pillow, it’s quiet and it’s hidden

and my hopes are weapons that I’m still learning how to use right

but they’re heavy and I’m awkward...always running out of fight

so I’ve carved a wooden heart, put it in this sinking ship

hoping it would help me float for just a few more weeks

because I am made out of shipwrecks, every twisted beam

lost and found like you and me scattered out on the sea

so come on let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief

and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach

come on and sew us together, just some tattered rags stained forever

we only have what we remember

My throat it still tastes like house fire and salt water

I wear this tide like loose skin, rock me to sea

if we hold on tight we’ll hold each other together

and not just be some fools rushing to die in our sleep

all these machines will rust I promise, but we'll still be electric

shocking each other back to life

Your hand in mine, my fingers in your veins connected

our bones grown together inside

our hands entwined, your fingers in my veins braided

our spines grown stronger in time

because are church is made out of shipwrecks

from every hull these rocks have claimed

but we pick ourselves up, and try and grow better through the change

so come on y'all and let’s wash each other with tears of joy and

tears of grief

and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach

come on and sew us together, were just tattered rags stained forever

we only have what we remember

red.

I noticed this photo the other day on a blog, and couldn't get away from just how lovely it is. I'm not sure what it is that draws me so much to the woman in the photo...maybe it's her curly hair springing every which way -  her bright red flowered shirt, or maybe the fact that her name is "Star". Everything about her appearance suggests that she lives life, free as a bird. Winsome and bright. I don't know what it would take for me to let go of the worries and thoughts that often grip so tightly to my mind. I would love to make just one decision and watch my life transform from it's overly contemplative state to an always hopeful spirit.

When I stepped into God's presence last night, during the music as it played...he took my hand - and we ran. The sky was white, the field was knee high with golden grass...and all we did, was run. The breeze whipped around me, and my heart felt light. As the music changed, he pulled me up short and with one arm held above my head, he twirled me and we danced. I laughed.

"Majesty" the words expanded, and burst. "His grace has found me just as I am."

"Just a few more minutes with you please..." I pleaded, "Just a few more..."

"Let's do this again soon" He said in his warm voice.

A break, and the music changed again. The perfect song for the perfect moment. I lifted my head with the biggest smile across my face. "I've finally found where I belong...I've finally found where I belong, in your presence...I've finally found where I belong, Lord...To be with you, to be with you" The words never truer. This place with him, this place where I am truly myself. Where nothing else exists to furrow my brow. Only laughter, and deep soul-filling joy. "I am my Beloved's and He is mine" the lyrics broke into my state of mind and looking up at him, my mouth filled with the words, "So come into your garden and take delight in me...take delight in me..delight in me, delight in me..." Saying it again wasn't enough, again, again. "Delight in me...God delight in me."

I'm desperate for Him to change me. Desperate to be His delight.

{what really matters}

this video is a must see...

...

 

I'm learning that love is a lot less about emotions, and a lot more about choice. Choosing to love, is choosing to love the good, the bad, and everything in-between. Choosing to love, is choosing to 

put yourself second not first. 

{ }

 

Sometimes what we want, 

isn't what we need.

.

I'm trying to let go.

Gracie.

I miss being a little girl sometimes. 

I was the chubbiest little three year old - with dimples, rosy cheeks, 

and a hearty laugh that would have made anyone laugh.

The naivety,  the fearlessness, the love for the little things...

simple. It was simple to be young. 

I'd do anything to erase the years of experiences, pains, realizations...to go back to that season of a carefree soul. 

But the truth is, I wouldn't know what I had - I didn't know it then - if I erased everything I've been through since then, I would have no point of comparison. 

I wonder if I am doing that now in my life...

...not realizing what I have.

I want to see it.

I want to re-awaken to the beauty of living. 

{always} changing

 

So this is me, sitting in my new office.

I'm the new Graphic Designer at JBU, and so far I'm loving it. 

More than I ever expected loving an 8-5 - complete with cubicle - job.

{Hooray!}

Here's to, new beginnings and a fresh season of growing. 

{I'm excited to see what God's got in mind.}

{.}

It's a grey and rainy day, but a day so full of promise.

uncovered.

 

I want it to be His beauty, that remains.

foreign to a dreaming heart.

I want to learn to be content with where I am.

love where I'm at.

&

live wholeheartedly in the present.

pancakes.

pancakes.

possibly my favorite staple food.

Adele.

possibly my new favorite musician.

Susan.

definitely. one of my favorite people.

the combination today - excellent.

Pancakes bring back all sorts of memories for me. Saturday mornings waking up to Mum working hard to make enough for five hungry children. New Zealand, living on my own and making them nearly every night due to my nearly non-existent cooking skills. Sitting in the kitchen today having them once again, it amazed me to think of how everything has changed in such a short time. My whole life looks different. God is so good, and I am so thankful.

the knot to undo.

Sometimes it seems like the biggest threat to a relationship you're in

...is yourself.

I promise.

I'll let go of the gripping fears.

I'll forget the calendar dates.

the ones that set the paranoia deeper.

I'll close my eyes.

I'll let it be just me and you.

But baby, I'll always be a work in progress.

soon, but not yet.

One day I'll be who I was meant to be.

When the "not yet" portion of God's kingdom is brought into fruition,

 things will no longer be such a shade of grey. 

His glory seen clearly in comparison to my depravity. 

Nothing else will matter quite so much.

Romans 7:21-25

"So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me 

through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

.

My soul is weary from the constant wrestling of heart and flesh. 

Oh for the day I breathe without restraint.

worth it.

{ }

 

  I don't always want to, 

but I'm working to make the best of 

what this is. 

what I've got. 

what I am. 

.

I just want to live, to love.

.

discipline

life goal: to find a bridge across the gap between how things are - and how they should be.

answer: Jesus.

There seem to be these really poignant times in my life where I am smacked rather rudely with the reality of my own messiness. (we could use another word here).

fact: life is hard.

question: what will we do with it?

I need a good kick in the behind from God. (I said this to a friend, then rather timidly looked up and added - "Oh! - A gentle one that is, please." You have to be careful what you ask for.)

I've been feeling generally unmotivated lately. Overwhelmed with the ways I'm failing to balance my life. Failing to spend the time I need with God. Not wanting to face up to the things I know Him and I need to tackle. Feeling like I can't live up to the expectations of friendships. 

short story: things need to change.

the beginning: a new habit of prayer

thank goodness He's always loved me in my darkest times.

...

"Your arms are long enough to reach
and Your eyes are sharp enough to see

When I'm outrunning you,

You're out running for me."

sea salt.

I have days of missing Maine.

the lighthouses.

the coast.

the seafood.

the summer camping months.

One day, I'll take my children there.

let it be true.

I want to love you more than I do.

.

{I can't seem to pray much more than that.}

repeat. 

repeat.