{messy}

Today I felt the familiar ache of not being enough.

Not pretty enough.

Not athletic enough.

Not kind enough.

Not diligent enough.

Not organized enough.

Not confident enough.

Not strong enough to keep these thoughts away.

It's such an empty, ugly place to be.

unnatural.

It's a lot easier to hate than it is to love. But it really is love when you feel it tearing from your heart and you know it isn't really anything you are capable of, or ever have been.

In light of His gentleness comes the stark awareness of my inadequacy of being anything apart from Him. He is the kindest person I know.

hallelujah.

I will
cling
to
the
old rugged
cross
and
I will
scream
hallelujah
till
my
voice
breaks
and
till
He
meets
me
where
I am.
At
the
end
of
the
day
it's
His
grace
that
remains.

Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley

Bright Blue Veins

Strings pulled tight
Lift my hand above my heart
Make the blood flow right
Through this organ I can't ignore

Sear my lips
Pouring, dripping of living grace
Hide and seek, whispers slip
Find my starving, hollow bones

All is naught
I'm only whole, when You are home
Catch You, but You're never caught
See You, dream You, You're all I've got

Let me go
I want in their darkest places
Till they live, till they know
Painted colors from bright blue veins
Please only You, steal the show

My dead things
They're only things, but they were me
Empty promises, always ring
You cracked my illusion of control

Broke my inside
Any emotion is now despised
I said always, but I lied
Robbed and stolen, I'll keep my pride

You'll fix me
I'll be better, I'll do it all again
If I let You, I'll be free
My loss a voice I've never heard
A love I've never known
You inside of me

If I let You in.

.

"People keep saying, things that are not true...maybe you're listening...or maybe they are you."

{Adam Howard - check out his music here.}

sunsets and purple trees.

Caleb and I helped a friend out with his senior portfolio by modeling for a photo narrative. It was fun, and the pictures turned out to be really beautiful.




{Photography : Timothy Stockman : You can check out more here.}

"Every one says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive." {C.S. Lewis}

home beautiful home

Today I got lost looking at things I want for my new home. I am so excited to have a place all of my own. I have a million crafting ideas swimming around in my head.

1. Embroider a set of Alice in Wonderland tea towels. ADORE.


2. I also love this felt pillow of Maine.


3. I am going to make a fabric "bunting" to hang in my bedroom...so charming.


4. I want to start an herb garden with pretty markers like these:


5. And I must make it my mission to find a pink & chrome rolling pin.

no darkness.

Conviction. It's a tough thing. Today, and lately, I have been feeling like an awful friend. You know we always want someone to be something for us, but how often are we that for them? I fail people a lot, and I know that's human...but it isn't a good feeling. This week I have caught myself being completely absorbed in everything carnal and hedonistic. Worse than that, I've been pulling down others with me. Instead of ending time with my friends and feeling like my soul has been nourished and I have been strengthened, I feel tired...and defeated. It feels dark. This week has felt dark. And I don't like being there. It's a lot easier to trust God when things in my life are horrible than it is to recognize my need for Him in the good times too. I start thinking I can conquer it all myself. Being a Christian comes down to the nitty gritty decisions of choosing right over wrong in really tough and tempting situations. Situations that are easily justified, easily candy-coated. One bad decision on top of another bad decision and my heart will only grow calloused and my conscience dimmer. The more time I spend away from reading truth as well the more room there is for untruth to come in and reside. Sometimes loving others, loving yourself, and loving God in the best way you can means not doing what seems "most fun" and exciting...and that sucks...and it's hard...but I'm counting on the truth being worth it.

{tough} places.

My expenses far outweigh my account balance, and the number is only increasing.

I need a miracle. A real, honest-to-goodness miracle.

Origami, paper heart.

Translucent wings
Wearing thin
Colors greyed by now

I'm trapped between the glass
Of what I know
And what I've found

Thud, thud, thud...
Body breaking
Origami, paper heart

I'm lost inside
What a beautiful world
Of wicked lies

Whispers, find me
Daring plea
Brazen, tempting acts

I'm all worn out
From this creating
Lost and pretty things

Some sort of beauty
I'll find a way
To make it all make sense

Dull wings will beat
Beat till they fold
I'll do what I can
Till all music slows

You took my breath
One fine thread
You wrapped my heart
In packaged bows

That thud hit harder
Some solution
I'll break my voice
And sing your song

Don't join me or I'll trap you
Stay behind my glass
It's only safe
When you don't feel this beating

Cracked, dry fingers
Seep of life
Play and sing
My dancing tune

Somber, straining
All out of tune
Are you kidding...
No, no one's going back

Older, sadder, somehow
Sweeter
Lips that taste of life

This I know, that all will be well
And in all manner of things
All will be well

Sunlight find me
Erase me, bleed me
Find the hollow in my bones
The beating of my heart

home.

"Let the morning bring me words of your unfailing love..." Psalm 143:8a

I am thankful for mornings. A blank slate, a fresh start. A day to choose gratefulness over self-pity - a day to choose joy over despair. This week I felt the space between my heart and God's being pushed further and further apart. I neatly boxed him up and set him aside, and I knew very well that I was doing so. Frankly I just felt really exhausted from putting in any effort to be in relationship with him. - But you know - I do not need to go find God, because He came and found me. In my apathy, in my anything-but-loving him, he found me. And he just came to be with me. He didn't demand anything of me, he didn't make me feel guilty, he just let me know he was there.

He is my home, and that is how it felt.

"Sometimes when His face is withdrawn from us, it's actually His pursuit." {Lou Engle}

I love it.

Everything is changing.

I've resolved.

"There's nothing you could do to me that's ever gonna break me." {Fearless::Colbie Caillat}

There are only two pebbles left. You took the rest.

sick day.

Spending the night in the ER was not a fun experience. I have a phobia of hospitals, needles, and doctors - three things I had no choice but to quickly get over. I brought along Ted (my quilt) and Brittney and Alison were so great to stay with me and help me the whole time - sometimes just holding my hand when they stuck me with needles. Today I just feel exhausted. My muscles are all sore and my arms are still weak. But I have all the things I need to get better - my teachers have been gracious about allowing me rest time and I have had so many people stop by to bring me crackers and medicine. There are flowers by my bed to keep me happy. I feel so loved and so thankful for people who care about me. It's in times like these when you realize just how much you have. I don't know how I'll ever be able to express how thankful I am for all the kindness shown...without sounding like a cheesy Hallmark card. Sometimes I think it can only be an unspoken understanding. You both know it inside and sometimes can express it in your eyes, but words will never explain. Experiences like these make friendships even sweeter and deeper. I have a hurting body, but a happy heart.