Siloam Springs, AR

 

Hello again, it's been a while. 

_

How do you feel?

Well right now, I hate it. 

Explain.

I can't.

Did you make the right decision?

You would know the answer to that as well as I do. 

What are you going to do about it?

Yes, well that's where we're left isn't it?

.

Life is about choices. How many times have you heard that said?
Well, it's true.

My mind has been heavy with decisions..."the world is your oyster"...but what do I want? Where do I want to be? Who do I want to surround myself with? What important things can I not live without? They are harder questions than they seem,
because they require a choice.

And as with every choice, something is lost. 

"A godly woman hopes in God, and nothing else. She is brave when facing the future...believing in a sovereign God."  -John Piper

Be brave Grace, at least this time.

{ and all that miscellaneous... }

Current weather today: 75 degrees and humid.
Currently listening to: Pyro by, Kings of Leon.
Currently loving: Angelina Jolie's fashion sense in The Tourist. I'd steal her wardrobe in a heartbeat.

 

[ ]

when I love you more

than I love myself

I am really loving you less

loving myself less than you

I make it harder 

for you to love me

your love for me 

is so very dependent

on the love I have for myself

and my love for you

will be stronger

if you love yourself the way you love me

-Ulrich Schaffer

something less, and something more.

I've always been a girl with fairly traditional ideas and thoughts for how I wanted my future to play out. You know, you do the whole "fall in love, get married, have children, live beautifully thing"...but lately...I don't know...I've found things coming out of my mouth that I never expected to hear. Maybe it's been moving to a another country where their ideals are slightly different, or maybe it's just the place I'm at.

I've been watching friends get engaged, married, and watching people as they parent. It's all nice...and they seem genuinely happy...but I can't help feeling like I want more out of life than that. Is that terrible? Maybe I'm being incredibly selfish at this point in my life, but there is a whole lot of world out there I want to explore, things I want to do, adventures and risks I want to take...I love the endless possibilities. It seems like a fairly straightforward assumption to say that the way to achieve different "results" in life is to take a different path...and that is exactly what I am aiming to do.

Normal has never held my attention for long. Anyone could tell you that.

disappear

I keep everything. No, really. 

Today I went through the tedious process of cleaning out my e-mail inbox. My "drafts" box went from 537 to 147 messages...I thought that was a small success.

My drafts are full of everything from miscellaneous quotes I want to remember, photos I need to save, mailing addresses, phone numbers, grocery lists, even a recipe for my mum's pancakes. 

If we've had a heart-to-heart e-mail conversation, I've got it. If we're really good friends, you may even have your own folder. I know...I know...excessive.

It's not just my e-mail inbox that is nearly bursting...

Birthday cards, thank-you cards, some scrap of paper with a meaningful note...I keep them all.

Photos...if they're really special, sometimes I save them in two different places.

...Journals...from since I was eight years old.

I'm afraid of forgetting.

I once had someone tell me, "You'll remember the things you're meant to remember, and the other things won't matter."

It's a pretty simple thought...but at the time I heard it, I hated it. 

Now, I'm realizing the goodness in it.

I am trying to learn to hold things more loosely, letting some things slip through my fingers.

There's a beauty in letting things go...

life doesn't feel as heavy.

Things still matter.

 And the things that really matter, won't ever actually be forgotten.

It's sort of like learning to give your heart a break...and it feels good.

cherry.

 

The other day a friend and I were chatting over a cup of coffee, when all of a sudden she exclaimed, "You've gone American all of a sudden!" I burst out laughing, apparently I've begun speaking more like a Kiwi - reverting back to "American" 

only when I'm excited. 

Oh, New Zealand, the things you've done to me.

Did I mention that I am revelling in the fact that it is a blistering warm January? Because I am, very much so. 

I love every minute of these sun rays.

I love feeling pretty. 

I love feeling feminine.

I love becoming the woman God's made me to be.

a slowly crept in chill.

I've been really disappointed by people lately. 

And I suppose I've let them all stack up on each other, to form one big lump in my throat.

It's hard not to find it discouraging. 

It's in the sharper-than-usual words, 

the words edged with jealousies, bitterness, insecurities...

and words that sound nice but aren't followed through...

I'll make you a priority, but only when I feel like it. 

And we all do the same.
.

I look at myself... 

I've let, I'm letting...people down - I struggle to follow through, 

I offer only what's left of an exhausted and busy friendship.

...I have been shown grace, I must do the same, 

or I would not be living true.

love

because we're all broken people with messed up lives. 

so this, is what that was all for.

Pedaling up a hill today on my bike ride home from work I felt really strong. Not just because I was persevering physically, but because inside I feel...for once...like a strong woman. Moving to New Zealand and creating a life for myself has been one of the most challenging, and yet rewarding things. I threw myself into loneliness and discomfort, and struggled for a good couple months, but how faithfully God saw to it that I received everything I needed.  - And surrounded me with the people I needed.

I feel really confident with God, I'm tasting His goodness and seeing one mountain conquered...and bigger ones to come. It makes me really excited about life, in an altogether scary sort of way.

*

Oh, Two thousand and eleven...You put a sparkle in my eye...there's just so much to look forward to.