Wednesday, May 19, 2010

{let love win.}

"And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair."

{Mumford & Sons, After the Storm}

I had a friend of mine quote that to me not too long ago. Without saying much at all, he said exactly the right thing at the right time.

I'm learning to trust God with the little things. The simple things. Sometimes I feel like we share a secret when I tell Him about something and then He makes it happen or He brings just that thing across my path. Little things He knows will make me happy. It makes me feel really loved by Him, and that He delights in me.

It's harder for me to trust Him with the big things. I don't feel so loved when I think about those things. I feel forgotten. I feel like a child who has been dropped off at preschool, given all these bright toys, then just left to be picked up later when it's time to go somewhere else. All my physical needs have been met, exceedingly so, but my insides still ache. It feels like the things that matter the most to my heart mean nothing to Him, or that He's just decided not to be a part. That's when I begin to feel like maybe I don't really know Him at all, because I don't understand.

I hurt with the answers I do not have, and the pain I cannot help. Listening to my friends I wish I had more to offer than my own questions and doubts. And more than anything I wish I could stand in their place. I wish I was the one who had those bruises from the boy who hurt her. Inside and out. I wish I was the one with the difficulty breathing. I wish I could wear the long sleeve shirts for her in the summer heat, the ones that cover her scars. I wish I was the only one who could hear the scornful words that deepen his bitterness. Not because I am some superhuman, but because I hate it. In reality I have nothing of myself to give. I too have my own demons to wrestle. All I can offer are - words of life from the source of Truth - another voice joining them in pleading for help - and grace. Grace that creates for them a space to just be. To be honest, to be loved, and to be imperfect. That means being vulnerable myself and allowing my time of "not yet" to be a transparent journey of mistakes and learning that points away from me, and anything I know, to the God I barely understand.

How much easier it is to hope and believe for others.

I want more of God. And when time and time again I fail miserably in my attempts to seek Him, I want to keep wanting.


Susan said...

it scares me sometimes how similar we are...

i see the purpose behind us being in each others lives.

Elle said...

Grace, my heart echoes this post.

"Someday it's going to be you"
That's what I keep telling myself as I look at friends wedding pictures or a couple that comes into the store and the guy is so in love with her that the way he looks at her says it all.

And I don't know what part God plays in this time of silent longing...but someday it will be us.

And you are so transparent and honest, and I appreciate that every time I read your blog. I'm praying for you, dear friend.

Stephen said...

Mumford and Sons are really inspiring to me when I'm in the longing. I think they and you and I and all of us are in the same boat.

Thanks for being honest. It's really refreshing.