nothing certain.

Do you ever look at your life and wonder how you got to be where you are?

For two weeks I've been able to put most everything on hold and have a holiday, but Thursday...it all returns full force.

Though Christmas was different, I am thankful for the time spent with people who love me - and people who I love. God has surrounded every season and time in my life with beautiful people. I have an incredible family whose love for God is a rich legacy to carry on.

I enter 2011 confidently, only through meditating on God's faithfulness and outstanding love. I have never been at such a precarious place, with such fear of the uncertain. Yet His wisdom to us is that we are - "...not anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving..." presenting our requests to God...(Phil. 4:6)

"Thanksgiving"...a thankful heart is a heart that knows what God has done...and finds security in knowing His nature. We know who He has been...we know personally, His withstanding kindness...and in that - we can come boldly to Him and trust Him with our deepest hopes, and most vulnerable fears.

Really, it's all about letting go. 

Side note: I'm also realizing my blog posts are pretty heavy these days - bear with me.

.

You're the only one who really matters, aren't you?

Merry Christmas Jesus. 

I found myself wondering if you felt it 

when my heartbeat left yours

...you know...

...if you noticed something change.

{I probably wonder things I shouldn't.}

limbo.

Nobody tells you that being young feels like this. 

I am overwhelmed with options. I think I make decisions more monumental than they probably are, and over analyze them too much...but I don't want regrets...who does, really.

People often give the advice, "follow your heart, do what you want to do...do what you love..." I wonder if anyone else feels like a stranger to themselves. I wish I knew what my heart wanted. I don't feel passionate about one career, I don't have the drive to do one thing for the rest of my life...I envy the people who do. I don't even have a hobby that I love more than anything. 

Sigh. Praying today for God to give me vision. I want a cause, I want something to pursue wholeheartedly. Something absolutely worthwhile and life-changing. 

The thing I care most about in my life are people...but maybe I need to care about more than that...do I?  

I have no desire to be a career-driven woman, but maybe that's what I'm supposed to be.

Maybe it's time for my heart to grow older and my head to drive me more than my heart. 

Ugh. I don't like being in this place. I really don't.

.

The courtyard. The marble, the tall walls and the open roof. There was so much space between me and Him. I stood holding the handle of a massive dark brown door. I could leave, I knew I had the option. Did I want to leave the one consistent place in my life? No, I knew I didn't. I turned around and began walking back towards Him. I had no energy, no desire for Him...so I got down on my knees, willing myself to want Him. I stayed there, and He came to me. He knelt down, He always comes to where I am to meet me. He held His arms wide and I crawled into them. I sat there in His arms and felt how much He loved me. Once again my chest was torn open...the cavity of my ribcage exposed...and He took my heart out from me, holding it in His hands, bloody and a mess. Then He reached inside his own chest and took his heart and put it where mine had been. "You need to take my heart and show them what it's like." He said. "I am love, you cannot love without me." He continued. I nodded and watched Him put stitches down my side. As He did my eyes went quickly to my still remaining scars..."they're still there" I said sadly as I looked at the ugly twisted skin. He looked at me and said, "Grace. Every scar is there to draw attention for people to find my heart in you. They aren't going away, because each single scar has a purpose for the bigger picture of your life." I was stunned by the thought.I thought they were part of the tragedy of the consequences...I never thought they were meant to be there all along.

something special

There is no other song I love as much as Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah". 

There is something so starkly beautiful about it that makes me shiver. 

In an odd way it instills an increasing hope inside.

My favorite line - "Love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah." 

That...is stunning. 

There are some things in my life that are more painful than I could ever try to explain to someone. But when I look back on them I see that in the end those things will all be brought together into the most beautiful, yes broken...hallelujah...and that will be my love. A shattered glass pieced back together with glimmers between the cracks and chips. The brokenness which tried to steal the beauty, in the end, only adding. 

I love that. 

that simple

I want a reason to stay.

I want a reason to leave.

His blood, speaks on my behalf.

every.

single.

day.

cement.

 

Last night I could have punched a hole 

through the wall.

I was so angry, and so frustrated. 

I don't usually get angry, I usually get sad...but this was something more.

This was knowing I had hurt them.

This was knowing I was hurt.

It was frustration of trusting people.

Hearing one thing and seeing another.

Believe the best, then wishing I hadn't.

...giving second, second chances.

Being misunderstood and not being able to do anything about it.

.

My friend said to me today - "You're a treasure, live like you believe it."

So, there you have it. 

Tomorrow I have an interview. 

For my dream job.

I could not possibly be more excited.

When I left America, I knew in my heart it wouldn't be for a year.

This could be something permenant.

Those could have been some lasts.

A blank wall, waiting to be painted.

I'm choosing bright, and brighter colors.

Let's go God, you and me.

twenty & two.

This blog post seems significantly more important, though I know that isn't necessarily true.

A birthday has always been to me a time when I take into account just how I have spent my last year, what I would like to continue doing, and what I would like to change. 

Looking back though, I realize that most years were nothing I could have ever planned. 

Coming into my twenty-second year I feel age clench a bit tighter, and my thoughts are heavy with vision and dreaming. The all-too-familiar quote, "Do not fear death, only the unlived life." is lodged at the forefront of my mind. 

After spending time staring at the blank page of my journal, with only a few colorful doodles in the corner as a result of the hour...I decided this year needed to have a different look. No more - losing ten pounds-doing something nice for someone every day-taking time to stop and smell the roses - sort of resolutions. Those are all well and good, but if I'm honest, my attention span is so all-over-the-place I usually lose focus fairly quickly. I decided to skip the fluff sort of stuff, and stick to the simple. Getting down to the real meat and bones of life. 

After that long-winded train of thought, these are the resolutions I ended with.

