Sometimes I forget, just how much I miss Ireland.

{Photo Credits: Zac Freeman, Richie Froman, & Eric Goldfain}

the truth is...

I'm going to find a quiet, lovely place today in which to sit, to think, and just to be.

Every day.

I see more and more

just how arrogant

and self-centered

I can be.

teach me to love.

I want to learn how to love. Last night's talk at the Gathering really struck a chord in me. To live based on a standard of love not on a standard of fairness. When did we ever begin believing that life, or love are in any way fair? Or that we deserve something from someone? As Kelly said last night, thank goodness God doesn't treat us fairly! We deserve hell. Forgiving and loving means not keeping score. Wow. How badly I have failed at that in so many of my relationships. We are called to be active in reconciliation...that's pretty much the whole basis upon which Christianity stands, that Christ gave up everything to reconcile us to Himself. Nothing about that is fair. So how do we begin to love? None of us are naturally inclined to love, none of us have a personality that is more loving, or less loving...love only comes from God. Again, as Kelly said last night, "The best thing you can do for your relationships is to preach to yourself the Gospel every morning." Constantly absorbing ourselves, constantly reminding ourselves of truth...and knowing intimately the heart of God. That's our resource for love. We all crave love and we'll desperately look for it wherever we can get it. If we feel a "love deficiency" and choose not to go to God then we will look for more love from the people around us - we will expect more from them then they can ever actually give us. Think about it in this way - we cannot love each other. We can't. But we can love each other through Christ.

stop. thinking.

I want to be a little girl again. Everything was so much more simple.

stories are light.

"Hidden in a hole in the wall of the princess' bedroom, the mouse listened with all his heart. The sound of the king's music made Despereaux's soul grow large and light inside of him." {Excerpt: The Tale of Despereaux}

For our Young Adult Literature class we were assigned the reading of The Tale of Despereaux. I had no expectation of enjoying this book, I only wanted to get the assignment checked off my to-do list. However, within the first few pages I was captivated by this charming book for children that is packed full of truths. I found myself even feeling a bit weepy in some places...a very embarrassing thing to admit when you realize you're reading a story about a mouse. But, read it for yourself and you'll see what I mean. As the author writes, "Stories are light. Light is precious in a world so dark." I have come to find that truth has a way of touching something deep inside of us and the feeling that it stirs up cannot be explained very easily.

poetry vomit.

Laugh the silence off.
Shallow laughter sings.
I hate you.
But, I love you.
Let me decide.

New games call for new rules.
Your habits old and used.
I loathe you.
But, I know you.
If that was you, I knew.

Bite my lip, taste the blood.
Feel your gaze slap my face.
I avoid you.
But, I find you.
Hiding in the dark.

Let your ember turn to grey.
Your choices spin their web.
I saved you.
But, I hurt you.
Now I understand.

It's your soul I miss the most.
Underneath your greying skin.
I forget you.
But, I can't.
You shot your memory through my veins.
Your fingers burnt my skin.

[ rest ]

Some favorite things that made my [today].


[This has become one of my new favorite things, Burt's Bees Peppermint Soap]


[I have an obsession with my moleskine, I take it everywhere to journal, to pray, to draw, and to write down revelatory quotes.]


[I just began reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan, and so far it's great.]

This lovely blog is a "must read" - simply inspiring. www.honeyandjam.com

After a long week without sleep I needed to take time to rest. I turned off my phone for the night and have had some much needed time to refresh. Thank you all for "following" my blog - it was surprising to see just how many readers I have - challenging, and encouraging as well.

I have decided to try something Francis Chan mentions in his book, and stop praying for a few days. Instead of talking "at" God...I just want to listen. If there is just one verse this week that has brought me immense comfort it would be this plainly stated command - "Be still, and know that I am God." [Psalm 46:10]

Find time to rest.

simply good things.

After a really hard day on Monday, I came back to find these beautiful flowers and a lovely note. I love flowers...maybe it would be more accurate to say...I adore flowers. Being with me in Ireland when I would spend time in the rose gardens- Erin and Brittany knew this well. Such a sweet surprise made my day. God reminds me that He loves me in really special ways.


The second exciting thing to happen recently...is that I have pretty much found a dream job. Take a look - HERE. It's a paid internship, in Brooklyn...helping design and maintain the blog for Etsy. (As you know...I love blogging...and getting paid to blog...well that would be wonderful.) It would combine my interest in writing, with my eye for design and love for hands-on crafting. I am working on a resume and cover letter today and am excited to see if I have a chance. I could use your help though. I will be submitting my blog link to Etsy so they can see my blogging success thus far...I know there's a lot of you who tell me you enjoy reading my blog, but you aren't technically a "follower". It would be great if some of you who read could go the the right hand side of my page and click on the "Follow this blog" link and officially register as a follower. You can even register anonymously! I don't mind. It would help give me some credit and maybe help their decision as they're looking at my blogging success.

