control.

So my little sister and I had a heart-to-heart conversation the other night. And in a very tactful and gentle way she told me that she thinks I have a problem with being over controlling. I was sort of struck. Yes, Grace, you have faults. Ha. But in all seriousness, I guess I never realized that struggling to be in control of everything in my life could be the root problem of so many things. It can be oppressive in other people's lives that I am a part of, and frankly, downright suffocating. I think my sister was able to see clearly something I was pretty blind to. She began to take the issues I had shared with her and show me how each of those things had been, and was being, affected by my desire for control. It was pretty humbling, to say the least. But at the same time...pretty awesome. She wanted to pray with me - and so there we both lay in bed, with my quilt, and she held my hand and prayed with me. How incredible is that? To have a thirteen year old sister who listens to you, pushes you, and prays with you? I feel really blessed. I also can see really clearly now some areas I have to work on. And wow, what an incredible peace I found from praying and saying, "God I trust you with the outcome of these things...and I release my grip of control." It's exciting, an adventure...and everything may not turn out as I would like it to...but at least I can be confident in saying it turned out the way God intended it to because I gave it over to Him and didn't try to get in the way. He is good to me and slowly He's taking my conceited, shallow heart and claiming it as His.


It seems quite elementary, and yet such a basic thing can be so quickly overlooked.

can't quit it.

"Some people fight for love. They stick with it, just can't quit it."

I want to be someone who fights for love...in relationships...in caring for my family...for the homeless person on the street...

"The beauty of His will in place of the ashes of my dreams."

{merry christmas}

m.f.e.o.

I had never seen Sleepless in Seattle before, so I rented it, and watched it with my sisters. - And of course, I loved it.

I want to be an independent, responsible...adult...but I'm not very good at it.

Ted.

I love my quilt. It goes everywhere with me. (The boys named it Ted for me...why?...who knows...jealous probably.) It was with me when summer ended and life was changing, it went with me to Ireland - perfect for star-gazing nights and quiet mornings by the lake. It kept me warm on the long flight home, it has been with me through sadness and joy, through thick and thin...and even though it's just some tattered scraps sewn together...I find so much comfort and safety in it's familiarity.

Tomorrow I go home. More change...here I come.


Sidenote: I haven't been able to stop listening to "Galway Girl".

living grace.

A thousand times I've failed, still His mercy remains.

live.

"Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air."

{Ralph Waldo Emerson}

I feel the need for You.

I know I need You
I need to love You
I love to see You, but it's been so long
I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
And I need to hear You, is that so wrong?

Now You pull me near You
When we're close, I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell You, all that I've done
Are You done forgiving?
Oh can You look past my pretending?
Lord, I'm so tired of defending, what I've become
What have I become?

I hear You say,
"My love is over. It's underneath.
It's inside. It's in between.
The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel.
The times that you question, 'Is this for real? '
The times you're broken.
The times that you mend.
The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend.
Well, My love is over, it's underneath.
It's inside, it's in between.
These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks.
The times that you feel like you're falling from grace..."

{Tenth Avenue North :: Times}

Listen Here.


John 7:38 "Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him."

violin

I really want to learn to play.

hunger for permanence.

Lately I have found myself longing for permanence in relationships. I struggle to invest time if I know someone isn't going to be friends with me for more than a season. Is it just a female trait, to hunger for intimate life-long friendships (The Philia friendship C.S. Lewis describes so well)? This desire for permanence doesn't just pertain to relationships either, it's felt with situations and experiences as well. It's this feeling of yearning for the fireworks to never fade, Christmas to never end, laughter to overtake the sobs, and beautiful memories to never reach the point of becoming a memory.

I have so much fear wrapped up in thoughts of losing close friendships I have with people that I love. I look at experiences past and see failed friendships and I begin projecting that same disappointment onto my current relationships as if it's inevitable. Time can often separate people, as can changes in situations. (Ireland). I feel as though I am in a battle, straining against all sorts of obstacles...pulling and struggling to hold onto my relationships and hold onto intimacy - while slowly all sense of control is slipping out from underneath my feet, like sand.

It's when I come to this point of utter helplessness that I finally give into the only hope I have, and that is the reassurance, that all of my amazing friendships that have lasted until this point have lasted not because of convenience, or situations, or anything of my own doing, but only as has been confirmed time and time again, by God's purposeful planning. So in prayer I lift up to Him all of my worries, concerns and anxiety and daily renew my trust that He will continue loving me by surrounding me with the people I need most.

