Sunday, May 9, 2010


My heart feels weighted down.

This weekend has been a weekend of many goodbyes. I don't think about it. I cannot. We hug. I say the words. They don't see my face when I turn to walk away with my eyes squeezed shut. They don't see inside me when the ache in my chest widens.

Along with goodbyes I have found what a desperate state I am in. Today as I sat through church, occasionally hearing the words, I realized just how empty my heart has become. Sin has been on my mind, sin I committed...sin I thoroughly enjoyed. I sat there trying my hardest to conjure up some feelings of remorse, or even conviction...and I couldn't. I know I was wrong, why do I not care? Do I really have no understanding of the cross? Does it mean nothing to me? Am I creating a religion I like and calling it Christianity? This is not something I was just thinking about today, it has been plaguing me all weekend. My relationship with God feels nothing but stale. I'm tired. My head aches from banging it against the wall between me and Him. I want to be carried. I have been relying on friends to carry me from day to day to get through the that alright? If I stay busy, I won't think. If I pretend to feel nothing, I won't. If my heart is already broken, it can't break. These are the things I tell myself. Because, I don't know what else to do. After a year of what has seemed like constant pain, I want it to stop.

1 comment:

Susan said...

i love you and your beautiful heart.