You all are great - and constantly encouraging. Thanks for taking an interest in my writing.

"So, what are your plans after graduation?"

That will be the plaguing question of the year.

Wow. What a day. What a week. I feel the need to blog just for my sanity's sake. Today I called my mother and cried for about an hour. Luckily she knows how to handle my emotional breakdowns better then most and was able to calm me down and speak rationally to my irrational thoughts. I feel so completely overwhelmed by school. 20 hours...let me tell you...is a LOT of work. Tonight I felt like I truly did not have the physical capability to do all of the work due for tomorrow. But, my mum helped me come up with a good organized plan for the next couple days ...so I'm just going to work as hard as I can till I get to Friday. Oh dear, sweet Friday...come soon.

It's tough to be working towards graduating when, frankly, it scares me to death. I have come to realize more and more that I don't like change and I don't handle adjustments well. That is something I need to work on, because I think there will be lot it in my life.

The hardest thing I am starting to see this first week of school is that my priorities may not be what I want them to be this semester. Relationships mean so much to me...and having to put them second to school work is not something I enjoy doing...but may be necessary sometimes. The things I value are so different than what is expected of me and where the "natural" path of life seems to take most. What kind of a job I have in the future isn't as important to me as who I am and who I grow to become. I want to make the usually "smaller" priorities in life my biggest priorities. I want all the relationships in my life to come before any job, I want to be happy with the place I live in, I want to live and breathe nature...taking those much needed "rest times" that our campus pastor spoke of today. I don't ever want to stop learning...I want to read more books, expose myself to different cultures, cultivate my music taste by going to live music events, aspire to be Julia Childs by cooking and baking more, write poetry...write books, grow flowers in every space possible, climb mountains, jump from waterfalls, go to quirky events like the annual Hot Air Balloon festival in Indiana (and be a hardcore fanatic about it), I want to take care of people who are sick, I want to pray like a prayer warrior, I want to see other people become what they dream of, I want to love till it hurts, I want to play often, slack off less...I want to awaken in the "freshness" and awe of Jesus every day...those are the things that excite me when I think about life. Most of all...I don't want my career to override those things or become the main focus of my life. Day after day I've got to trust that God has something ahead...that things aren't just bleak and empty...for the soon-to-be college graduate. He's got so much waiting...and He knows my heart...because He created it.

And now...I'm going to rest.

“God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing.” -Clive Staples Lewis

joy.

Tonight we had our first Ireland reunion...and it was so incredibly wonderful. I was a little nervous...wondering how things would be now that we're back - if we'd still be as comfortable around each other. Yep. We are. And it's the most refreshing thing to spend three hours talking non-stop, laughing over silly memories, and drinking a fresh pot of Nambarrie. To be surrounded with friends who know you and love you for just being you...there's nothing like it.

"The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart." -Elisabeth Foley

honesty, failure, and grace.

I have had several thoughts running through my head lately.

1. Why is it as humans we rarely say what we mean? (Thought provoked by conversation with Emma)...Is it fear that keeps us from being honest with our words? Why are there "unspoken" rules and guidelines concerning when to share our hearts, and when not to? Why do we love within, and according to, the boundaries of fear? Can we reverse it, and if so, will we be burned? Is the burn worth the honesty? I still haven't decided.

2. It seems like as we grow up the idea that "mistakes are bad" has been drilled into our heads. As Robinson says in the video I posted, if we're afraid of mistakes our creativity will be severely limited. Maybe we shouldn't view mistakes as bad things, but acts that, though not beautiful at first glance, make us into who we are meant to be.

3. Grace. It's my name and it still surprises me.

In brutal honesty I admit that though I sometimes feel confident, I also have times of feeling lonely. I feel unworthy of love, and yet desperate for it. I feel beautiful, yet marred and ugly. What do I do when these things overwhelm me? Usually everything I shouldn't. I am a pro at shopping-therapy. Or I look to friends to re-affirm me. I clean, bake, or organize, frantically...because then I feel accomplished. I do everything but the very thing I should do first - pick my head up, look beyond myself and see things through His grace. Slowly...I'm starting to get it.