And with the incredible experiences that come to an end, I hold tightly to the truth in C.S. Lewis' words - "If I discover within myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."

I like this little guy. :)

It's been so great to catch up with friends. God cares for me a lot...and He's making that really obvious to me this week.

Thank you.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." {Philippians 4:6-7}

coming back.

This is hard...harder than I thought it would be.

"The books or the music in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust to them; it was not in them, it only came through them,and what came through them was longing. These things—the beauty, the memory of our own past—are good images of what we really desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself they turn into dumb idols,breaking the hearts of their worshippers. For they are not the thing itself; they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never yet visited." {C.S. Lewis}

Ireland.

How do I begin to put words to my feelings? Words don't exist to describe how amazing this time in my life has been. Part of my heart will break leaving Ireland...and my Finaghy Family has become so dear to me. Goodbyes always hurt. But...only from having loved, and been loved.

nothing else.

{ }

"The invariable mark of wisdom is to see the miraculous in the common." {Ralph Waldo Emerson}

pink birthday candles.

It's finals week. I am swamped.

I have a confession. Guilty pleasure...Black Eyed Peas, "Meet Me Halfway".

Anyone who knows me knows my music taste is interesting. :) But I don't care.

Yesterday I had a wonderful birthday. We dressed up and ate at the "oh so posh" Villa Italia...good friends...good food. Then we came back and I had the most beautiful birthday cake! It was two tiers, tiffany blue, with pink roses and pretty tea light candles around it. Oh man. Gorgeous. THEN we had a phenomenal dance party. Oh yes. We did swing dancing, we waltzed, we did the electric slide, you name it...we did it. It got a little crazy after about three hours of non-stop dancing...but I loved it. It was a time for us all to forget about school and party hard. So far being twenty-one is a lot of fun. :) I've got a feeling it's going to be a great year.

[ 21 ]

Twenty years

Youth in bloom
Maturity in it's waking
Year spent giving
Year spent taking

Twelve months imprinted
Seemingly wiser than last
Some innocence lost
Some milestones passed

Making of a woman
Dangerous at best
That searing first kiss
That love confessed

Twenty-twenty hindsight
That's what they say
To know pain as companion
To have dreams swept away

Beauty found despair
Amidst all the rubble
Though scars remain
Though emotions still juggle

Loved by her Father
Grace a well fitted name
He fought for her heart
He carried all shame

Breathtaking adventures
He gave her delights
Journey brought healing
Journey restored hope to sight

In one short chapter
She learned, and learned well
Only one knows her best
Only in Him does life dwell

The years will add quickly
Colorful plans in the making
Grand visions in fashion
Grand hopes of heart's aching

Her heart is secure
His arms hold her tight
Twenty-one is only the start
Twenty-one is a beautiful chapter to write.

Those hands threw the stars into place.

I stood there, in the courtyard. Today it was strange. The birds flew by overhead in a V formation, just as they did before I left for Ireland. There was bright, thick paint on the tiles beneath me and I began spreading it with my hands, painting with my fingers, at His feet. The colors swirled together and the watery paint splashed all over me, covering my hands. He held out His hand to me, it too was covered in paint. I held my hand up to His, as if measuring the size of it to His. His hand was rough, and strong, but it was also gentle. My hand was small held up to His. "You are mine." He said. I tipped back my head and laughed out of sheer delight. Once again I began painting on the ground till suddenly I was overcome with where I was and whose presence I was in. I put my head down and bowed before Him in the messy paint. He stood up and walked over to me. He picked my hands and brought me to my feet. Then, He danced with me. We danced there with the paint under our feet. It began to rain, and we continued dancing. He said to me, "I am awakening your heart."

