Monday, November 16, 2009

A Mary day.

13 days.

If I had to describe today's color, it would be a deep salmon pink. I simply cannot think of a better description, you could attribute that to lack of sleep...I'd like to think of it as creativity. Yes, creativity. Now, moving on. While taking a warm shower (This house is an iceberg...simply Baltic.)...after doing yoga and listening to Graham Cooke's words on God's love, a very interesting thought struck me. Yep, I thought it...and then I was like "wow" and I so I thought it again. (This is the way people ponder...does anyone else always associate the word "ponder" with Mary in the Bible?..."She pondered these things in her heart...") Goodness. I am all over the place tonight. But it's my blog. So I could write crap, crap, crap...and it would be okay. Ahem. Back to the shower revelation. First, I was feeling really poorly about myself...frustrated that the changes I want to make are taking so long. Frustrated that I am not happy with myself. This, (picture the light bulb) led to the thought..."I have absolutely no one in my life right now to please." Sure, this is usually true...but for some reason at this particular time in my life, approaching my 21st birthday, it feels more true. Maybe it is anticipation of the changes coming when I graduate, a process that has been evolving of me breaking away from my family, and in general, becoming more independent. I quite like the thought of not caring one bit if I don't match up to someone else's "standards". It's the most freeing thought in the world. If someone decides I am not worth getting to know, based on how I look or some quirk about my personality, then I'd rather not have that relationship - built on false pretenses. Continuing on in my thoughts, I began wondering what it would be like if I just decided to set aside my entire 21st year for a vacation of sorts for just me and God. Taking the time to make the changes I want, myself grace (ha) to see it as a longer process. And, taking the time to let God teach me who He says I am...delighting in Him and giving Him more and more of myself. I may not have the chance in the future to be completely alone with God for a whole year, I think I would look back and be really grateful I did that. It is still just an idea. I'm going to continue pondering (you thought of Mary, I know you did)...I'm not sure I'm ready to commit whole heartedly to the idea yet...but I needed to write it out to process it more. Thanks for listening.


Keisha Rae said...

holy crap. I had that SAME revelation in the shower a couple days ago. NOT even kidding. Seems like God is working on two girls to win their hearts back completely. Love ya girly.

Kate said...

where would you go?

GLB said...

Ah...more of a vacation of the heart. Not actually leaving to go somewhere...confusing maybe?