"Grace strikes us when we are in great pain and restlessness. It strikes us when we walk through the dark valley of meaningless and empty life… it strikes us when, year after year, the longed-for perfection does not appear, when the old compulsions reign within us as they have for decades, when despair destroys all joy and courage." -Paul Tillich

Ken Robinson says schools kill creativity | Video on TED.com

This is long - but so worth watching.

By His wounds we are healed.

senior year.

I heard this quote today, and loved it.

"We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for..." {Dead Poet's Society}

I am excited to begin this final semester of my senior year. My shelves are full of books, my teapot is at hand...and the weeks ahead are full of work, yes...but anticipation as well.

TOMS

I got some blank canvas TOMS for my birthday...so I painted them.

body. soul. spirit.

This is going to be a long blog post...I can just feel it.

First of all - I just love this girl. And I'm so glad she could come visit! We played Phase 10...watched 500 Days of Summer (favorite.)...painted...got new haircuts...went to Starbucks...it was fantastic. Lot's of favorite Emma and Grace things. :)

Secondly...I had to document my recent attempt of learning how to make frosting roses. I've always wanted to...and Emma loves cupcakes...so I set to mixing and baking...looked up some instructions online...and tah dah! Fudge chocolate cupcakes with Tiffany-blue icing and roses. It was a lot of fun!





Okay, and now...Third item on agenda. What's been on my mind and heart.

Body, soul, and spirit. These are three things I have been learning more about. How they should look separately, and how they should look when they are intertwined. Because we have Christ living in us we have a "spiritual self"...this is a new dimension. Our soul, is comprised of our will, our emotions, and our mind. Our soul (our will in particular) must submit to the Holy Spirit for our spiritual self to be active and growing in God. Our body, is no less important than our soul and spirit (contrary to what some Christians may think). If we take care of our body, our body will take care of us - it is our physical expression and vessel for our spirit and soul. Regarding all three things - too much emphasis on any one of them with neglect to another would be detrimental.

This is such a powerful quote from the book Sacred Romance - "Being unable to defeat God through raw power, Satan's legions decide to wound God as deeply as possible by stealing the love of his beloved through seduction, and having seduced them to his party, to ravage them body and soul, and having ravaged them to mock them, even as they are hurled to the depths of hell with God himself unable to save them because of their rejection of him. This is Satan's motivation for every man, woman, and child into who God ever breathed the breath of life. Like a roaring lion, he hungers for us."

I think it's really important to remember that Satan hates us. Because when we feel like we're fighting ourselves, and are on our own struggling...realizing we're actually caught in the middle of battle gives us a lot more hope. Realizing the power we have as children of God that comes through practicing and repeating surrender...it's so strengthening. (As I discussed in length in my last post).

I feel like lately God has been making a lot of changes in me. I know I've said that a lot lately...and honestly it sounds rather prideful. But, I don't say it to get a "wow" effect...I say it because it leaves me feeling really amazed by God...and encouraged to see Him there. Each season I have a new lesson and new adventure. Coming back from Ireland I felt so full of life and joy only to feel a heaviness sink in as I returned to everything familiar. Ireland was a rare treat, a place of so much beauty my soul seemed to relax and breathe easier. There were days upon days where everything was constantly new and I had new things to learn. I felt stronger leaving, and really content. It was a big adjustment coming back and I found myself questioning the changes I thought had taken place. All of a sudden I was once again in a place of feeling weak, insecure, fearful,lonely...and apathetic. But God didn't leave me when I came home. The adventures are no longer in another country, but just over break He's brought some great ones along. I had no idea I would get to see New York City and Washington D.C...and the special gift of getting to see Emma...and getting to know my cousin better as he visits from Australia...having encouraging times with my sisters...they all evidence how much God loves me and wants to give me good things. I've spent the break taking better care of my body, reading some really thought-provoking books, and having some heart-to-heart conversations with people. I feel really refreshed. Is it okay to say that after twenty-one years of hating myself...I think I'm finally really happy with who I am? It's not really because I've made any significant changes, in fact I know there's a lot of things that are far from perfect. But, as Emma said while we were painting...sometimes it's the imperfections that make things really beautiful. I like to think of myself as a little wooden doll in the wood carver's shop. It's the quirks...the unique attributes that are seemingly fingerprints of our Creator's work. I am happy with who I am because I know I am so loved by Him who made me. Only in Him am I enough. The grace, and strength of who He is, is most visible in the very weakest places of who I am. I've still got days when I'm attacked with hatred for myself, and hopelessness...but those days have become so few and farther between...and it is only because of His furious pursuit of my heart. Instead of finding my identity and security in another human being, or trying to build it up myself...His heart is the place I've found to be safe. It's the place I can live and it's okay that I'm not enough. It's okay that I'm imperfect. It's okay that I cannot keep things together and maintain control. I like to think of all the beautiful places I have seen as small glimpses of God. And when I think of living in Him I know it's a place of hope that doesn't end, a place where beauty comes alive, a reservoir of deep forgiveness, and the calling of a joy where all other pleasures originated. It's life beyond the wardrobe. (To complete my post with yet another Lewis reference).