Though everything was beautiful, I felt strange, and out of sorts. I felt like something was wrong. I left him, I left the courtyard and I returned in the doorway with my scrappy quilt hugged close around my body. I stood there and began crying. He came and without saying anything He wrapped His arms around me. He just held me. I was hit with the realization of all the sin in my life and the ugly thoughts I had been harboring. "I'm sorry" I sobbed. He continued to hold me. Those malicious thoughts, those gossiping words, the anger kept inside...I didn't deserve to be near Him. He held me out and looked at my face, He said to me, "You must forget all the ways you have been wronged in the past, you cannot keep holding onto them and condemning those people." I was looking down at the ground and it was then that I noticed the dirt around my wounds, the wounds covering my arms - they were grimy and needed new bandages. He gently touched them and said "Look, this is what the bitterness does to you." I knew I should let Him wash them and make them better, but I didn't have the strength to respond. Then I saw words beginning to appear on my arms. They were ugly words, things I was associating myself with that I shouldn't, condemning words that I had named myself. "Worthless...ugly...incomplete..." they covered my arms. He lifted his hands, and it was then I realized it wasn't paint they were covered with, but blood. He took His hands and rubbed them on my arms, the words smeared away...and with water He washed them clean. "You are mine." He repeated.

Then the pastor repeated a verse, he said loudly, "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." {Romans 8:1}

[ ]

Sometimes I need to be protected from what I want.

thankful.

I rarely ever do this...post personal photos on my blog. But, this photo has a special place in my heart. This is one of my favorite professors here, Derick Bingham. He's the author of several books, and teaches our Irish Literature class. This photo is another reminder to me of how much I will miss Ireland. Today we celebrated Thanksgiving, a holiday the Irish are unaccustomed to. As I began this morning to think about everything I am thankful for I was overwhelmed. I didn't really know where to start, and I secretly hoped no one would ask me to list specific things. It's not that I'm not thankful, it's that it's difficult for me to verbalize everything adequately. When I look back on the year it all comes down to a beautiful realization - that God cares. There's a strange peaceful sense of security in God that I've come to know. It's been built up, the product of so many different things, some things more painful than others. But the harsh contrast only makes it all the more beautiful. This "thing"..feeling...whatever it is...is something I've never known before. It leaves me feeling a bit giddy..and really free.

...thus I find myself without easy explanation this Thanksgiving...but I think that's okay.

Professor Bingham has turned me into a C.S. Lewis fanatic, and I must include my favorite quote of his.

"Look for Christ and you will find Him...and with Him, everything else thrown in." {C.S. Lewis}

The better you look, the more you will see.

One week. Then I'll truly be old. Twenty-one. It sounds so grown-up. So much older than I feel. I still am that little girl who counts down to her birthday and lights up anytime anyone mentions it. I think that's okay...even at twenty-one. :)

Slowly God has begun to prepare me for coming home. I will miss Ireland dearly, and will keep it in my heart. But, this time is coming to a close, this season is ending, this chapter concluding. I like thinking of my life as a book. It's probably one of my favorite common analogies made.

I feel like a different person somehow. After just three, incredibly short months. I feel a strength inside me that I never knew before. A strength that is strongest when I am closest to Jesus. He is life-giving, and I have realized that in such a new way this semester. Today we had a very famous artist come and speak to us, Ross Wilson. He sculpted the C.S.Lewis statue (that I recently took photos of), among many other sculptures. He also paints and has painted hundreds of famous people, including the Prince of Wales. Needless to say, it was a great honor to meet him. He is a Christian and hearing him speak about his love for art and his love for God was so encouraging, and inspiring. He gave us each prints of a piece he did of an angel's face coming out of this haze-like aura, and on the back of mine he wrote, "The better you look, the more you will see." He was speaking of looking for a touch of eternity in the everyday, ordinary of life. Those words mean so much to me, and I will treasure that picture. Since being here in Ireland God has sprung such a great love in my heart for writing and literature. I feel anxious and wait with great expectancy for God to use me...whether in writing, art, or something else I have yet to discover. I am excited about graduating. It is a world of possibilities...an ocean of adventure. Frightening, yes...but terribly exciting as well.

I hope to suck all the life out of my last two weeks here in Ireland, taking time to savor each moment. This is one of the most beautiful gifts I have ever received, and I will always think back on it with the best of memories.

Also, can you tell I have become a C.S. Lewis fanatic? I have. Here is one of my absolute favorite quotations...

"It isn't Narnia, you know," sobbed Lucy. "It's you. We shan't meet you there. And how can we live, never meeting you?"

"But you shall meet me, dear one," said Aslan.

"Are -are you there too, Sir?" said Edmund.

"I am," said Aslan. "But there I have another name. You must learn to know me by that name. This was the very reason why you were brought to Narnia, that by knowing me here for a little, you may know me better there."

[C.S. Lewis :: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader)

"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."

{C.S. Lewis}

"The term is over: the holidays have begun. The dream is ended: this is the morning." {C.S. Lewis}