Part one - Not pretending to be anything I am not. 

It's come to the point where it's just take it, or leave it. 

I'll relish in my uninformed music taste.

I will laugh at my consistent fail attempts of parking a car.

And I will most likely always be grumpy in the mornings.

You get the idea.

Part two - I want to be like love. 

Maybe that sounds strange, and maybe it is.

"To say that I am made in the image of God is to say that love is the reason for my existence, for God is love. Love is my true identity...If therefore i do anything or think anything or say anything or know anything that is not purely for the love of God, it cannot give me peace, or rest, or fulfillment or joy. To find love I must enter the sanctuary where it is hidden, which is the mystery of God."
{Thomas Merton}

How can my life look brighter? More like the brightest Love I know.

How can I lay down my life more for others?

Taking each individual person and caring, caring well.

I have a feeling that the secret to great joy is directly linked to sacrifice.

I'll end this post with my mind still racing, 

and my heart still lost in thought.

I am stunned when I look around me and see the people God has chosen to love me through this past year. Beyond blessed isn't even descriptive enough. God has done so much. My heart slowing warming to His touch, and my will conforming to His ways. 

This year is going to be a great one, I can feel it.

Suddenly life is up in the air again and I'm looking for where to be, what to do, who to share things with.

Times like this when everything's a grab bag again, I've found my mind wandering back to places it hasn't gone in a long time. 

Where does God want me next? Do I pick up somewhere I left off? Do I start again? Do I continue where I am? Now that there's a deadline, there will be a change. 

I forgot some of those things that were said, they meant so much back then. Does what's around me now feel just as real as those things then? Will this safe place be just another curtain that collapses and ends?

I can't stand to add more to my memories. I want constancy in my life.

Dear God,

Please hear my heart speaking.

unafraid

I've been listening to Bruno Mars, "Grenade" on repeat, all day. 

There's nothing particularly special about it, average pop song.

But something about it has got me hooked.

I’d catch a grenade for ya 

Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I’d jump in front of a train for ya 
You know I'd do anything for ya 
I would go through all this pain, Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby

I want my life to be marked by love.

I want to be known for loving when it's inconvenient.

maybe even irrational.

unconventional.

We have a deep capacity to love, unfortunately most of us bury it behind our fears.

just you, and me alone God.

I needed a date with God, so I took a drive and went to the black sandy beach. It's been a warm day, and the cliffs were stunning in the heavy gray mist. I was the only one there, with the occasional jogger passing now and again. I went to the very edge of the sand and the waves and watched the sand slide past me as the water washed in and out. The surf was choppy and as far as I could see the waves grew bigger and bigger with white spray shooting up toward the lowering sun. I sang my favorite songs, I closed my eyes,..I let it be just me and Him. As the foam circled my feet, I glanced around me...turning full circle...then I spun around and around. Just like in the visions, there was the green water, the cliffs, and there I was dancing for Him. I wish I knew how to make it last, because when I'm with Him...I never want it to end.

drifting.

I haven't been blogging lately. I haven't been keeping up with people well either. I feel guilty about both.

The truth is, I'm struggling to learn how to live fully in one place and still keep the closeness I have with friends away. 

I'm also facing some big decisions about the future, and I'm unsure of what to base those decisions on. Maybe I just need to leap. With each choice there's a pain involved, and a joy. As is the nature of most things. 

If you would have told me that moving over to New Zealand things would end up the way they have now...I either would have laughed in your face, or unpacked all my bags and been too frightened to move. Nothing like what I planned, or could have planned...but a place I like being, and a space in which I feel loved. It feels right. I know in my heart though that change inevitably will come at me fast...soon enough...and I feel like I am waiting tense and cautious, as if preparing myself for someone to jump out and say "boo!". 

I want to wake to find it was just a bad dream, or a cruel joke.

Death, it's unforgiving.

.

Sometimes it feels like I'm running in place, going nowhere fast.

take me there.

I've got the urge to travel again. I thought I had lost it for good, had my fill...but it's come back again. Watching "Eat, Pray, Love" with the beautiful Julia Roberts was quite inspiring, as was attending a gorgeous Indian festival. I love different cultures and want to find a way to visit both India, and Italy.

 

Even if only for a short time...

I want there to be a season in my life when I believe this to be true.

blanket.

I hid under a blanket in the corner, away from Him.

I was ashamed, I was tired, and I was done.

The old familiar courtyard.

Blue tile.

I knew I should I come out, but I couldn't. I couldn't move.

Instead of chide me, instead of coax me to move...

With flashlight in hand He knelt to where I was...

and He climbed under the blanket with me.

And we just sat there in silence.

...under the blanket-tent...just me and Him - and the light.

It was exactly what I needed.

He always knows exactly what I need.

 

Oh, how He loves me so. 

I have to grit my teeth to not run away.

changes.

my whole world has been turned upside down

the beautiful thing...is that...

God has never felt so close.

and...I feel so, absolutely loved.

morning by morning

for some reason I am here.

maybe for finally forgetting what I needed to.

maybe for finding the burning inside me for foster children.

maybe to learn to be self-sufficient.

maybe to deepen my appreciation of familiar things.

maybe to have that conversation, give that hug, meet that person.

some days I wonder if what feels like a full on war is normal.

some days, like today, I wish to pack my bags and go home.

but where is home?

home is too many places in my heart, with no location.

In Him there is "no variableness, neither shadow of turning." {James 1:17}

Great is His faithfulness.

teen camp, round two.

I am so crazy about these kids.

It was such a grueling and exhausting week. Leading, meant stepping out more than I've ever had to, and dealing with a lot of responsibility...but being with these kids, was so worth it all.

I've never found something I feel so passionate about or
love so much.

I'm expecting great things, from a great God.