I feel really happy...and really hopeful.

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." {Galations 5:1}

I love my sisters...a whole lot.

(And yes...they're just as crazy as me.)

the things we wrestle against.

Yesterday I finished reading the book "Adam" by Ted Dekker. The book is about spiritual warfare - the main character is a man who is possessed and kills people - till the end when he is confronted and evil is battled with truth. Everyone warned me it would be scary, and it was. I had to read it in the daylight to keep it from affecting my sleep. But, as Dekker wrote in his comments at the end, it's only frightening because we know spiritual warfare is real. The book was gripping - Dekker never disappoints me with his writing. But what really captivated me was an interview that Ted Dekker and John Eldredge (Author of Wild At Heart...etc...) enclosed at the end. I re-read it four times to let the words sink in. Powerful, powerful truths. Get ready...this is going to be a pretty heavy, and lengthy blog post.

Dekker began by pointing out that as Christians we tend to ignore the spiritual warfare that exists around us, and we do not accept our responsibility to be active in resisting Satan's tactics. He says that we - "...no longer believe evil is anything more than a generic force that is set against all humanity. Evil: the bad things that we do, temptation." We can be held captive by the evil we ignore. He goes on to say that there is so much more to spiritual warfare than just being tempted. And that the ultimate goal of temptation is really to lead us to "believe terrible things about God and very, very mistaken things about life..."

So what are the ways we can see spiritual warfare in our daily lives? He writes, "This is such a simple test. You just look at the fruit of some event, or some sabotage of a relationship, you look at the fruit of some thought you're believing, some emotion that you're feeling, and should ask, 'Well what's the fruit of that?' If it looks like something is being stolen, or killed, or destroyed--guess who's involved?"

What he wrote next really hit me hard. "There are people that you encounter, and you just want to dismiss them or use them or get mad at them, right? Well, what likely happened is that you just walked into the spiritual battle over their life. The enemy is trying to get you to do to them what he's doing to them - accuse them, dismiss them, ridicule them."

Wow...that is so convicting. Look at how this is circular. I know that out of my hurt, the lies I believe that feed my insecurities - I have treated people in my life horribly. I am guilty of accusing, dismissing, ridiculing...on so many levels. I hate the lies Satan feeds the people around me that I love. To think that I have been a part of reinforcing those lies......that crushes me. The extent of the damage done is overwhelming. And yet, it's really not about me - it's Satan playing his twisted games with us...games we don't need to give in to. Like sharks smell blood, he finds our weakness and preys.

The goal is to rise out of the passivity we are set in to begin confronting the evil we deal with daily. John Eldredge writes that there are three levels that the enemy will work at in our life. "The level is always, 'I'm not here; this is just you.' So whatever you're dealing with, your addictions, your rage, your lust, your compulsions, the breakup of a marriage, the failure of a ministry, the split of a church- 'I'm not here. This is just you.' Right? He loves to stay at that level. The level of ignorance. The second level is when you begin to realize, 'Wow. He is there.' Then what he usually tries to do is intimidate you. 'Don't fight back. Don't pray against me. I'm going to make your life really hard.' He tries to scare you...And the third level is he tries to cut a deal. He says, 'Look, I'll tell you what, don't resist me and I'll make your life easier.' Make a little compromise in your personal integrity and everything will be swell."

Here is the hope- We have the victory. Jesus has already won the victory over Satan, but we have to grasp that power and use it in battle - just as He has given us salvation but we still have to do our part and accept it and share it. Eldredge writes, "Evil is not the point. The point is the love story. We live in a love story that is set in the midst of war. When you understand those two things, you will suddenly understand Christianity, and you will understand your own life."

I hope these words sink inside you, and change the way you see things, as they did to me. I feel convicted to be more persistent in my praying for others - interceding, crying out for them and really fighting against evil. Also to see more clearly the ways I am attacked and how I need to battle against the lies. -- And to be on guard in my relationships, not giving the enemy any foothold for destruction.

Once again, as I often see through C.S. Lewis' writing, Dekker reminds me of the life outside of what is immediately visible - there is so much more behind the "skin of this world"...it's so terribly exciting. Truth is so beautiful.

I didn't want to be the one left behind. But, I think I already have been...I told you I would be.